The Tash Files
by Violets and Lilies
Summary: From Creation until the Last Battle, Tash's demons prowl around the world, trying to bring as many souls as possible down to their Father Below, but sometimes they need a little advice straight from the bottom. A spinoff of Screwtape on the Pevensies, Screwtape on the Other Four, and Screwtape After the Train Wreck.
1. King Frank and Queen Helen

My dears Et and Hyl,

Ah, just look around, you two worthless morons, look around. The Enemy has just created a disgustingly beautiful world and now we're going to ruin it. I have no doubt about our eventual success because I'm just too awesome to fail. Of course, I'm really counting on you two goons to be at the forefront of my plans—do you know why that is? It's because the Enemy has seen fit to make _your _patients the King and Queen of this world.

Now, to be sure, my mouth just dropped open and I wanted to scream when He selected your patients the first rulers of the awful place. After all, I know how stupid and worthless both of you are. But, have good news for you worthless goons. I really care about you both, so I'm perfectly willing to offer you all the help that you need in order to successfully bring your patients' souls down to me forever. Of course, you'd also do well to remember that I don't tolerate failure, so you'd better not mess up.

Do you know what infuriates me? The Enemy let _your _patients become His first King and Queen when He could have chosen that old geezer that was here until the Enemy sent him home. That just really ticks me off, you know. Of course,_ He_ would do something like that to mess up my plans, would He? Of course, He would. I mean really, that old Male was absolutely perfect for my purposes and now he's gone back to the world that he came from. It's enough to make my head explode-and you know how I am when I get like that. Of course, I'm relieved that the Enemy sent those two little brats back, but really, did He have to send that old clown back too?

Now, to be sure, it might have been an interesting study to find out more about those two young brats and see if we could possibly bring them over to my side, but all in all, little ones are often difficult to tear away from the Enemy. They just aren't as willing to see my point of view after they've met Him. I wonder if we have counterparts in their world who are dealing with those two little punks right now? If there is, I'll bet they're having a devil of a time, what with their patients having met the Enemy and all. I wonder what their supervisor is doing to punish them? I wonder if they're just as stupid as you two imbeciles are?

Isn't it just like the Enemy to do something like this to foil my plans? I mean really, His bringing in vermin from another world is one of the things my side will probably be dealing with throughout all the ages in this new world. You two goons, and all my employees that follow you, will have to learn to anticipate His interference, especially when you're close to bringing your patients down to me-after all, the Enemy has never been known to let me have an easy meal.

Now, I just brought up an interesting point. From what I've heard, your patients _already _belong to the Enemy-after all, didn't the Male say that he knows Him? Well, guess what that means? You two worthless idiots have already failed.

And don't you dare say that this world was just created and it wasn't your fault that your patients already belonged to the Enemy, because you know very well that I don't tolerate any excuses.

But I digress. I think that this lesson about anticipating the Enemy's next move is the hardest thing for you worthless tempters to understand. You just don't have the imagination to conjure up what the Enemy is planning. I really hope that this shortfall can be corrected in the ages to come, but with you two morons as the sterling examples of your graduating class, I really doubt that it will happen.

Now, of course, it's not that I don't understand your dilemma and care about your problems. After all, there is the old saying about no eye has seen and no ear has heard and no mind has conceived what the Enemy has in store for those who are in His camp, but you can bet that my Research Department is hard at work trying to figure Him out. After all, I have a whole world that needs my influence and I intend to make it so.

It just blows my mind that I have to figure Him out before I can come up with an effective attack. After all, figuring Him out is really quite impossible for my side—we look at things from a completely opposite point of view. I mean really, how coul_d we _have imagined this word _lov_e that He's infecting this world with? Of course, you can be assured that my Research Department is working hard to get on top of that problem, but as of now, they has absolutely no information on that word. The best thing that you two idiots can hope for is to counter Him by infecting your patients with the types of things that we like.

Interestingly enough, the Witch-as the Enemy calls her—who ran away from Him seems like someone who could help my side. I just knew that she was on my side when she tried to kill Him with that iron bar. Unfortunately, it seems as though the Enemy has banished her. That's too bad because that bar that she threw has grown up into something that the two little brats called a lamppost and now it will stand there for all time as a reminder of the Enemy's first victory over someone who is obviously thinks like I do-with pure unadulterated hatred for the Enemy.

Of course, I'm sure that her leaving is just more proof that you're both inept. I have no doubt that I could have stopped her from leaving.

But, again, I've digressed—where was I? You two morons need help to bring your patients down to me. Well, didn't you hear Him tell your patients not to treat His Talking Beasts in the same manner that they treated the beasts in the world that He called them out of? Didn't you hear Him that? Well, there you go, you worthless fools; that's how you tempt them. I mean really, are you so stupid that you didn't see that for yourselves? I should take away your Temptation University diplomas, you worthless idiots. How can I possible destroy the Enemy's despicably grand creation if I have to work with morons like you? Answer me that, will you?

Let me spell it out to you plainly—so even you two goons have a shot at getting it into your little pea brains. I'll do my best explain it in a way that both of you slobs will understand and therefore, perhaps, avoid my ceaseless and terrible wrath. Of course, I'm sure that you'll mess up anyway, because you're just that stupid, but I really care about you, so I'm going to help anyway. Don't ever forget that I really care about both of you.

Now, I have to tell you, I got really excited when the Enemy told your patients not to do something that they used to be able to do—after all, old habits die hard, you know. You two idiots have such an easy job. I don't know how you could possibly mess it up. Of course, I'm sure that you _will _mess up, but hey, what do I care? I'll just eat you after you've completely failed.

But, regardless of that, don't forget that I care about you and want you to do your best work so that I'll have something to eat very soon.

Anyway, it's quite obvious that your patients have come from a very progressive and forward-thinking world—one where ropes and harnesses are used to enslave the beasts that He has made. That means that what the Enemy told your patients today will sound very old-fashioned and quite out-of-date in their ears-and I'll hold both of you accountable if that isn't the case.

Now, given what I've just said, being progressive is going to become our great joke because progress, in this sense, would be moving away from the Enemy's instructions. I will so enjoy it when all the vermin in this world begin to think that His instructions are old-fashioned and out-of-date, because, unfortunately, what the Enemy has told your patients is the truth, and will always be the truth, no matter how long this world last. What is the truth today will, unfortunately, be the truth two-thousand plus years from now.

Yes, that's right, you two stupid fools, the Enemy's instructions are the truth, and since the truth, by definition, is unchangeable, the Enemy's instructions are incapable of being changed. The varmints in this world must never add something to His instructions and they must never take anything away from His instructions—not even if they'd like too to suit their own purposes—because that would be changing His words, after all. This concept applies to the Enemy Himself too—He is Love and He will always be Love. What an aggravation that is for us.

Of course, getting the varmints of this world to think that the Enemy's instructions are old-fashioned and cumbersome to the lifestyles that they would prefer to lead is a great advantage for us. This is because we have no problem telling lies-in fact, that's all we're capable of. And of course, lies, by definition, must change with the times. A new lie for each new situation is what I like to say. To us, what was unacceptable in one age could very well be acceptable in the next age—now that's forward-thinking progress, isn't it? Of course it is.

Now, what does this have to do with your patients? Well, let me tell you. See, it looks as though your patients are Humans who other varmints would refer to as good Humans, but that shouldn't concern either of you because the Enemy has a very different idea about what is good than most of the vermin that He created, and obviously, it's His authority that threatens us.

But, anyway, reminding your patients that they're good-as far as varmints think of themselves-will enable you to suggest to them that they _should _be able to use the new Talking Beasts in the same way that they could use the other world's beasts. You must constantly suggest to them that their beasts in the old world were perfectly happy and that they took good care of them and what's so bad about doing the same thing now?

As a side note, I think that when you're making these suggestions, you should ask Aeth for assistance, since his patient is the obvious choice for your patients to desire to subjugate.

Now, let me guess, you two stupid morons are wondering what you should do if another varmint tries to correct your patients and steer them back to the Enemy's Way, am I right? Of course, I am. Well, let me tell you, you simply suggest to your patients that those other varmints are being prudish and old-fashioned—and, who wants to go around with _that_ label hanging over their heads? Let's just say that it better not to your patients. Am I making myself clear?

Anyway, reminding your patients that they're decent Humans—as far as Humans think of themselves—will make your patients doubt the Enemy's instructions about not doing what He used to allow them to do. It will also give them a reason to doubt the Enemy's _intentions _in giving those instructions. There's no better way to bring the vermin down to me than by getting them to doubt the Enemy's intentions. If they doubt His intentions, then it's easier to make them forget that the Enemy is completely and unchangeable Love-whatever that is-and that His intentions are completely and unchangeable based on His love for all those varmints that He has created and will create. Isn't that sickening?

Now, I'll bet you're wondering how to seal the deal when it comes to getting your patients to doubt the Enemy's intentions, am I right? Of course, I am. Well, let me tell you, you morons. You simply suggest to them that the Enemy's instructions are there to hamper their lifestyles and make their lives difficult. It's great fun to make them think that because it couldn't be farther from the truth. The Enemy's instructions are and will always be for the good of those who vermin in His camp. If you can get them to think that the Enemy is only trying to get in the way of how they want to live, then it's possibly foster a sense of disappointment and anger toward Him in them.

Oh, by the way, have you ever heard of the something called the Divine Right of Kings? I'm sure your professors taught about it at Temptation University, but I know that you two are so stupid that you probably didn't understand. Well, luckily for you two, I really care about you both, so I'll remind you. The Divine Right of Kings a philosophy that says a King or Queen who is divinely appointed by the Enemy can do whatever they want-well hey, the Enemy Himself appoint your patients to their royal position, so all you two stupid morons need to do is make sure that your patients desire the things that I like.

Now, before I sign off, let me reiterate why you're both so important for my master plan. Your patients are this world's _first _King and Queen, so of course, they'll have the responsibility of giving birth to and raising lots and lots, if not all, of the Kings and Queens to come after them. Now, if this first generation is listening to my side then great and productive things are bound to happen. I'm sure that even both of you worthless fools are capable of seeing how I could infect future events if I can have this first generation on my dinner platter. Tell me that you can at least understand _that_? All I'm hearing is silence...

Well, I bet I know why you're silent. You two morons are as excited as I am to ruin the Enemy's master plan—whatever it is. I'll let you go now so that you can get into your patients' heads. Remember, don't hesitate to contact me if you need any more of my awesome advice-and you'd better not forget all that's at stake here.

The Great, Terrible, Irresistible, Horrible Tash

(all honor and glory to me)

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes<strong>: First off, I'd like to thank** Rose and Psyche **and **Quills and Inkwells **for their help in picking out demon names. Without them, I'd still be languishing with an incomplete list.

Et and Hyl come from Ethyl Alcohol (or Ethanol). It's a member of a class of organic compounds that are referred to as Alcohols. It's the intoxicating ingredient found in many alcoholic beverages-let's call them, collectively, drinking alcohol. It's also used as an industrial chemical, a solvent, a synthesis for other organic chemicals, and an additive to automotive gasoline.

Now, as gross as those combinations all sound, I want to concentrate on the drinking alcohol part. Alcoholic drinks are commonly abused, but of course, for those of us who are of age, alcohol is not illegal. I chose these demon names because Frank and Helen could be tempted to abuse their royal privileges and do something illegal—I'm thinking that enslaving a Talking Beasts could be seen as similar to committing an illegal act while in a drunken stupor. Frank and Helen have royal privileges (similar to being of age), but they're not above the Aslan's instructions (even if you're of age, you must still obey the law when you drink).

Also, I was thinking that sometimes people who are in power and get caught doing something bad will turn around and say that their bad habit or obsession is their personal business and won't affect their ability to be a leader. But this is like a drunk insisting that his drinking habit won't affect his ability to drive home. It's also like Frank and Helen enslaving a Talking Beast and then turning around and saying that this one little thing won't affect their ability to rule Narnia justly.

In addition, I chose Et and Hyl because alcohol is not illegal and that sort of parallels the fact that we Humans do a good many things that are quite legal, but that God doesn't like.

Another thing I want to point out is that even though this letter was written at the very beginning of the Narnian world, and talks about establishing the leadership and customs of the new world, it can still be applied to us because we're all responsible for bringing up the next generation and the things that we teach or pass along will have an impact on someone or someones long after we're gone. We might not be rulers in the sense of being Kings and Queens, but we're all role models (good or bad).

Aeth is Fledge's demon. He'll be getting the next letter Tash writes, so you can learn more about him then.

You can read about Digory and Polly's temptations in Screwtape on the Other Four. They're mentioned again in Screwtape on the Pevensies and indirectly in Screwtape After the Train Wreck.

Bible verses: **Gen. 1:26**;** 1 Cor. 10:23**; **John 14:6**: **Matt. 18: 2-4; 1 Cor. 2:9**; **Rom. 8:28**;** 1 Sam. 16:7**.


	2. Fledge

My Dear Aeth,

Do you know what I hate about you? Oh no? Well, let me tell you. your worthless cretin. Besides the fact that I hate you because hating is simply what I do, I hate you because you're such an idiot that you probably don't even know what a great opportunity you have to help me ruin the Enemy's grand plans. I mean really, here you have an amazing opportunity right in front of you, and I'm certain that you're so worthless that you don't have a clue as to where to begin. Now, tell me, I'm right about this, aren't I? Of course, I am.

Now, tell me, where would a stupid idiot like you be if I didn't care about you? Where would you be if I wasn't perfectly willing to help you're sorry forked-tail out of this jam that you're in? Answer me that, will you? You'd be on my dinner plate, that's where you'd be-and don't you forget it because I have no tolerance for failure.

Luckily for you, I'm willing help you out because I really care about your sorry worthless hide. But, as I just said, I have no patience for a little goon who can't get anything right, so I'll never repeat these instructions, got that? Of course, you don't-you're too stupid to understand.

I'm telling you, you'd better be relieved that I'm willing to help you this one time because that will keep you clear of me for a little while. I mean, I know perfectly well that you'll mess up and be on my dinner plate in less time that it takes for me to tell you, but I really care about you, so I'm willing to give you a shot at tempting in the field anyway.

Now, let me begin. Listen up, you stupid moron, because this is the only shot that you're going to get.

As you've no doubt seen and heard, the Enemy has been hard at work creating a disgustingly amazing new world and now He has taken precautions that will keep the Witch, who is obviously on my side, out of this frustratingly happy little country that He has established. This alone is enough to make me blow my top.

I also saw that He used those two little brats to help Him, so they are undoubtedly His agents and I'm just glad that they're gone now. I have hopes that we've seen the last of these varmints from another world, but knowing the Enemy, as I do-and never forget tha_t I d_o know the Enemy-I really doubt it. Let me tell you, it would be just like Him to spoil my grand plans to take His throne by bringing in other varmints from another world. You and all my demons down through the ages will need to stay alert and advise me if any more of these varmints from another world are ever found-and, let me tell you, woe the them that don't alert me right away.

Well anyway, as you know-or at least you better know-I've set up two of your worthless colleagues, Et and Hyl, as tempters of the first King and Queen in this new land. They will be responsible for beginning to create the conditions that will help foster hate toward the Enemy in the Human varmints that will populate this world. You, however, my fine example of a moron, are going to be responsible for helping to create those same hateful conditions in the four-legged, feathered, and scaly varmints that He'll create. Do you know why that is? It's because your patient is one of the first varmints that the Enemy gave speech too, and he will undoubtedly hold some sway in this world due to the fact that he is close to it's first leaders. When he speaks, the other varmints will listen, so you have to make sure that he's speaking the things that I like.

Now, let me just tell you, I really pity your poor patient, I really do-actually, I don't because I don't pity anyone other than myself because the Enemy hasn't given me the honor and glory that I so obviously deserve. But. listen well, you stupid fool, I better not hear about your patient discovering that-and I'll hold you accountable if he does.

Anyway, our little joke will be for you to suggest to your patient that he is a poor ole sap who the Enemy has tricked into leaving the safety and security of everything that he has ever known and _made _him come into this wild new land where scary varmints are allowed to simply roam free.

Of course, to hear the Enemy tell it, your patient has come to an amazingly wonderful new land and this new land i_s _your patient's land-along with everyone else-and your patient is going to inherit the land and pass it along to all his, undoubtedly, many descendents. That's a horrifying conclusion, isn't it?

Well, it should go without saying that you should keep the Enemy's point of view out of your patient's head, but you're such a worthless imbecile that I figured that I should say something now and not take a chance on you slipping up. Of course, I'm sure you'll slip up anyway.

Let me tell you, the Enemy has set it up perfectly-He always does, you know-and unfortunately, my Research Department hasn't found even one example where this wasn't the case. Anyway, not only has He called your patient out of the world that he was born in and given him a disgustingly wonderful new land to live in and raise all of the, undoubtedly, many brats that he'll father, but He has also gave your patient a new name.

Now, to be sure, your patient getting a new name from the Enemy will cause you-and, more importantly, me-problems, but isn't it just like the Enemy to cause problems for me? I mean really, the Enemy is forever making His presence known by doling out spectacular talents and gifts to those varmints who are in His camp. Then He goes and changes their names, so that they'll always remember that He has given them what they have and claimed them as His very own. Don't you understand how impossible it is for me to compete with that? I mean really, the Enemy has such an advantage because of His great love for every varmint. Don't you understand what you're-and, more importantly, me-up against? Of course, you don't-you're a stupid fool.

Now, granted, you-and, more importantly, me-might have a shot at dealing a blow to the Enemy if we cared about the vermin like He does, but that's just not who we are, is it? Of course not. I mean really, the Enemy just loves the vermin so much that they say-and it's quite true-that the Enemy knows how many hairs are on each varmint's head and He knows it whenever any of them drops dead and He knits them together in the Female's womb. I mean really, that's such a disgusting display of love that I'm going to be sick just explaining it to a worthless moron like you.

But, I've digressed. Let me explain just how to get around the Enemy's advantage-or at least try get around it because, unfortunately, you'll never actually get around it when you're working on a varmint who's in the Enemy's camp. I think it would be beneficial if you kept your patient's old name on his mind as much as possible. It would be an excellent idea to work with Et and Hyl when you do this because their patients are very close to your patient and I'm sure that their words will have the greatest influence on your patient.

Now, I'll bet that your clueless peabrain is wondering why your patient's name is so important that it matters which name he gets called by or remembers most often. Am I right? Of course, I am. Well, let me tell you, you worthless piece of slime; the more your patient remember his old name and the more he'll remember his old life. And the more he remembers his old life, the less he'll remember the Enemy and what the Enemy has done for him.

You see, your patient's new name is important to the Enemy because He gave your patient this new land and promised him some other stuff and then He changed his name so that your patient would remember all these promises. The Enemy would call this _His covenant _with your patient.

Of course, unfortunately for you, the Enemy has made it so that-regardless of his name-your patient is very unlikely to forget what He has done for him, anyway. Do you know why that is? It's because the Enemy also gave your patient wings, and lets just say, physical evidence is hard for us devils to argue against. All your patient has to do is look at himself and he'll, undoubtedly, remember every horrid thing that the Enemy has blessed him with.

Now, understand this. Varmints, no matter what their species, need daily contact with the Enemy to keep Him and the things that He likes in their minds. Obviously, if you keep your patient's mind on things that happened to him before he met the Enemy, then the Enemy won't come into his mind very much, but as I just said, physical evidence is hard to argue against.

Of course, the Enemy Himself, will fight you to keep His ranks in obedience to Him because He's very jealous for them-and it's a jealousy that stems from His great love for them. Did you know that He also loves to have daily contact with His varmints? Did you know that? Of course, you didn't-you're a worthless fool. Well, let me tell you, He'll make every attempt to remind the varmints in His camp that He is there for them whenever demons like you try to mess with their heads. You have to be prepared for this, because it _will _happen. Have I made myself clear, you stupid idiot?

Well, anyway, let me discuss another one of the Enemy's promises to your patient-another aspect of _His covenant_, if you will. Didn't He say that your varmint would be the father of his entire species?

Well, oh my me, that's a lot of little brats flying around, don't you think? I mean there could end up being as many little brats as there are stars in the sky or sand on the seashore. Ugh, how terrible-unless, of course, my demons can bring them all down to me.

Of course, that will all come in its own time, but as for your current job-and your only job if you're stupid enough to fail-this promise is actually something else that you can use to tear your patient away from the Enemy. The tactic that I'm referring to is call Doubt and it's quite simple to implement, but you're very stupid, so I'm positive that you'll have to listen very hard in order for my instructions to stick in your worthless peabrain. Don't forget, I won't be repeating this, got that? Of course, you don't.

Anyway, Doubt-in particular, doubting the Enemy-is a marvelous tactic that puts any varmint on a direct downward slide straight to me and in you're varmint's case, it can be used most effectively.

Let me explain, since the Enemy told your patient that he is suppose to become the father of his entire species, your job is to make him doubt that promise. This is so easily done that I just want to laugh. Surely the Enemy has messed up and delivered your patient into my hands-oh, if only that were the case, but sadly, there is no evidence to support that claim. Of course, you'd better not mention that little inconvenient fact to your patient, will you? Well, I better not catch you doing it, that's for sure.

Do you know what else makes me laugh? The fact that this Doubt tactic actually works-I mean really, as I just said, there is no evidence that would support the vermin's doubts about the Enemy, yet they _do _doubt and Doubt is one of our best tactics. I mean really, if I ever laugh about something, that's at the top of my list.

But, back to my point. See, all you need to do is ask you patient one little question to begin the process of Doubt. Of course, it will work best if you ask him this question several times a day and always keep it in his mind, so by all means, do that. Anyway, the question is this: _How will he become the father of his entire species?_

Now, this is a perfectly legitimate question, after all, do you see any Females of his species in this new world for your patient to lust over? And yes, just to be clear, I prefer that the vermin lust rather than love. Well, anyway, do you see a Female? Of course, you don't, you worthless moron, there aren't any. Now, I'm sure that you realized-that is, you'd better realize-that it takes two to tango, so how is your patient going to end up fathering a bunch of little brats?

Now, unfortunately, all of the Enemy's promises will eventually come true. There just isn't even one example where this wasn't the case, But if you play your cards right-and you'd better play them right-you may be able to succeeded in making your patient forget that the Enemy promised him all these detestably wonderful things. If you succeed in that, then hopefully, when your patient does receive the blessings that he's been promised, he'll simple attribute his success to nature, or even better, his own poweress.

Remember what I said about the vermin needing daily contact with the Enemy to keep Him on their hearts and minds? Well, when they don't keep in contact with Him all sorts of great things happen-like them starting to think that they're responsible for all the blessings that the Enemy gives them. That's another thing that I find absolutely hilarious.

Now, there's another way in which you can coax your patient to doubt the Enemy. In fact this scheme is something that will help your colleagues, Et and Hyl, so, of course, by all means, you should do it-unless, of course, you don't care to help them, and really, why should you? We devils are naturally inclined to think of ourselves before we think of each other.

Of course, this particular doesn't apply to me-I really care about you and I want you to do your best.

Anyway, this scheme is also based on something that the Enemy said. But, isn't that just like me? All of the things that I teach you worthless devils to do is based on tweaking the Enemy's instructions to make them more favorable to me.

Well, anyway, didn't He tell all His new Talking Vermin that they were free and should never be subjugated by anyone? Didn't He say that? Of course, He did. Now, here's the interesting part, right after He finished saying that bit of dribble, didn't He load His two Human agents up on your patient's back and didn't He _make _your patient take them on a ride that was so long-and undoubtedly tiring-that they were gone overnight? Isn't that what happened? Of course, it is. Now, doesn't it seem as though the Enemy is trying to have His cake and eat it too? I mean, He said all that hogwash about the Talking Vermin being free and then He goes and makes them work for Him.

Of course, to hear the Enemy tell it, He would undoubtedly say that in times of great trouble-and He is well aware that we're here, after all-everyone must do what they can do best. He would also, undoubtedly, point out that He gave your patient everything that he needed to complete the task that He gave him, so it wasn't unduly difficult-and in case, you're stupid and forgot, and I'm sure you are, remember that the Enemy gave your patient both his wings and detailed instructions, so he and those two little brats from another world could complete the task that He sent them to do.

Now, I see that since your patient has returned, he seems to be putting more and more trust in the Enemy, and why shouldn't he? Everything about the journey that he and the Enemy's agents went on went exactly like the Enemy said that it would. Unfortunately, the Enemy's instructions-just like His promises-always work. There are no exceptions.

Do you realize what this means, you stupid piece of scum? You've failed to take advantage of an opportunity to get your patient to doubt the Enemy. You stupid worthless fool, how could you do this? The Enemy tested your patient's faith in Him by putting those two brats on his back, even after He said that your patient was a free varmint, and now that things have turned out well, your patient will most likely trust the Enemy all the more.

You stupid fool, how could you let this happen? Didn't I already tell you that I don't tolerate mistakes like this? I mean really, even before I've told you about a tactic, you've already completely blown it. Seriously, I'm working with a miserable idiot here. And don't say that you didn't know better, because I don't care in the slightest.

Well, anyway, I really need to get away from your worthless hide-I think a nice scorching glass of sufler water will make me feel better-just let me know if I can help your miserable skin again, okay? After all, you may have lost this first battle, but the war for your patient's soul is still on-actually it really isn't because once someone joins the Enemy's camp with all his mind, body, and soul, then the Enemy can claim victory, but hey, I'm willing to string you on for a while and let you toy with your patient's head.

Anyway, don't worry about being a bother if you need me to repeat any instructions because I really care about you and I want you to do your best.

The Great, Terrible, Irresistible, Horrible Tash

(all honor and glory to me)

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note<strong>: Aeth is named for Aethon, one of the four horses that pulls Hades chariot in in Greek mythology (or Pluto in Roman mythology). In The Rape of Proserpine, he is described as "swifter than an arrow". Also, interestingly enough, the ancient Greek word, "aithon" means "blazing" or "burning", or "shining" and in a less strict sense, can denote a "red-brown" or "tawny" color. It was an epithet that was sometimes applied to, among other animals, horses. I chose Aeth because Fledge had a copper colored coat and I picture him as being very swift, so I thought that Aethon could be seen as his evil twin.

Okay, here's question for you. Which Biblical person did I model Fledge after?

Bible verses: **James 2:19**; **Matt. 10:29-30; Luke 12:6-7**; **Psalm 139:13**; **Exodus 34:14; Lam.3:22-23; John 10:27-30**.


	3. The Jackdaw

My Dear Lauggas,

Do you know what I just finished doing? I just finished reading through some reports about how my little devils are handling their assignments in the field. I got these reports from my secret—well you don't need to be concerned with where I got them. What you should be concerned with is the fact that the report on _your _performance was downright shameful. I mean, really, I can't even begin to describe how surprised I am at your ineptitude. Do you know why? It's because I'm not at all surprised—I've always known that you were a stupid moron. Seriously, how could you have slipped through Temptation University with the types of grades that you must have gotten? No doubt, you probably received some extra credit when you were caught fixing your grades.

Well, your little grade fixing scheme won't help you now that you're in the field, will it? You cheated and lied your way through school and now you can't hack it in the real world, can you? Of course, you can't. Unfortunately, that's the type of paradox that I'm used to seeing in my best and brightest demons. You idiots scheme your way through school—lying and cheating and occasionally knocking someone off—then you get let loose in the field and you're not prepared for fighting the Enemy. And I'm talking about _really _fighting Him, not the little skirmishes that you and your fellow morons have been having. Mark my words, you stupid fool, one of these days—and unfortunately, it's a day only the Enemy knows—I'll have to lead you worthless little cretins into battle, and I'm sure that you won't be able to hack it.

Of course, I'm ready and willing to do everything in my power to prevent my victory being stolen away by a bunch of worthless inept morons, so I intend to lend you every resource at my disposal. Did you realize that I'm willing to help you little backstabbing cheaters once you've lied and killed your way through school? No? I didn't think so—you're too worthless to have picked up on that. Well, let me tell you, I care about you so much that I'm not about to let you go down without some good solid advice. Of course, if and when—and in your case, I'd say when—you go down anyway, then I'll have no problems with turning you into my next main course. Have I made myself clear?

Now, let me get back to this disgraceful report about your recent activities—and just so you're clear on where you stand, I have the report right here in my talons.

It says here that not long after your patient received the gift of speech from the Enemy, he did something silly and all the other Talking Varmints laughed at him. It further states that when your patient asked the Enemy if he had _made the first joke_, the Enemy replied that your patient _was the first joke_. Now, here's the really troubling part. The report reads that your patient was quite thrilled with the idea of becoming known—for all time, I might add—as the butt of the first joke in this newly established horrible world that the Enemy has created. In other words, the report states that you utterly failed to take advantage of the situation that you were presented with.

How could you let this happened? Surely, even with all the grade fixing, lying, cheating, and killing that you did at school, you should have picked up on the rather mundane rule that the vermin don't enjoying being picked on or laughed at. Surely, that lesson stuck in your little pea brain, didn't it? No, I suppose not-you're just the type of imbecile that wouldn't learn something so basic as that.

I mean really, you'd think that if the Enemy was going walk around spouting off things about harsh words arousing anger and humble varmints being exalted and varmints who are full of themselves being humbled then He would have created them to act according to His word. Well, let me tell you, that's what I would have done, but the Enemy didn't ask about my never humble opinion.

Now, I know what you're thinking, so let me just make it clear that you're wrong. You're thinking that the Enemy must have created your patient differently than He did all the others because your worthless varmint reacted happily to the idea of being the subject of some harmless ribbing. Well, let me tell you, you ignorant little fool, the Enemy did _not _create your patient differently-he acted the way he did simply because you didn't handle the situation correctly.

I mean really, I can just see you're hideously ugly face right now. You've got a stupid silly little grin on your face and you're, no doubt, thinking that you've got things under control, am I right? Of course, I am. Well, let me just assure you that you _don't _have things under control. This isn't the safe atmosphere of Temptation University where you worthless imbeciles can hone your craft under the watchful eyes of some of the lowest members of my Lowerarchy. No, this is the real world, and unfortunately, the Enemy is in charge. He created the world and everything in it, and even we have to go along with His rules.

Oh sure, if I were in charge, things would be different, but, for now, I have to rely on you and your fellow morons to harass those vermin who are in His camp. Of course, if you'd bothered to attend classes, you'd know this, wouldn't you? But you didn't attend classes, did you?

Well, luckily for you, this is where I come in. As I said before, I have no intention of losing the war against the Enemy because some little know-it-all cretin—that's you—thought that he could blow off his schooling and not listen to those demons who were lower than him. Didn't you know that you're that special to me? I mean really, I singled _you _out to help _you_. Mark my words, if I didn't care about your performance so much, you'd be on my dinner plate right now, but as it is, I'll just wait until your failure is official before I eat you.

Let me give you a quick lesson. You'd like that, wouldn't you? Well, I hope so, but I bet not. You're so worthless that I bet you don't realize what's at stake here. You just better be glad that I care about you so much. Although, be warned—I have a lot of other things to do down here so, naturally, I don't want to waste time on helping some moron that didn't bother to go to any classes while he was at school. In other words, I demand your undivided attention.

Today your patient displayed a very loathsome characteristic called self-control. It is an enormous character flaw—at least for me—but the Enemy loves it dearly. Obviously, that's why I hate it. Fortunately for you—and more importantly, me—self control is not a natural habit for the vermin, so it can be easily corrected.

Do you know what I can't stand about a varmint who has self-control? I'll bet that you can't because you're so stupid. Well, I'm sure that you would know if you'd bothered to attend classes at Temptation University, but you thought you were too good for my venerable teachers, didn't you?..Well, now you've mess up and there's nothing for you to do but come crying to me. Isn't that right, you worthless ingrate? Of course, it is.

Well, anyway, I'll tell you, the reason that I can't stand a varmint with self-control is because they're tend to be more discerning than varmints that have a delightful lack of self-control. Self-control, unfortunately, makes vermin more sensitive to both the Enemy's voice _and _my voice. They tend to understand what is from the Enemy and what is from me more quickly than those who lack this loathsome trait. Obviously, this means that they aren't as easy to work with.

On the flip side, a varmint without self-control is the best. In fact, I think that they're truly my favorites. Of course, every sin has its usefulness, but without self-control, _anything _can be used to tempt a varmint. Sinfulness can run rampant in varmints without self-control. That's why it's critical that you correct your mistake. Your patient will be lost to me if you can't coax him to be out of control. Of course, I've undoubtedly lost your patient anyway, given your incompetents.

Now, I'll bet that you're so stupid that you don't have a clue as to how a varmint's lack of self-control can benefit you—and, more importantly, me. Let me rattle off a few examples off the top of my head.

If a varmint has a lacks self-control in his temper and something happens that they don't expect-such as your patient being made up to be a fool in front of everyone—they can be led, by you, and by extension, me—into a Anger. Didn't you know that Anger is one of the most prized tactics at your disposal? Uncontrolled Anger is one of those tactics that is an instant winner for my side. It doesn't need to be slowly nurtured into maturity before it will create dividends for you-and, more importantly, me-although, slow festering Anger can lead to something great called Resentment and that will provide you with years of important entertainment and, in the end, make you quite successful.

As a second example, if a varmint lacks self-control when they sit down to eat a meal—and if the job is done correctly—they can turned into a Glutton. Gluttony is just as much fun to grow in a patient as Anger is, and interestingly enough, you can suggest to a gluttonous patient that he should be angry with other varmints for making him the glutton that he is. It's really a very good joke since no varmint can be made sinful unless they want to be, no matter how hard another varmint might beg them.

Of course, the great sin of Gluttony covers a multitude of things that have nothing to do with eating—_appetite_ is actually the correct word. Gluttony is an excessive appetite for whatever a particular varmint desires. The list is pretty much endless. There's lust, gambling, drinking, buying lots of _things_, and so many others that I can't possibly spend time explaining it all. Did you know that Temptation University has a class on Gluttony? Of course, you didn't—you never went to even one class, although, I'm sure that you passed all of them under delightfully dubious circumstances.

Let me give you a third example, just to drive my point home. If a varmint has no self-control, then you can suggest that he become Slothful. Sloth is another word for being lazy or taking the easy road, just to remind you since you undoubtedly don't know. See, often times the Enemy will allow a patient to be in, shall I say, difficult circumstances. If you ever find yourself tempting a varmint in that situation, it's quite an easy thing to suggest to them that they should take the easiest possible way though their difficulties.

Of course, that's not what the Enemy says—He prefers that they allow Him to show them His way out, whether it's easy or hard. But heck, do I care what the Enemy says?

Of course, the odious_ virtue_—as the Enemy calls it—of self-control can only come about when the vermin are willing to surrender control of their whole lives to the Enemy, and that includes the things that they just know that they have control of already. Isn't it just like the Enemy to say that having self-control is really giving Him control? I mean really, it's enough to make me want to blow my top.

Anyway, you must carefully avoid allowing your patient to discover that his appetites are born of his own desires, such as if your patient's Pride made him think that he is too good to be made the butt of a harmless joke. If you had handled your job correctly then he would have undoubtedly thought just that. Oh, it would have been so great if you had suggested that he was completely in charge of his affairs and then, hopefully, he wouldn't have seen any need to hand his entire life over to the Enemy. Of course, you didn't handle your job well—in fact, you completely blew an assignment that should have been an ace in the hole.

Let me tell you, I would have been so pleased if you'd been able to turn your patient's heart toward Anger and Resentment when all the other vermin—including the Enemy-laughed at him. Of course, I don't get to have that pleasure, do I? You're such a worthless loser that you couldn't even pull off the simplest of temptations, could you? Well, let me just say that the Enemy may love your patient's cheerful heart, but I can't stand it. In fact, I think that I'm going to be sick over your woeful performance.

But, as I've stated repeatedly, I'm completely committed to helping your worthless hide out of the pit that you've dug for yourself.

But, don't get that cocky grin that you've famous for having around Temptation University on your face-as I've stated before, you don't have the slightest control over this situation-in fact, you had your chance, but you blew it. _Now_, you're completely at my mercy-and, ironically, that's a trait that I happen to lack entirely. I mean really, you remind me of what your patient should be.

Do you know why you remind me of how I'd like your patient to be? A varmint with no self-control is quite often overly confident. Is that bad, you ask? Well, not for me. In fact, that's why I never bothered to throw you out of Temptation University when you displayed your cockiness for everyone to see. I just made a mental note to make sure there was a plate big enough for your ego when I get to dine on you. You see, when a varmint has an over abundance of confidence, then they start thinking that they don't need anyone telling them what to do. In other words, they think that their way is the best way, or even better, the only way. Of course, you devils in the field need to be smart enough not to fall for your own temptations, but I can see that you're a complete failure at this.

But back to my point, if a varmint block out all other voices, including the Enemy's voice, from their mind—or they let themselves think that they have—then they, quite naturally, start listening to me. I really have to laugh at this particular joke because the vermin who fall into this trap keep on saying that they don't need to listen to anyone's advice while, all the while, they're really listening to my best and brightest demons, and by extension, me. Remember, all the vermin listen to someone—either me or the Enemy—whether they admit it or not.

Now, listen closely, you buffoon, because this is incredibly important. The Enemy knows how vital self-control is to His master plan, so He's constantly telling those varmints in His camp that they need to practice having it in _everything _that they do. Of course, I, being the brilliant Devil that I am, have developed a tactic to suit my purposes, using the Enemy words against Him.

See, to my way of thinking, self-control isn't a bad thing to have—at least in _some _things. I really don't see the Enemy's point about having self-control in _everything _but, as you well know-or at least you'd better know—the Enemy and I don't see eye to eye on anything.

Just remember, I don't have any qualms about the vermin giving part of themselves to the Enemy, Do you know why? It's because it's the best joke around. No varmint can serve two masters-it's either me or the Enemy. And, of course, to my delight, so many varmints just don't get that.

Let me give you some examples as to how this ideally works. Say, there is a varmint who has decided to go on a strict diet or maybe there's one who has decided to ignore their breeding urges until they're married—well, that's fine, as long as they blow their top if some other varmint criticizes their decision or makes fun of them.

Or take it the opposite way, say that some varmint is gentle and sweet and polite, well then, hopefully, they'll have gluttonous eating habits or be willing to shack up with the opposite gender at the drop of a hat, or have a desperate need to own lots of _things_, or any number of the other things that I've already mentioned.

Now, I'm sure that you're wondering how this might be is useful for my side? Well, it's really quite simple—then again, if you weren't such a stupid moron, I'm sure that you'd realize that.

See, the vermin have the delightful misconception that if they practice self-control in _some _things-what I suggest—then they have self-control in the way that the Enemy desires. What a joke. I just crack up every time I hear about this occurring. They just don't understand that if the Enemy doesn't have complete control of their despicable lives, then I'm still a viable contender for their soul. It's only those little snots that have given themselves completely over to the Enemy that I can't have. Oh sure, I can still harass the little jerks, but they are lost to me.

Did you realize that is, in fact, the only reason that I'm not dining on you at this very moment? Yes, I'm going to let you hang around and harass your patient until the Enemy comes for him—even though I know perfectly well that he is lost to me.

Now, before I let you get back to harassing your patient—which is all you can do at this point-I'd like to mention one more very important point.

When a varmint declares that he is in the Enemy's camp—like your patient-but lacks self-control, he'll start to lose his ability to influence the other vermin. This is because most other varmints have a base understanding of some of the things that the Enemy likes, so when they see one His own _not _doing those things, then they'll toss that varmint off as a liar and a hypocrite. Well, I ask you, is there anything better than a liar and a hypocrite?

You do know what a liar and a hypocrite is, don't you? No one will ever be able to stop me from slaughtering you if you don't know—so don't be stupid and mess up when you answer. Then again, who would want to stop me from tearing you apart for not knowing? Certainly no one under my command.

Turning your patient into a liar and a hypocrite in the eyes of this world is extremely important for my side—in fact, since your varmint is in the Enemy's camp, it's really the only card that you can play. It's absolutely vital that your actions produce this desirable effect. If I can't have your patient, then you'd better see to it that he doesn't convince other varmints to join the Enemy's ranks. You've already let the most perfect opportunity slip away and I will not allow you to blow it again. Got that, you stupid fool? The next time I read a bad report on you, you'll be sorry for the rest of eternity.

Now, I completely understand that your lack of academic study has hampered your abilities thus far, but I'm willing to overlook that because of the fine record of cheating, lying, and backstabbing that you accumulated while at school. Of course, as I already stated, I can't allow such a fine record to be further tarnished by the kind of inept field work that you displayed today, so don't hesitate to get in touch with me if you have further questions. I really care about you, after all.

Let me put all that another way, if I find out that you've messed up again, let's just say, there won't have a pleasant ending for you.

The Great, Terrible, Irresistible, Horrible Tash

(all honor and glory to me)

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes<strong>: Lauggas is named for Laughing Gas or, more technically, Nitrous oxide or N2O-a colorless gas with a sweet odor and taste. It's used as an anesthetic, a propellant in whipped cream cans, and an oxidizing agent in racing cars. In the late nineteenth century it was often used by doctors as an anesthetic, and is still used by dentists.

In the late eighteenth century, it found a place at parties in upper-class society, as recreational drug. When inhaled, it causes disorientation, euphoria, numbness, loss of motor coordination, dizziness, and ultimately, unconsciousness. Party-goers enjoyed the effects of euphoria and slight hallucinations. It was considered a safe thing because ill effects weren't reported. Obviously though, inhaling nitrogen instead of oxygen isn't a good idea. Asphyxiation is possible if the gas is over used.

I also picked the name Lauggas because, for some reason, I keep thinking of the Joker, from Batman, when I think of this particular demon. More importantly, I picked the name because the Jackdaw, unlike lots of people, didn't mind laughing at himself when he was dubbed the first joke.

Bible verses: **Matt: 24:36-51; Mark 13:32-37**; **Prov. 15:1**, **Matt. 23:12**; **Luke 22:31; Rom. 7:14-25**; **Prov. 13:16-17**; **15:31-33**; **16:1; 20-23**; **17:24, 27**; **18:21; 19:1**; **Gal. 5:16-26**; **Prov. 17:19**; **12:24**; **14:23**; **Rom. 8:1-8**; **Prov. 18:12**; **17:22**; **Prov. 14:16**; **26:12**; **Matt. 6:24; Luke 16:13; Prov. 20:11**; **27:21**.


	4. King Gale

My Dear Atychi,

You've got to be the most worthless excuse for a demon that I've dealt with in the past few centuries. I mean really, did you realize that you're as worthless as you are? Probably not—after all, you're _that _stupid. I just can't believe that I'm forced to work with morons like you. I shouldn't have to put up with such inept worthlessness, but what else can I do? You idiots are all I've got. I mean really, you just messed up one of the easiest temptations known to us down here. You fool. Seriously, how could you blow such a perfect situation? I mean really, you have to be the dumbest devil around.

Now, it's not as if these last few centuries have been all that great for my side. I mean, I'm not sitting on the Enemy's throne, am I? Of course not—and I'm certain that it's all the fault of you and your fellow morons.

And of course, I've been very concerned about one of you worthless imbeciles forgetting to notify me that the Enemy has called more Human varmints from another world to come and mess up my finest plans. Fortunately, this hasn't happened yet, but you can never let your guard down. After all, the Enemy never slumbers or sleeps. And what's even worse, He's always working on the plans that He put in place before creation and let me tell you, those plans were not made with the idea of letting the vermin suffer-like I would prefer. In the same way that we're known for our hatred and evil, the Enemy is known for His love and goodness. Mark my words, one day, He'll do something positively shocking and unexpected to display His love for all the vermin that He has created or will create, and, of course, whatever He does will undoubtedly ruin all my plans.

But, let me get back to your situation. As I said before, you just blew the easiest opportunity that you'll probably ever get. I mean, really, you're such an idiot.

But, let me say, I, in all my benevolent wisdom, have found that you—_yes_, _you_—worthy of a little help straight from the bottom. Yes, that's right, you stupid fool, you should feel pretty special because _I've _decided to take up _your _case and help _you _straighten things out. Of course, if I don't help you, your patient will be lost to me forever. Then again, I'm sure that he already is lost to me because you're such a worthless imbecile.

Let me lay your mistake out for you—piece by horrible piece—so that you'll know exactly how worthless you really are. Then you won't have any doubts about why I'm punishing you with unspeakable tortures for all eternity after you fail.

You'll recall, of course, that there was a dragon terrorizing the vermin that live on that little archipelago in the middle of nowhere. I mean that dragon had those varmints shaking in their boots. He would come out every day and challenge them—as far as a dragon can challenge anyone—to defeat him, and the vermin were all so afraid that no one dared to fight. In fact, they forgot-and this is critical-that they belong to the Enemy and that He is prepared to fight their battles for them.

Of course, that's when your patient sailed in, isn't it? He swooped in and reminded them that they are in the Enemy's camp, and that enemies of the Enemy—like us—don't stand a chance against His mighty power. Unfortunately, that's true, but I'm not going to let up my opposition-I simply _must _have His throne.

Anyway, in order to prove his point, your patient offered to go and defeat the dragon in the Enemy's name. And do you know what horrible thing happened next? I bet you don't—you're such a worthless loser that I bet that you weren't paying attention.

Well, let me tell you, after your patient smashing victory over the dragon, he gave all the credit to the Enemy. I mean really, he wasn't even proud enough of his own accomplishment to take any credit whatsoever. Let me tell you, you'll pay for that.

How could you miss that your patient gave all the credit for his victory to the Enemy? How could you miss when all those varmints on that little archipelago in the middle of nowhere couldn't stop praising His name. Naturally, it just makes me sick to think of how many varmints I could have had if your patient hadn't gotten involved. I mean really, my coffers should be just overflowing with souls, but as it is they aren't any fuller than before. I mean really, I didn't pick up one single soul out of all those varmints who witness _your _patient in action. Of course, I'm going to hold you accountable for this atrocious lapse of sound demonic judgment. I'm sure that I'll get to dine on a dinner of one very shortly.

Of course, as a result of your failure, not only has your patient's faith in the Enemy been strengthened, but all the varmints on that little archipelago in the middle of nowhere have been reminded of how much the Enemy loves them and the extent that He'll go to rescue them from harm. I mean really, how could you have let this happen? It should have been so easy for you to suggest that your patient succumb to the same fear that all the other varmints gave in too, but, oh no, you blew it, didn't you? Of course, you did.

Do you know what you should have done? Do you know what _I_ would have done? Of course not, you're a lousy moron. If you'd known what I would have done then you would have been able to handle the situation and your patient would be, delightfully, on his way down to me.

Well, again, let me ask you—did you know what a lucky little devil you are? I hope so—because then you'll have no choice but to honor and glorify me for all my wisdom. Of course, since you're on my side, you're required to do that anyway. You're really lucky because I, in all my wisdom, have decided that you're worthy of my help. Of course, I can't tolerate the type of inept work that you produced today, so this is the only time that I'll be willing to help a stupid moron like you. The next time I hear about you failing to produce the results that I desire, well, let's just say, you won't last long and, of course, you'll suffer unspeakable horrors.

Now, what I would have done is to infect your patient with a good dose of Fear. Fear is a marvelous temptation for my side. Did you know that? Of course not, you're a worthless fool. Well, let me tell you, it works best on varmints who are as brave as your patient apparently is.

See, a really brave varmint, like your patient, is quite often considered a hero in the eyes of less brave varmints, such as the ones living on that little archipelago in the middle of nowhere. But what would happen if your patient failed to live up to the other varmints expectations? What would happen if that dragon had gotten the best of your patient or your patient _thought_ that he might? He would have been completely humiliated in front of all his fans, that's what would happen. Now, let me tell you, that would have been fun to watch.

Of course, as you should know—and I better never find out if you don't know—embarrassing your patient is not my goal, no matter how much amusement it causes you—and more importantly, me. My aim—which is, of course, your aim—is strictly concerned with the damnation of your worthless varmint's soul, but, in this case, your patient's fear of shaming himself can be used to achieve that very goal.

You see, what if you were to suggest that the _Enemy _would be ashamed of your patient if he were to fail? Lots of varmints can handling letting done other varmints every now and again, but for varmints who are in the Enemy's camp, like your patient, their greatest desire is to please Him, so naturally, they don't want to do things that would shame them in His eyes. Of course, delightfully, for you—and, more importantly, me, the vermin simply can't help messing up—sin is a part of their very nature, after all. It's just a wonder that the Enemy hasn't done anything to fix that problem yet.

Isn't it funny when the vermin don't want to try something that could be difficult for them, so they use the excuse that they don't want to put Him to shame? Of course, I know that they're really much more concerned with not putting themselves to shame. That cracks me up every time.

Now, of course, suggesting to the vermin that the Enemy hates them because they don't live up to His expectations is really a very good joke for my side, because, of course, the Enemy has never forgotten that He made all the slimy varmints out of dust and that their lives are but a puff of air in the grand scheme of things. But, get this, the Enemy loves their worthless hides anyway. Can you fathom that? I bet you can't, but don't worry about that because I can't fathom it either. Yes, that's right, you worthless moron, the Enemy will never withdraw His love for the varmints in His camp, no matter what hideous suggestion we entice them to perform. Isn't that awful?

Now, the abovementioned information is absolutely critical. You must always keep the Enemy's mentality in mind when you tempt your patient. Haven't you ever heard of the saying, "Know your Enemy"? It's absolutely vital to your success that you always remember who the Enemy is and what motivates His actions—even if, no, _especially if_, you don't understand what He's up too. I can guarantee that you'll never understand His motives, but you must remember who He is. After all, He's the Creator of the World, He's the King above all High Kings, He's the Great Lion, He's the Son of the Emperor Across the Sea—you're getting my point here, right? You'd better be, listing all the Enemy's titles makes me just want to scream. I just can't stand the fact that He is more powerful than I am—_I simply must have His throne!_

But let me get back to your pitiful performance. Your patient didn't display Fear today, did he? He threw caution to the wind and disregarded his reputation, didn't he? Of course, he did—that's why I'm writing to you, you stupid fool. I'm just certain that your patient didn't fall for the tactic of Fear because you didn't apply it correctly. I'm just certain that if the Fear tactic had been properly introduced, you would have had no trouble enticing your patient to fall for it.

As it is, things are dreadfully apparent that instead of Fear, your patient displayed perfect love and trust in the Enemy's protection and provision. He embodied what the Enemy says about perfect love casting out fear and that the greatest love a varmint can have for another varmint is that he would lay his life down for them.

And, yes, I realize that your patient didn't lay his life down today, but the fact that he fought the dragon suggests that he was willing too.

I mean really, for your patient to put his life on the line like that reminds me of how the Enemy works. Seriously, that's how much the Enemy loves those varmints that He created.

Of course, I'm quite certain that you find it laughable to think that the Enemy would die for His slimy stupid creation, but I'm not entirely sure—the Enemy has an absolutely horrifying way of displaying His love for His creation and you can take your patient's example as a good representation of the very kind of love that the Enemy has for all the vermin that He created. I'm telling you, remember this episode and learn from it. Know your Enemy.

Put another way, your patient has a heart after the Enemy's own, so I'd better not catch you napping.

Now, just because your patient has a heart after the Enemy's own, it doesn't mean that you need to consider your job to be a lost cause—although, in your case, I'm sure that it is. After all, a varmint is still a varmint.

Let me tell you, your patient's position as King in the Enemy's chosen country can be a real advantage for you—and, more importantly, me. After all, the luxuries of royalty can make any varmint let down their guard. Then you can swoop in and suggest something terrifically heinous. Then, hopefully, you'll be able to sit back and watch your patient tumble off his pedestal. And after your patient has done some really great things to displease the Enemy, you can swoop in and suggest that the Enemy has had it with him. That brings us back to the whole Fear suggestion and, of course, I've already explained all that.

Now, I'd just like to note one more thing before I leave you to mess up again and eventually wind up on my dinner plate.

You see, the Enemy has told the varmints in His camp that He is ready and willing to help them with all their problems—big or small. The Enemy says that He can handle anything that the vermin throw at Him, and, unfortunately, that's very true. Anyway, given that, it's absolutely critical to your future performance that your patient doesn't remember that the Enemy tells His varmints to present their request to Him. If your patient remembers that, then he'll get it into his head that the Enemy will help him overcome the fearful and terrible things, that you—and, by extension, me—have suggested to him. Of course, if you fall to prevent your patient from contacting the Enemy, well then, even I can't do anything to help you.

And, for my sake, do be careful. The Enemy has an invisible self-He calls it His Spirit-that helps the vermin speak to Him, even when they don't know what to say.

Now, don't be shy or fearful about letting me know if you have any more questions about tempting your patient. I'm completely and utterly devoted to serving the demons under my command, after all—oh, by the way, I have a really lush and well-watered piece of property that I'm willing to sell you in the barren wasteland that is well south of the Enemy's chosen country. Are you interested?

The Sensational, Amazing, Preeminent, Inexorable Tash

(all honor and glory to me)

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes<strong>: I'm sure that all you die-hard Narnia fans will remember that Gale is mentioned only in The Last Battle, but he's mentioned as living before the Great Winter, so that places him between The Magician's Nephew and The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe-hence his placement here. Also, I'll ask you to note the slight variation in the closing salutation. I did that to denote the passage of time.

Atychi is named for Atychiphobia, which is Fear of Failure-precisely the temptation that Tash wants to use to draw Gale away from the Enemy. People with Atychiphobia can be afraid to try something new, which, of course, can hold them back from realizing all the amazing things that God has planned for them. Success and failure are part of life, but if you don't try, then you'll never fail-or succeed.

Bible verses: **Psalm 121:3-4; Eph. 2:10; Jer. 29:11**; **Exodus 14:13-14**; **1 Sam 17: 37**; **2 Chron. 20:17**; **1 Sam. 17: 32**, **45-47**, **Mark 6:7, 13 **and** Luke 9:1-2**; **1 Sam 17:51-53**; **Rom. 3:23-26**; **Psalm 103:14**; **144:4**; **James 4:14**; **1 John 4:18; 15:13**; **Dan. 3:16-18**; **1 Sam. 13:1**4; **Acts 13:22**; **Psalm 55:22**,** Matt.11:28**; **1 Peter 5:7**; **Phil 4:6**; **Rom. 8:26-27**.


	5. Queen Swanwhite

My Dear Narci,

I can't believe how stupid you are—well, actually, I can, but that's beside the point. I mean really, I just can't believe that you had to ask me for suggestions on how to tempt you're patient. Are you really so stupid as to not know that for yourself? Look at your patient, you fool. Look at her. She is the most beautiful Female that this world has ever seen-so beautiful, in fact, that if she looks into a body of water, her reflection stays in said body of water for over a year.. How could you be so dumb? How could you be so inept? Do you seriously need me to tell you what temptation would be most effective on her? Has all the training you received at Temptation University been for nothing? Did I waste my valuable time when I scribbled my signature to your diploma?

Seriously, do you know what kind of trouble that you'll be in if I find out that I wasted my valuable time on a worthless moron like you? I mean, do you not have any inkling about how important I am? Do you suppose that I'm just twiddling my talons down here waiting for one of you fools in the field to accidently bring some varmint in for my dinner? Of course, I'm not sitting back and waiting, you fool. In fact, if it weren't for me and my timely intervention, I just know that I'd be starving right now.

Of course, such is my lot when I have a bunch of fools waiting on me—I mean really, things are so unfair. Does the Enemy suffer from such inept worship of Himself? Do His servants forget that He is everything that He claims to be? Of course not—all of His employees know exactly who He is and they give Him all the credit that He deserves. I, on the other hand, am forced to clean up the messes that you idiots make.

Do you realize how bare my table is right now? Well, let me tell you, its not my fault. If I were out there in the field, I don't doubt that my cup would be overflowing with the blood of varmints that give me all the credit that I so obviously deserve. Unfortunately, for me, I've left the job of mundane temptation to idiots like you. I mean really, things are totally unfair. And don't you dare tell me that the Tree that Enemy had planted is the source of your failure, because I won't tolerate excuses.

I just can't understand how I could have wound up with such lousy employees. I mean really, if you idiots knew how important I am, I'm just certain that I would be where I belong-on the Enemy's throne—instead I'm writing letters to worthless morons who continually blow their assignments.

Of course, there's another little unresolved issue that keeps me restless. Do you know what that is? Of course not, you're a miserable fool.

Well, let me tell you. The thing that keeps me restless is the fact that I constantly have to check up on you worthless imbeciles to make sure that the Enemy hasn't called any more Human varmints in from another world. The last time that happened, things turned out horribly for me. And since the last time was on the day that He created this world, I haven't ever caught a break from the ramifications of that travesty.

You'd better not forget to get your eyes and ears, and even your nose—or snout, or whatever you young fools think is popular to wear these days—open. I want to know right away if some Human varmint from another world comes to this world.

Say, do you know something? The thing is that I care about little worthless punks like you. In fact, I think that you're so incredible special and that you deserve as much time as I can possible give to help you fix this mess that you've made. That's why I'm writing you now. I'm so glad that you came to me when you needed help. Now you can stop worrying about how stupid you are and just relax. I have your back and always will. I just care about you so much. That's why I'm here—ready and willing to help you through this nightmare of your own ineptness.

Of course, you must also understand that I'm only helping you because I'm very interested in eating your beautiful patient's soul and, thanks to your recent mistakes, that plan is in jeopardy.

Did you know that I'm actually pleased to hear from you? Your question reinforces what I already knew—that you're a worthless fool and I should be getting ready to dine on _you_. I mean really, even the Enemy says that any fool can look smart if they have the sense to keep their mouth shut, but you just had to ask a stupid question and now I have proof that you're a moron. Of course, make no mistake, I've always known how dumb you are.

You know, I would have had more understanding if you had come to me right away, but you thought that you were equipped to deal with anything that came your way, didn't you? You tried to put yourself on my level, didn't you? Well, how far did that get you? Is your patient on her way down to me or not? Well, let me tell you, that's what you get for thinking that you're the best thing since fire and brimstone, isn't it? You end up having to come crawling to your master-that's me-and beg me for my amazing advice and skills to turn your disaster around.

Well, let's get down to business, shall we? I don't have a shred of time to waste on you. I'm much too important to fool around answering the stupid questions of a moronic imbecile. In fact, I'll just come right out and say how it is that your patient can be tempted and then, with any luck, you'll stop bothering me. Oh, if only I were that lucky, but I have a sinking suspicion that it won't work. You're just too stupid, after all.

Anyway, you should tempt your patient by suggesting that she think of herself as the greatest thing since fire and brimstone, just like you've been doing lately.

Now, isn't that a funny joke? You and I, know—or at least I know—that I'm the only one who is of any importance in this world. Of course, that's why its so much fun to suggest that the vermin are important. You see, if they share my attitude on this matter then they'll naturally be drawn closer to me.

Of course, looking at the absolute disaster that you've made of your patient makes me positively sick. Your patient takes after the Enemy, you know? No, you probably don't know, you're too worthless and idiotic to understand how she shares the Enemy's philosophy.

You see, the Enemy cares nothing about what a varmint looks like, or how smart a varmint is, or their reputation in the eyes of other varmints. He just doesn't care. He's not at all like the vermin that He loves so much. In fact, you could say that the Enemy sees the vermin one way and the vermin see each other in another way. But, get this, the Enemy loves all of them anyway and He uses each varmint's supposed flaws to turn them into something that is beautiful by His standards. Let me tell you, it's disgusting.

Now, how does your patient take after the Enemy, you ask? Well, I can't believe that I need to tell you. If you weren't so stupid, you'd already know the answer. You'd just better be glad that I care about you so much and that I'm willing to help you out of this jam that you're in.

Of course, f I don't help you then I won't get to eat your patient. Then again, I'm sure that I won't be able to eat _her _anyway—she's in the Enemy's camp, after all. Well, no matter, I'll just eat _you_.

Anyway, back to my point. Your patient thinks like the Enemy because she cares nothing for her fancy clothes or hairstyles or her lofty title. She doesn't care about putting on the kind of airs that I find desirable. She doesn't stare at her lovely face or go around to a different body of water every day to leave her mark whenever she can manage to slip away from her royal duties. I mean really, can you imagine the kind of discord and jealousy that would be wrought in the varmints that inhabit the waters of the Enemy's chosen country if your patient kept visiting the same places over and over? I just get giddy every time I think about it.

Of course, my giddiness never last long because, let's face it, at present you haven't given me anything to be giddy about.

No, thanks to you bumbling foolishness, your patient cares nothing for her own lovely face and body but, like the Enemy, she treasures her gentle and quiet spirit. I mean really, I just want to scream whenever I hear about your patient kneeling down to talk to some lonely or infirmed varmint or when she takes nourishment to some varmint who is sick. And when she lets someone that she has never met hang out at the palace or gives her royal gowns to someone in rags, oh, flames just burn in my throat. Just imagine my horror at these sights—and you'd better imagine it because misery loves company and I'm just miserable.

I mean really, I don't deserve to feel miserable because I'm so awesome, but since I do and it's all your fault, naturally, I'm going to drag you down with me.

Now, did you realize that your patient isn't following the normal vermin way of thinking when she does these atrocious acts of love and service? Surely, you know that vermin are generally self-serving and self-loving. I mean really, didn't you know that "looking out for number one" is such a common statement that its considered a cliché?

I'll tell you, it would be so simple for you to suggest that your patient remember that she is a Queen, a royal figurehead, set above everyone else, to rule the Enemy's chosen country any way that she likes-or, more desirable, the way that I like. Doesn't she know that a Queen shouldn't reduce herself to visiting the rabble of society? Doesn't she know that she's putting _her _health at risk when she visits those varmints who are sick? Doesn't she know that those varmints who lack nourishment are simply lazy bums and if they chose to get off their duffs, then surely they would have plenty to eat and drink. Why should _she _stoop to help someone who clearly lacks the incentive to work? She is a Queen, after all. I mean really, it would be such an easy thing for you to suggest that she is much too important to help the lowest of the low.

Now, to be certain, the things that I've told you are in conflict with what the Enemy says, but hey, why would I say anything that the Enemy would agree with? I mean really, are you so stupid as to think that I agree with the Enemy on anything? Of course, you are. That's why you're having so much trouble now.

Well, let me tell you, the Enemy tells the varmints in His camp that if they do the obnoxious things that I've listed above, then they have really done those things for Him. He also says that if someone does those abovementioned horrible things, then they may well have entertained someone who works for Him. That's why it can be hard to get the varmints in His camp to not be helpful and encouraging and loving to a varmint who has less than they do. They're just so keen on pleasing Him-like your patient is-that they don't mind disregarding their own position in society. Of course, don't forget, you worthless ingrate, I said it can be hard, but not impossible. Don't ever give up on hounding your patient into submission—I'm too hungry to put up with failure.

Well, anyway, can you believe that? Varmints-like your patient—completely ignore a natural varmint impulse to associate with other varmints who are on their same social level, or even better, a higher social level, and they end up living out the Enemy's philosophy about the humble being exalted and the exalted being humbled. Your patient is, quite frankly, the worst example of this horrid way of thinking. After all, she's a Queen—as in sitting at the highest level of society—but she has no qualms about setting aside her own wants and needs whenever any old smuk comes along.

That kind of thing just can't be tolerated by you-and it certainly won't be tolerated by me. It would be one thing if I was expecting you to go out and convince her to do something that went against the natural varmint impulse, but looking out for number one is simply what varmints do. I mean really, how are you not able to entice her to do something that should be so natural? By me, you're a stupid fool.

Well now, I've just reminded myself of a question that I'd like you to answer. I can do that sometimes, you know, because I'm simply brilliant. Of course, I'm sure that you won't be able to answer them, because you're completely witless, but hey, I'm not one to be concerned with that. In fact, I enjoy pointing out the shortcomings of the morons who work for me.

Do you know what the Enemy's argument is for keeping the vermin in His camp from wandering away from Him? No? Like I said, I'm not surprised. Let me tell you how He does it, then you might have a fighting chance at getting your mistakes corrected—although, you're pretty stupid, so I doubt that it'll work.

Anyway, He keeps them in line by telling them to remember that they are, in fact, a big bunch of nothing without Him. He says to remember that He gives them everything that they have and He ask them to give away the things that He has given them as freely as He Himself gave to them in the first place. His philosophy is that the vermin in His camp shouldn't mind giving things to other vermin because the things that they're giving away are His-as in, not theirs-in the first place.

Can you believe that? The Enemy gets His vermin to love and serve others by reminding them that they're nothing but what I already know they are—worthless varmints.

Now, I'm sure that you're very confused by all this. I mean, not only are you a stupid imbecile, but you're also one of mine, and nobody on my side has the capacity to understand things like loving others as yourself or giving others the best things while you get along with whatever junk is left over. I mean really, why would anyone in their right mind do things like that?

Well, I think that I've covered everything that you need to know to get your beautiful patient back on a path that leads her to me, but before I sign off, let me tell you what my ideal for your patient's life is. I think that having the correct image in your head will help you envision all that is possible for my side when dealing with a varmint who is as beautiful and well-positioned as your patient is.

See, I would enjoy watching your patient horde up all the things that she has and keep them only for her own use. I would also be very pleased if you got her to believe that she has all the things that she has because she worked hard for them and she deserves them and she should be the only one to benefit from them.

Do you know why this is my ideal picture for your patient's life? It's because if she hordes up all that the Enemy has given her for her personal use, then she will be doing the opposite of what the Enemy Himself would do, and naturally, that would bring her closer to me. Also, if she starts thinking that she deserves all the things that the Enemy has blessed her with and if she starts thinking that she is responsible for obtaining the blessings that He gave her, then she'll start measuring her identity against all her great _things _and she'll be totally dissatisfied if—or more likely when—she stops getting more _things_. Now that's the type of thing that pleases me the most. A dissatisfied varmint's soul is one of the richest delicacies that I eat down here.

Let me tell you, if you could turn your mess around and accomplish my ideal, then I'd probably take a few million years off the punishment that I'm going to give you for messing up in the first place. Of course, with your record, I'm not concerned about that happening.

But I'm anxious to hear about how my timely intervention has worked out for you. I'll tell you, you'd better be glad that I'm as smart and caring as I am. If I hadn't noticed you struggling, there's no telling how mangled your assignment might have become. You'd better be glad that I'm as great as I am because you really made a mess of things. Of course, naturally, I'm not at all surprised because you're simply an idiot.

Anyway, keep me informed as to your progress-as I said, I'm anxious to know how close you are to bringing your patient's soul down to me. Then again, I have a suspicion that you won't be successful in implicating my timely advice and I'll lose out on eating your gorgeous patient's soul. Oh well, as I said before, I'll just eat you.

The Sensational, Amazing, Preeminent, Inexorable Tash

(all honor and glory to me)

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes<strong>: Narci is named for Narcissus, or more properly, the Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I really couldn't help but give that name to Swanwhite's demon since her reflection stays in the water for a year and a day after she looks at herself in the water. I imagine Narcissus might have killed to obtain such a gift.

People with a narcissistic personality think of themselves as the most important person in the lives of everyone they come into contact with. They also have a need to feel admiration from everyone and lack empathy toward others.

Bible Verses: **Prov. 17:28; 1 Sam. 16:7; 2 Cor. 12:9-10; 1 Peter 3:3-4; Matt. 25:31-46**; **Heb. 13:2**; **Luke 14: 8-11; Roman 8:16, 1 Cor. 4:7, Eph. 2: 8-9; Phil. 2: 5-11**; **Matt. 7:12, 22:39, Mark 12:31, Phil. 4:11-13; Luke 12:16-21.**


	6. Mr Tumnus

My Dear Nazi,

How dare you! _How dare you_! Have I not—for the last millennia, I might add—been preaching vigilance to you worthless fools? Have I not _repeatedly _warned you that the Enemy would eventually bring back the Human varmints from another world to ruin my plans? _Did I not warn you?_

Oh, but you didn't listen, did you? You didn't listen and you let the past one hundred years—which, I'll admit, have been pretty fun—lull you into a false sense of security. How dare you act so foolishly. Didn't you know that the last one hundred years have been just a horrible as the nine hundred years before them? After all, I'm not sitting on the Enemy's throne yet, am I?_ Am I_? Well, that's the only thing that will make me happy. I mean really, you're such a worthless fool.

Now, I'll bet that you're wondering how I know of your recent mistakes. am I right? Of course, I am. Well, that's because you're so stupid that you didn't realize that I get regular updates about the progress of my field agents. I get them from my-well, never you mind who I get my field reports from. Just know that I know about _everything _that you've messed up. Oh my me, why am I forced to work with such incompetence?

Well, anyway, do you know what your report says? Actually, it's really quite predictable, since you're so stupid. _It says that you haven't bothered to follow any of my instructions._

Oh, how foolish you are to think that you could hide your mistakes from me. I mean sure, the Enemy is omnipresent, but you must have forgotten that I have tons of minions crawling around this world, checking on all my slipshod employees in the field. That's right you idiot, I've leveled the playing field with the Enemy in this regard. But, of course, I won't be happy until I'm greater than He is.

Do you know what I'm going to do now? I'm going to read you the report on your performance. Then you'll feel the full weight, blow by merciless blow, of my unquenchable fury, as I'm explaining your mistakes.

It says here that your patient found a little Female varmint at the Lamppost that has been lit ever since the Enemy created this world and that your patient chatted with that little varmint, invited her into his home for food and drink, and then help her to escape back into her own world.

Now, since you're so stupid, I'm sure that you weren't very alarmed by this little Female's entrance into the Enemy's chosen country. After all, your patient had agreed to hand any and all Human varmints that he found over to my friend, the Witch, and your report does state that you did a decent job of placing Fear within your patient's heart for a little while.

Of course, make no mistake, it's the final destination of each varmint's soul that I'm chiefly concerned with and face it, you fool, your patient ended up loving the Enemy more than he obviously loves himself, and certainly more than he fears my friend.

Well let me just say, unlike you, I was very concerned the moment that I read about these recent happenings. I just know that the Enemy is behind this and I'm fairly certain that we haven't seen the last of that little Female varmint. I'll tell you, some of my lowest appointments in the Lowerarchy, who know the Enemy far better than you do, join me in being very nervous about the meaning of these recent events.

Do you know why my lowest appointments and I are nervous? I'll bet that you don't-you're to high up on the Lowerarchy and, quite frankly, to stupid to understand.

Well, let me tell you, the fact that the little Female varmint has come into this world near that awful Lamppost gives me a good idea that she's somehow connected with those two brats that were here when the Enemy thwarted the Witch's attempt to kill Him with the Lamppost seed, as it were, on the day that He created this awful world. The Enemy is always doing stuff like that, you know. He leaves behind markings of Himself and what He's done and then He reminds the varmints in His camp of those things by connecting new things to those old markers.

Do you have any idea how much I hate the way that that Lamppost has been shining brightly ever since this world was created? Of course, what's even worse is that its been shining regardless of the fact that my friend is now in charge of the Enemy's chosen country. I mean really, couldn't the Enemy cease to give hope to His followers? Don't you suppose that, since all hope of the Enemy's return is gone, His Lamppost should go dark?

Of course, unfortunately, the Enemy is not gone for good, and that little Female varmint's appearance is an obvious sign of that. Well, at least it's an obvious sign to those of us—mainly me—who have the smarts to know what's going on in this world. Tell me, you haven't forgotten what the Enemy says about varmints coming here from another world, have you? Tell me you haven't forgotten and tell me now, you stupid moron. It'll make me feel better if I could hear you lying. Of course, I suppose you're to stupid to even know when it's an appropriate time to lie.

That's pretty bad, you know, because it's always an appropriate time to lie.

Well, anyway, let me get back to your moronic indiscretion. You can mark my words, you worthless imbecile, that little Female varmint that your patient helped will be trouble if she isn't contained right away. She looks like she could easily surrender her whole self to the Enemy. Unfortunately, that's the bad thing about little brats like her. They're quite susceptible to the Enemy's truths and they pick up on our lies too easily. I wonder what temptations will work best on that little Female? Everyone can be tempted, after all. I need to find a competent Overling who can find out quickly because if that little Female varmint encounters the Enemy before we can get to her, then He'll tell her that He will help her resist us, and she'll believe in Him and belong to His camp. That will undoubtedly spoil my great plans.

Of course, you won't be allowed to find out about that little Female varmint. I have something else in mind for you. In fact, I'll tell you right now. I don't plan on sending you anywhere but to my dinner table, you worthless imbecile. Actually, I intend to write the order—err invitation—just as soon as I finish this letter detailing your mistakes. I'll be sending them both together-a summary of your mistakes and a summons-err invitation-to my dinner table.

Oh sure, in the past I've been known to be a very benevolent and forgiving Devil, but I really don't see how I can let your error slid. I mean, you should know very well what the Enemy says about varmints coming in from another world and the end of my friend's reign over His land. So since you've obviously botched your assignment beyond repair, I see no reason to keep you in the field. Of course, failed demons don't taste nearly as wonderful as varmints who aren't in the Enemy camp, but I'll take whatever I can get.

But I digress. Don't you realize what an easy assignment you had? Don't you realize that your patient could have been the tastiest morsel that I've yet had in this world, but then you went and completely blew the whole thing. I mean really, your patient even agreed to be an informant for the Witch's regime and guard against the very thing that he ended up helping. Don't you understand how stupid that makes you look?

Well, now it looks like you'll get to be the tasty morsel on my dinner plate.

I mean really, my friend had your patient so scared of her that he was willing to help her in order to keep himself safe. She had him so wrapped up in his fear that he nearly forgot that the Enemy says that whoever saves his life will end up losing it and whoever loses his life for His sake will end up living with Him forever. She had him so scared that he'd forgotten that the Enemy considers those who suffer persecution for His sake to be blessed.

You know, my friend does a far better job of making the vermin in the Enemy's chosen country lose their faith in Him than you've been doing. I mean really, I just crack up whenever I see her waving her wand at some despicable varmint. Do you know what my reaction to your performance is? I'm spitting fireballs as I write this very letter.

Ah, its so much fun to have a leader in charge of the Enemy's chosen country who, not only likes the things that I like, but who is also an avowed hater of the Enemy Himself. I mean sure, whoever likes the thing that I like will naturally hate the Enemy, but it's awfully fun to have someone who actually admits with words, and not just deeds, that they hate the Enemy.

Do you realize why such a circumstance is so much fun? No, of course, you don't. If you had even the slightest inkling, you'd have known what an easy assignment you had and you would have capitalized on it instead of blowing it.

Let me explain. You see, the Enemy has made it clear that the rulers of a country are to be respected and obeyed because the Enemy Himself has given the vermin rulers for their own good. He also says that if the vermin in His camp do what their leaders like, then they will have nothing to fear. I just enjoy it so much when a friend of mine is in power, because then, the Enemy's varmints have no choice but to do the things that I like.

Of course, the problem remains that the Enemy Himself is the ultimate authority for those vermin in His camp, so they, unfortunately, will, like your patient, resist doing things that He doesn't like, even when their worldly leader has commanded them to violate His laws. In fact, lots of them, like your patient, will persist in their belief that the Enemy can save them, even at the last moment. I mean really, that makes me just want to explode with fury.

Now, of course, the Witch doesn't actually have authority to rule the Enemy's chosen country, but it's very easy to make the vermin think that she has, because she's the one in power. Often times the vermin don't consider whether someone came to authority with the Enemy's blessing or not, but they do remember that the Enemy has set everything under His authority, so they figure that whoever is holding the scepter or the gavel or whatever is the one who the Enemy has blessed. It's a really wonderful misconception and I'm sure that, no matter how this era turns out, my side will be able to use this misconception again.

You know, it's just too bad that those two fools who were in charge of the first leaders of this land didn't follow my instructions. I could have been having the kind of fun that I've had over the past century for the past millennium if they'd done their job correctly. Oh well, they were tasty morsels on my dinner plate, you can be sure. Do you know what else that you can be sure of? You'll be a tasty morsel on my dinner plate too.

But let me return to your situation. Did you realize that your patient blatantly chose to be persecuted? Yes, that's right, you worthless moron, your patient weighed the things that you told him against the Enemy's Word, and then chose to cast his lot with the Enemy rather than do something that I would like. He chose to deny himself safety and freedom and to follow the Enemy wherever He leads. He chose to remember that the Enemy told the vermin in His camp that my side will persecute them simply because they are His. Lastly, your patient chose to remember that the Enemy has said that if His followers will suffer in the same manner that He Himself suffers.

You know what? That last bit about suffering as the Enemy Himself suffers makes me extremely nervous. I mean, who does the Enemy think that He is? Surely He knows that no one can make _Him _suffer-unless He agrees to it. But then, why in my name would He agree to something like that?

Of course, don't get me wrong, I'm not at all opposed to making the Enemy suffer. In fact, I'd like that very much. I just don't understand His motives. Then again, I never do.

Well, I really must leave this, your last letter from me, because I need to go make sure that my ovens are hot enough to really torment you, but I'll close with one more thing.

Do you know where you really went wrong? Do you understand where your little error became a complete flop? Of course, you don't, you're a moron. Well, let me tell you. You went wrong because you didn't pick up on the fact that, even though your patient was scared out of his mind of the Witch, he still loved the Enemy and he knew that the Enemy would help him and reward him with a room in His own Country. That faith made your patient recklessly unafraid to oppose my friend, and ultimately, that's why I'll be filling out my dinner order—err invitation—shortly.

Now, would you like to be fried or baked or broiled—oh, never mind, I'll just eat you raw because that will brings out your flavors so well. Have you ever heard or raw stupidity or raw terror?

Say, just one more thing. Did you know that I've already handed responsibility for your patient over to the Witch? Yes, that's right, since I see that you're an utter buffoon when it comes to controlling him, I went ahead and authorized my friend to take over. I'm certain that she'll make the best of a terrible situation. Although, granted, after your horrible mistakes, she doesn't have much to work with. After all, your patient does belong to the Enemy.

As for you, you needn't bother with an RSVP. I'm not giving you a choice about coming to dinner or not.

The Splendid, Merciless, Murderous, One and Only

Tash

(all honor and glory to me)

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes<strong>: First off, I want to thank **Sauron Gorthaur **for the inspiration to think of the Lamppost as the Cross. I used that idea in this letter and tried to connect the Cross to the hope that we have because of Jesus' death and resurrection. Maybe CS Lewis was trying to say that, even in the darkness of a horrible dictatorship and war, God was still with England, and Germany (and everyone else) and Narnia. I think that's why the Pevensies enter Narnia at the Lamppost-because of the hope that their arrival brings that country.

To find out about what Lucy (the little brat that Tash mentions quite often) can be tempted with, read Screwtape on the Pevensies, and it's companion pieces. As to why Tash sends an overling to find out about her, just remember that Tash works in a Lowerarchy, so think of it as an inverted underling.

As before, the slight change in the closing salutation denotes the passage of time. This signature designates the Winter Revolution and the Golden Age.

I decided to not end this letter with an offer for more help because the Witch ends up killing Tumnus (turning him into stone). Now, of course, Aslan brings Tumnus back to life, but I think that having little Nazi ordered in to be Tash's dinner would be an interesting way to symbolize Tumnus' death (little Nazi's complete failure). Toward the end of The Screwtape Letters, Screwtape specifically tells Wormwood to keep his patient alive because if he dies, then they'll lose the opportunity to have his soul because the man was in the Enemy's camp. Tumnus, of course, is killed by the Witch, so wouldn't the same idea hold true?

Nazi was named as Tumnus' demon for three reasons. First, because he risked his freedom and life in order to hide Lucy and help her escape. It reminds me of the way so many people did that very same thing when they heard about the people persecuted at the hands of the Nazis. He knew he was a dead fuan when the Witch found him out, but he was willing to protect her anyway.

Second, Maugrim and the rest of the Witch's secret police force reminds me of the Gestapo, which was responsible for scaring the ordinary Germans into following the Nazi party line. In other words, the Witch's regime, I think, is patterned after the Nazi regime.

Third, when Tumnus helps Lucy evacuate out of Narnia, she enters England, which, of course, remained free throughout WWII. Perhaps, CS Lewis was feeling some nationalistic pride when he penned that part.

Bible verses: **Mark 12:30; Luke 10: 26-37: Matt. 5:11-12; 10:39; John 12:25; 16:33**; **2 Tim. 3:16; Rom. 13:1-5; Heb. 13:17; Dan. 3:16-18; Col**. **2:9-10; Matt. 16:24; Luke 9:23; 1 Peter 2:18-23; Phil. 2:6-11; John:12:26; 14:1-5; Rev. 2:10.**


	7. Mr and Mrs Beaver

My Dears Div and Orce,

Did I read the field report on you two buffoons' recent performance correctly, or could my spy—err a passerby that just happened to notice and then just happened to mention to me—have gotten it completely wrong? Tell me you haven't messed up as badly as I'm sure you did. Tell me and tell me now. I have no patience for lazy nitwits who don't confess to bungling their assignments, especially after I've confronted them.

Yes, that's right, you morons, I know very well that you're both too stupid to get such a straightforward assignment done to my satisfaction and I'm sure that my spy—err, the passerby—was right. I mean really, I could just scream when I think about at how quickly a century of fun and great meals can come crashing down on my head. And all because of a couple of idiots like the two of you can't handle their assignments.

Of course, this type of thing is what you can expect when you oppose the type of Enemy that we have.

Well, do you know what? I, unlike you two worthless ingrates, was not at all surprised by these recent events. Do you know why I'm not surprised? Of course you don't. You're both lazy brutes. You see, I know-and I see your patients know-that the Enemy will always keep His promises. Of course, I see that neither of you seem to have mastered that very basic lesson so you can bet that I'm spitting fireballs right now.

Let me tell you, if either of you were as smart as I am, you'd have seen this coming and you'd have been more competent in your attempts to distract your patients from learning about the Enemy and then passing their knowledge on to those Human varmints from another world.

You know, the vermin who were seated around your patients' table.

Oh my me, I can't believe that you let this happen. How could you not know the Enemy's signs and lines? How could you not know them? I mean really, Temptation University even has a class on the Enemy's signs and lines. Of course, you didn't attend class, did you? I'm not surprised really, none of my best students attend classes, but they all pass with flying colors.

Well, anyway, regardless of the fact that you didn't attend your classes, this particular sign is so easy that even you two worthless idiots should have picked up on it. Now, if that doesn't prove what I've said all along, I don't know what does. You're both worthless morons.

Seriously, there are _four Human _varmints from another world running around in the Enemy's chosen country. Yes, that's right _four _of those mostly hairless bipeds that the Enemy loves have been called from another world and are currently chatting away with your patients. Don't you remember what the Enemy said about two little Males and two little Females coming here from another world? _Don't you remember_?

I mean really, your patients can quote the Enemy's lines better than you can. Seriously, I just knew that when you both cut class every day, it would spell disaster once you entered the field, and as usual, I was right. Oh my me, this situation in the Enemy's chosen country is bordering on out of control for my side. Of course, I really don't have control anyway, unless some stupid varmint lets me have control of them.

Let me tell you, it's so much fun when that happens.

Seriously, what you should have suggested to your patients, after they invited those four Human brats into their home, is that they begin to nag each other about this or that trivial thing. It's quite effective to suggest such a thing occur when you have to patients that live in such close proximity to one another. Surely patients that that share the same living space have some trivial, but of course, very important, gripe that they need to clear up in front of these vermin from another world.

Such a tactic is productive too because if your patients are busy thinking about and arguing over their own grievances then they won't be focused on teaching those four brats from another world all about the Enemy, will they? Of course, they won't.

Now, I certainly recognize that you were both just being great demons when you graduated from Temptation University without even sticking one talon in a classroom, but where has that slackness gotten you now? You're completely undisciplined and, let me tell you, you'll suffer for that.

Of course, being that you were both such great student demons, I must say, I hold you both in very high esteem and I'm sure that, with my timely and extraordinary advice, you'll both get your patients back on the right track-that is the track that leads them down to me.

But, let me have shift gears for a moment. I've just learned a critical bit of information. You should both already know about this news because your own patients were discussing the matter with the Human varmints from another world, but, of course, you weren't listening, were you? And you don't know, do you? Of course you don't, you're both much too stupid to realize that you should be paying attention when your own patients are discussing matters of eternal significance.

Don't you know how moronic you both look when you're caught whispering amongst yourselves and not paying the slightest attention to the matters that your own patients discuss? _Don't you know? _Well, let me tell you, you look dumb enough for me to get my ovens warmed up.

Now, since you're both so stupid, I'm going to go ahead and share the little tidbit that I heard from your patients' own lips. I wouldn't ordinarily help employees who are as moronic as you two are but, as I just mentioned, this little matter has eternal significance—and not just here in the Enemy's chosen country, but across this whole world.

Anyway, the little tidbit that your patient just mentioned in the presence of the vermin from another world is this..._the Enemy Himself has landed in His chosen country._

Now really, how could you have missed _that _coming out of your patients' lips?

I mean really, can you even imagine the fireball that shot out of my mouth when your patients revealed that terrible news to the Human varmints from another world? _Can you imagine it? _Of course, you can't. You're both too stupid to imagine the fireball that I emitted upon hearing that news. And, of course, you're also too stupid to understand why another fireball exploded from my jaws upon seeing how you let the news pop out of your patients' mouths without a second thought. I mean seriously, you didn't even suggest that they should think twice about revealing the Enemy's whereabouts or His place at the center of their lives.

I can't even stand to imagine what this world is coming too, what with idiots like the two of you in the field.

Now, I don't doubt for a moment that this little rumor about the Enemy's return is actually a fact. After all, my friend the Witch has been ranting about how all her snow has been melting at a previously unheard rate. And, of course, I'm sure that you're both familiar with what the Enemy says about what happens when He bares His teeth and shakes His mane? Surely you're both familiar with those lines, aren't you? _Aren't you?_ Of course, you aren't. You're nothing but worthless imbeciles.

Let me tell you, I'm just stunned that your patients know this stuff better than you do. If either of you were worth your salt, you would have been competent enough to use their close living arrangements into something useful for my side. Instead, they've become model teachers for the Enemy's side. It's truly a travesty when something like this happens.

I'm telling you, with your patients' ability to quickly distinguish when the Enemy's paws are all over something and when my talons have made scratch marks on something else, they are a dangerous pair. And now, to my horror, they're sharing all their knowledge with the vermin from another world and, I'm sure, that these four little varmints will keep these lessons in their hearts and minds forever.

I'm telling you, my most fervent wish right now is that these four varmints from another world will make a quick exit from the Enemy's chosen country. The quicker they leave this world, the less that your patients will teach them about the Enemy.

O course, I have precedence on my side, don't I? After all, the two little brats that were here on the very first day haven't come back, have they? Of course not.

But, I digress. Did you know that the Enemy would say that your patients have lived by faith their entire lives? They've never seen the Enemy, but they know He's good. They've never seen a green blade of grass or a delicate flower bloom, but they long for Spring. Well, I'm sure that this is only possible because both of you are inept fools.

But, as I stated before, I don't want either of you to worry about these huge gaffs you've made over the last few hours-or, more precisely, all of your patients' lives. I'm right here to lend you all the support that I can muster. Do you hear me? I'm completely at your disposal.

Of course, I must also add one small unavoidable fact. f you mess up again, then you'll be the ones at my disposal and, believe you me, I'll dispose of you.

Did you realize that the little varmints from another world hadn't even heard about the Enemy before your patients caught up with them? I mean really, I just cracked up when the older Female asked what kind of species the Enemy usually masquerades around as. Do you understand my point? Those Human varmints from another world didn't know the Enemy before your patients met them, but now they're beginning to know Him. And, like I've already said, I have a feeling that those varmints will all turn their lives over to Him and let Him control their destinies.

Of course, quite naturally, I'll hold both of you responsible for that.

Don't you suppose that if your patients were more focused on some trivial, but very grievance that they had between themselves they would have spent less time chatting with the vermin about the Enemy? Of course not. Those varmints would have wanted to get out of your patients' inhabitation so fast that even with this ghastly Spring thaw, they're feet wouldn't have touched liquid water as they crossed the ice.

Oh my me, what your patients displayed today was a disgusting amount of love. They not only loved and protected the four brats from my friend, but they also showed love for their country by telling these four brats, who the Enemy has said will one day rule His chosen country, about the Enemy. Lastly but, unfortunately, not least, they showed great love for the Enemy Himself, because they've been faithful to Him, without ever seeing Him.

I'm telling you, it's just such a great failure for my employees' patients act like your varmints do. This wouldn't happen if you two weren't completely inept and you will both pay dearly your serious lapses in judgment.

I mean really, how can I make inroads in this beastly country that the Enemy loves when the leaders of the land have learned to be faithful to Him?

And to think that all of this is happening after the great fun and productivity that my side has enjoyed over the last century? I mean really, it's enough to make me want to scream.

Well, I'm not about to go down without a fight. There's a war on the horizon and every soul in this world is at stake. In fact, right now, I'm issuing a call to arms and all my stupid moronic employees better respond with their best work. My side may be hamstrung by the Enemy because we can't move unless He allows us too, but I have no doubts that He'll allow our two sides to fight a battle. After all, He just loves to prune away the dead branches in the souls of those vermin in His camp, and hey, how can you tell where the dead branches are if you don't shake the tree a little?

Of course, for me, dead branches are awesome. Death is my calling card. That's why I kill all the vermin who are unfaithful to the Enemy.

Now, since there is a war on the horizon, I'm not going to punish either of you worthless imbeciles yet. I need every moron that I can get to help me counter the Enemy in battle. Who knows? This battle might just be the end of things for my side. I can't imagine that, after a whole century of fun and achievements, but the Enemy's grand plans are always woven in a mysterious design, so I really can't be too sure.

Anyway, since your patients have been assigned the task of teaching the Human vermin from another world about the Enemy, I'm going to give you two morons favored status. Oh yes, I will surely lend you any help that I can give. All you need to do is ask. In fact, I shall be like the Enemy in this regard. He has told His vermin that they could ask Him for anything and He would give it to them. Well, that's what you fiends have in me—a constant friend and helper. I'm telling you, just ask and you'll receive, seek and you'll find, knock and every door will be opened for you.

Of course, if you imbeciles mess up any more, you'll quickly be reminded of my true nature, which is just the opposite of the Enemy's. He is loving and willing to forgive and His aim, when He rebukes His vermin, is to help them to become more like Himself.

I, on the other hand, have no interest in forgiveness or love—whatever they are. If you two worthless ingrates are so foolish as to mess up your assignments again, I'll order you for dinner so fast that you won't know what hit you.

But, guess what? I've already lent you a helping hand, just like I said I would. I'm telling you, it's the kind of help that only someone as marvelous as I am could pull off. You see, my friend has already made contact with the youngest Male and she—unlike you two imbeciles—was able to turn that varmint's heart towards my side in just one meeting. I mean really, if that doesn't point out how stupid both of you morons are, then I don't know what does.

I mean seriously, do you know how gratifying it was for me to see that little Male sneak away from your patients just so he could be with my friend. That's the type of productivity that I need—but rarely get—from all my employees.

You can be sure that while that little Male is with her, my friend will continue to draw him farther and farther away from the Enemy and I'm still laughing about the awesome performance that I put on in order make all this happen.

I mean really, while the other three vermin are learning—from your patients, I must reiterate—that the Enemy's wisdom is far better than money or power, that little Male will be learning just the opposite from my friend. The funny thing is that my friend pulled off the perfect lie when she met that little Male in the woods. Obviously, she has no intention of making that stupid little Male into a Prince or King and, of course, he'll undoubtedly lose his life if he continues to follow her.

It's just exactly the opposite of what happens when a varmint follows the Enemy, you know. He saves the lives of His followers.

Of course, make no mistake, I'm still very nervous about that little Male's fate. I mean just because he's been enticed by and is seemingly interested in what my side has to offers him, the Enemy is still lurking out there. And, of course, as your patients have so horrifyingly told the other three vermin, the Enemy can still save that little Male.

What a horrible truth your patients have revealed to those vermin from another world. I mean really, no matter how far my side pulls a little varmint away from the Enemy, He has the power to reconcile Himself to them. I'm just very concerned about how He might go about doing such a thing. I'm just certain that whatever He does will be revolutionary and completely change the way that things are done in this world for every age to come.

Now, as I said before, there's a battle on the horizon and every one of my worthless imbecilic employees is going to be on the front lines. I need to go make sure that my ovens are stoked to their hottest temperatures because, whichever way the battle goes, I'm sure to be feasting soon. It just remains to be seen whether I'm going to be dining on unfaithful vermin or lousy employees.

And, don't forget, you both have favored status in my book, so don't be shy if you need my help. After all, what do I care if I string both of you idiots along for a little while longer? Your fate has been sealed under my serving platters ever since your patients turned themselves over to the Enemy.

The Splendid, Merciless, Murderous, One and Only

Tash

(all honor and glory to me)

* * *

><p>Div and Orce come from the word, "Divorce". As I started writing this chapter, it occurred to me that the Beavers good marriage isn't the critical aspect of what they bring to the story. They're critical because they're the first ones to mention Aslan to the Pevensies. Their mentoring enables the kids to get to know their Savior's character, even before they personally meet Him. I think that by the time the three Pevensies who stayed with the Beavers have entered Aslan's camp, they've been told every story about Aslan that can possible be told. I decided on Div and Orce because I think that if the Beavers got preoccupied with internal marriage strife, they wouldn't be thinking about introducing the Pevensies to Aslan.<p>

If you like, please tell me, via your review or a PM, who was it that first introduced you to Jesus?

Bible verses: **Gal. 5:16-17; Deut. 11:18-20; Prov. 6:21-22, 7:3; Prov. 22:6; 2 Tim. 1:5; 2 Cor. 5:7; Luke 22:31; John 15:2; Rom. 11:33; 1 Cor. 2:9; Matt. 7:7**; **John 14:14**, **15:7; Psalm 103:10-13**; **Prov. 3:11-12**; **6:23**; **Heb. 12:5-6; Rev. 3:19; Prov. 16:16**, **17:16**; **Ecc. 7:12; John 3:16-18; Heb. 7:25.**


	8. King Lune

My Dear Everyman,

Is this report on your performance correct? Seriously, tell me that it's a little off. I mean sure, I'd prefer it if it were completely wrong, but I know that you're an idiot, so I can only assume that it's correct. Only a moronic nitwit like you could blow such an easy assignment as badly as you've blown this. I mean really, you've got to be the dumbest devil that I've ever employed.

Can you imagine the kind of torments that you'll be facing when I get my talons into you? Seriously, employees who are as dumb as you are don't deserve to bow down and worship me. But that only leaves you with one option, doesn't it? Of course it does.

Since all my employees must either bow down and worship me or be cooked and eaten, I'm sure that you'll end up as a delicacy on my dinner table very soon.

In fact, I'm so livid with you right now that I'm going to issue you an ultimatum. If you can't immediately get control of your patient's soul, then I'm going to devour you raw. I mean really, cooking you would just ruin the flavor of raw stupidity that I'm sure to taste when I finally get to gnaw on your worthless hide.

And, just so things are clear, by controlling your patient's soul, I mean that I should control him.

I mean really, why would I ever let _you _control something? You can't handle things like I can, and your assignment proves it.

Do you have any inkling about how angry I am right now? Do you? _Do you? _You're such a fool. I can't believe that you let this happen.

In fact, let me pause again and make an announcement. lf any of my future employees-who are undoubtedly fixing their pathetic grades at Temptation University right now-ever receives a report that is as bad as the one that I'm currently holding, then you'll be hung, drawn, and quartered over an open flame, then skewered to a poker stick before you're torn to shreds and devoured.

Oh yes, terrors and torments surely await the moron who follows the brilliant example of my moronic employee, Everyman. That employee is not worthy to stand in my presence-as if anyone is.

Let me reiterate. The next employee who blows his assignment as badly as my current cretin Everyman has blown his will surely be thrown under a serving platter and then gnawed to pieces as soon as possible.

But, you can't possibly have done as badly as this report says, could you, my dear cretin? How could someone as smart and cunning as you mess up so badly on an assignment that's so easy? Surely this is all a big mistake. Surely, after everything that the Enemy has allowed your patient to endure, you haven't completely blown your assignment the way that this report says you did.

I'm telling you, I fully intend to punish the scribe who would write such a putrid report on a demon who is as talented and valuable as you are. I just can't imagine why anyone would lie about a bright young demon like you. Surely you, one of my finest Temptation University graduates, would know preciously what to do with a varmint who has had to endured such delightful things.

I mean really, didn't the Enemy allow the most promising things to happen to your patient? Didn't He sit back in silence when your patient's special Female died? He was silent, wasn't He? Of course, He was. And didn't He remain silent instead of warning your patient about the plot to take away his oldest little brat? He was silent again, wasn't He? Surely He knew about the plot. He knows everything, even before the the vermin know it. Of course, He knew, but He was silent, wasn't He? Of course, He was.

Obviously, the Enemy has stopped caring about your patient.

Well, I ask you? How much more do you need to work with? I'm sure that any of my other worthless employees could have easily handle such delightful circumstances, but, unfortunately, I can't include you when I mention my best and brightest fools. You're as worthless as they come.

_How could you let this happen?_

How could you not take advantage of this? _How? How?_

I mean seriously, your patient should be drowning in his own grief and self-pity right now. He should barely be able to drag himself from his bed every morning. He should be going through the motions of his delightfully pitiful existence in survival mode, just waiting to die. He should be throwing up his hands and cursing the Enemy. I mean really, what kind of a omnipresent, all-powerful, loving Ruler, like the Enemy, let one of His best varmints suffer the way He has allowed your patient to suffer?

Well, let me tell you, the Ruler who would promise to always be working out His good plans for His followers, then let such great things happen to them has either withdrawn His love from them or He's an unjust fraud.

Can't you understand why I'm so livid? Of course, you can't. You're clearly too stupid to handle such a small thing. You're not a brilliant amazing Devil like me. I mean really, I would have eaten your patient's soul by now if you were anything close to competent.

Well, unfortunately, given that I'm not an imbecile like you, I sure that the Enemy is working behind the scenes to turn all these events into something that glorifies Himself. Never forget that He's very selfish about Himself getting lots of credit. Let me tell you, the Enemy will undoubtedly spin all these events so that His own actions are at the end of it all and He'll be talked about for ages and ages to come in this world. In fact, I wouldn't put it past Him to advertise Himself to another world by the retelling of the events surrounding your patient.

You see, all that's really going on here is that the Enemy wants your patient to think of Himself more often. Of course, He would say that your patient needs to trust Him, but certainly, that's a big sham. I mean really, why would your patient trust someone who allows such great things to happen to them?

Oh sure, your patient learned, when he himself was just a little brat, that the Enemy is Lord of all creation and that He controls all things and that His nature is always good and patient and loving and that He always acts according to His nature. But, now, the Enemy has put him to the test and you can mark my words, He has ambitions to teach your patient that He loves him more than he already knows.

Well, that makes me want to explode in fury because I too have my own plans for your patient but, thanks to your incompetence, my great plans aren't being implemented correctly. I mean really, you're to stupid to handle my amazing plans.

Look at your patient, you worthless moron. _Look at him_. He isn't acting as if he is waiting to die, is he? He hasn't given up on the Enemy, has he? _Has he_? In fact, from what I see, your patient isn't living in survival mode. No, when I look at him, I see a varmint whose life is thriving.

I mean really, his joy in life is unspeakable, isn't it? And his faith in the Enemy is unsinkable, isn't it? And his love for his younger brat, and the southern country that the Enemy loves, and his friends in the Enemy's chosen country, and yes, even for the Enemy Himself is unstoppable, isn't it? And he still believes that anything is possible when it comes to the Enemy fulfilling His promise about his older brat, doesn't he?

Well, let me tell you, I know very well that your incompetence is completely responsible for this utter travesty and your punishment will certainly reflect your stupidity. I can't wait to burn your scales off and devour you.

I mean really, I've always known that you were too worthless to handle such an easy assignment, so you're lucky that the bolt of Tash hasn't fallen on you yet.

But, don't you worry. I, being the enlightened unchallengeable Devil that I am, can easily overlook your odious past performance and give you some real solid advice. My awesome advice will, undoubtedly, get you get back on track. Never forget that I can handle things that are simply too much for your little pea brain to wrap itself around.

Of course, given that you're a complete nitwit, I'll bet that you won't listen to me and you'll blow your assignment even more than you already have. Well, no matter, I'll just eat you. Besides, you'll be much tastier if you keep on blowing your assignment.

At any rate, do you remember that the Enemy often expects His vermin to stumble through their miserable, worthless lives without anything but their knowledge of His character and the promises that He's made? You know that right? Don't you remember that there are times when He simply refuses to perform for them? Don't you remember that He's not tame? _Don't you remember_?

Well, why haven't you been taking advantage of this? I mean really, don't you know how easy it is to suggest to the vermin in His camp that He has ditched them because they don't see His activities on their behalf? That's the best thing about varmints, you know. They tend to think that if the Enemy is not visible, then He's not there and if He's not doing what they like and how they like it, then He's not on their side. I'm telling you, unimaginative varmints with tunnel vision are some of the easiest vermin to pick off.

Do you know why that is? Of course, you don't, you're an imbecile. Well, since I'm incredibly brilliant and you're just plain stupid, let me impart some wisdom on you. It's so easy to pick off that type of varmint because they tend to think that the Enemy is tame and, of course, He's not. I mean really, isn't it hilarious when, no matter how many times the Enemy proclaims His unsafe but good nature, some vermin continue to believe that He can somehow be tamed.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that it isn't possible for the vermin to give up on the Enemy so easily, but I assure you that they can and they do. I'm telling you, all that you need to do is attack the things that they love most and they'll crumble. It's absolutely one of the finest tactics that my side uses. Let me tell you, this tactic is a virtual guarantee for bringing in tasty varmint souls for me to dine on.

So, I ask you again, why aren't you taking advantage of this? Can you really be so dumb? I mean really, the Enemy stood back in silence and even then you couldn't deliver the goods.

You're just the opposite of me, you know. I can handle anything that come my way.

Of course, unfortunately, the Enemy does have a way to bring His vermin back to Him, doesn't He? Even if my side incites some varmint to question the Enemy's motives or weaver in their faith in Him, He understands them and He's perfectly capable of reconciling them to Himself. I mean really, it's just pathetic how He can do that. Do you remember what happened a few years ago? Well, you'd better remember what happened because it was so horrifying like the Enemy-just like I always said that it would be-that I never want to mention it again.

I mean really, I can't think of anything in the annals of history that is more hideous than what happened a few years ago.

You know, I'm just livid that my old friend completely blew any chance that I had to ultimately run the Enemy's chosen country. But, you know what? I'm even more livid that your patient knew the Enemy well enough to know that He would take care of him and his loved ones. Your patient has never given up on the Enemy, has he? And he remembers that the Enemy has His own way of doing things and that all his questions would be answered in His time.

I mean really, no matter how many times your patient asked the Enemy why all these delightful things are happening in his life, he never let go of His promises. Isn't that awful?

You know that this is all your fault, don't you? I mean really, I'm too amazing to have blown such an easy assignment. You're nothing but a worthless fool.

Do you know who else turned out to be a fool besides you? The answer is my old friend. Now, let me tell you, she really blew it. Certainly, I, being the amazing Devil that I am, would have looked farther back in time than she did. I would have seen through the Enemy's plot, hidden in the darkness before time began. I'm telling you, I would have been able to stop Him.

I can handle anything that He throws at me.

I mean really, that Witch wasn't even able to secure the soul of the one little Male that she'd momentarily enticed. How could she ever think that she could defeat the Enemy? I'm the only one who can do that. And, believe you me, one day I will.

Isn't it horrible that her utter incompetence has given that little Male and the other vermin from another world a chance to become very close to the Enemy? Now, they are His chosen leaders and they are ruling His chosen country the way that He likes and they've given Him control of their lives. Isn't that awful?

Well, who was the awesome Devil that predicted all of these happenings? It was me, wasn't it? Of course, it was. You're too stupid to understand the things that go on in this world.

Of course, those almost hairless bipeds from another world have also become very close to your patient as well. I'm telling you, I can't imagine anything that could be more damaging to my plans than that. They've been able to encourage your patient to keep his eyes fixed on the Enemy, regardless of how delightful things look in this world. They just keep on reminding your patient to persevere until the Enemy's plans are fully revealed and he listens to them instead of you. Can't you see why that's so horrible? Don't you know what perseverance produces? Of course, you don't. You're a buffoon.

I'm telling you, no good can possibly come when the Enemy's ranks join forces-at least, not for my side. Of course, you're too dimwitted to understand such simple things. Why, the Enemy Himself has promised His ranks that when they are joined together, He Himself will attend their meeting. Isn't that awful? Of course, He may or may not be visible to them when they're together, but they know that He's there because they know to take Him at His word. Why, it just makes me sick to think about.

Seriously, I'm just livid that you haven't been able to drive a wedge between the four varmints from another world and your patient. It would have been so simple for you to manage if you had a shred of intellect. I mean really, don't you know about the awful things that the Enemy can spread around when His vermin fellowship together?

Now, what you should have suggested is that your patient remember how tiresome the Enemy's promises sound in the ears of vermin who can't see His works. Why didn't you suggest that? Why didn't you suggest that the four varmints from another world were merely quoting the Enemy's empty words and that they had no bases on which to make such claims?

Well, I know why you didn't suggest these things. It's because you're so stupid that you didn't even think of them. I'm telling you, I'm much more capable of handling this world's problems than you are.

Do you know what else has me boiling with rage? I'm just furious that the Enemy didn't send those four varmints back to their own world as quickly as He sent those two other brats home-you know, the ones that were here when He created this world. I mean really, I wouldn't put it past the Enemy to keep these four horrible varmints around here until His plans for your patient and his two little brats has been more fully revealed. If He does that, then those vermin will be able to share His message and deeds with other vermin in their own world.

You know, the Enemy is just that patient when it comes to bringing glory to Himself. It would be just like Him to spread around knowledge of Himself and His deeds in this world to varmints in another world. He's just not willing for me to have any of the varmints that He's created. I mean really, not even one.

Well, as I was saying, what a horrible opportunity these four varmints from another world have had to get to know the Enemy. I mean really, my only consolation is that I'm sure that they have demons attached to them in their own world and, after all this time, those demons are going to have a tough time with their patients. I'm telling you, I know exactly what the head Devil in their world is going through.

After all, I have to deal with a moron like you.

Why am I the only one in the Lowerarchy with any smarts? Answer me that, will you? Why is everyone else down here a despicable fool? Well, of course you can't answer that question. You're just too stupid to know about simple stuff like that.

But, let me get back to your patient. Don't you know how easy it would have been for you to suggest to him that the Enemy has cut him off because he's done something to displease Him? How marvelous it would have been for me if you had managed to convince your patient that, on a whim, the Enemy would remove His paw from your patient. How marvelous it would be to see him stumbling through his wretched life without the Enemy's guidance because you suggested that He despises him. What a great joke that would be.

Of course, unfortunately, the Enemy isn't susceptible to whims, is He? No, He doesn't shift like a shadow. He is the same today as He was yesterday and He'll still be the same tomorrow. And, of course, His eyes follow all of His vermin wherever they go. He even saw them before they came into this despicable world, didn't He?

Oh, how stupid you are for not nailing down your patient's soul for me despite the fact that there is so much evidence that the Enemy has clearly abandoned him. I'm telling you, I was ready to add your patient to my menu the moment darkness and despair enveloped his life. But, oh no, the Enemy reminded him that darkness is light to Him and your patient was comforted by His words.

Seriously? _Seriously_? How could you be so dumb? How could you be so inept?

I'm telling you, I just can't wait to devour you for your stupidity and, no doubt, I will, once I've confirmed that my scribe isn't the one who messed up. I'm telling you, I'll bet that's what happened. How could a demon who is as bright and talented as you are mess up on such a simple assignment? I mean really, if my scribe is the one who has messed up, then you can be assured that she'll really catch it from me. The bolt of Tash will certainly fry her worthless hide and then I'll devour her. On the other hand, if this report on your performance is true, then you'll be the one who fries and dies. I mean really, it couldn't be any more obvious that you're not on my level when it comes to smarts. You just can't handle things the way I can, can you? Of course not.

The Splendid, Merciless, Murderous, One and Only,

Tash

(all honor and glory to me)

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes<strong>: I'm going to shamelessly indulge in some self-promotion by advertising my Screwtape on the Pevensies story for those of you readers who are interested. While I wrote this chapter, I was struck by how Tash laments the fact that the Pevensies have been in Narnia for so long, while in the Screwtape series, Screwtape complains that his Overlings lost sight of their patients for "mere moments" and the varmints managed to meet the Enemy and get to know Him well.

Everyman got his name because the term "Everyman" means an ordinary individual with whom the the reader or audience can identify with. I think that we've all had times when life stinks and God seems silent, so on some level, we can all identify with what King Lune must be feeling. Everyman wants Lune to be dragged down because the Enemy is clearly not interested in us. God, however, wants us to know Him and trust Him despite any trials that we're facing.

Now, here's three question for you. Did you see any lines that reminded you of Casting Crowns' song, "Thrive? How about lines that remind you of Kerrie Robert's song, "No Matter What"? Did you catch the parts where I wrote both C.S. Lewis and myself into the letter?

Bible verses: **Job 38-41**; **Psalm 139:4**; **Job 6:1-4**; **Jer. 29:11**; **Job 12:10; Psalm 31:15; Col. 1:15-19**; **Psalm 145:9,13-14; 2 Tim. 2:13**; **2 Cor. 12: 9-10; Job 11:7-11; Psalm 139:17-18; Rom. 11:33-36; 1 Cor. 2:9-11; Job 1:11, 2:5; 9:33-35; 16:19-21; 19:25-27; Rom: 8:33-34; Heb. 4:15-16; 1 John 2:1-2**; **Rom. 5:1-5**; **Psalm 145:18; Matt. 18:20; Rom. 12:15**; **2 Peter 3:8-10**; **Job: 23:8-10, Psalm 139:7-10, **and **Rom. 8:35-39**; **Heb. 13:8; James 1:17**; **Psalm 139:15-16**; **Job 12:22; Psalm 139:11-12**.

Now, one more thing. As you might have guessed, I've been trying to set up King Lune as the Narnian Job. In **Job 42:7-17**, God restores Job's fortunes and family by doubling what he had before. Aslan also restores what Lune lost and gives him even more-his son, a daughter-in-law, a grandson, and the freedom of two Talking Horses.


	9. Prince Cor

My Dear Schizo,

Oh, how I hate you. Let me count the ways.

The first, and really only, reason that I hate you is because you're a complete idiot. I mean really, do I need another reason to hate you? Of course not.

You had the perfect set up, you worthless fool. Seriously, you couldn't have been placed in a more ideal situation for bringing your patient down to me. You had it made, you moron. But could you handle your patient? Of course, you couldn't. You're an imbecile.

I mean really, didn't your patient spend his young years among vermin who think that I'm worthy of worship? Wasn't he raised by and among vermin who hate the Enemy almost as passionately as I do? I mean of course, how could anyone hate the Enemy more that I do, but at least it's gratifying to know that I'm making _some _headway in taking over this world.

Not that I'm satisfied with owning the hearts and minds of only one nation, mind you; I won't be satisfied until I'm seated on the Enemy's throne and every varmint's knee is bent and every varmint's mouth acknowledges me as the ruler of this world.

Well anyway, let me get back to your colossal flub. I really can't understand how such a talented demon like you could have messed up as badly as you have. Seriously, every report card that you received at Temptation University was perfect. How could a demon that did so well at my premier educational facility not be able to handle such an easy assignment?

And, what's even worse, you've had the opportunity to work closely with some of your greatest colleagues. I mean really, you've always had access to help whenever you needed it. Didn't you work closely with the venerable Stonefish until your tempting tactics really started to unravel? Of course, you did. And wasn't he able to clean up the messes that you continually made while you worked with him? Of course, he was. Stonefish knows how to bring in the goods.

Why didn't you follow his example? Why didn't you encourage your patient to devote himself to the frivolous study of poetry or some other ridiculous activity that the vermin who worship me think is so important? Why did you just sit on your backside while Stonefish tried to manage both his patient and yours? I'm telling you, Stonefish knows how much I like to eat young varmints so, even those he was attached to an old geezer, he did his best to lead your young one astray too.

I mean really, that's the trouble with you young nitwits. You're always making messes of your assignments and then you expect those demons who are older and wiser and far better at doing their jobs to clean up after you. Well, guess what, you moron? Stonefish isn't there to help you anymore, is he? Of course, he isn't. He's back there in that country that worships me. Yes, that's right, you idiot, he's doing his job and he's doing it well. You're a real stupid fool for letting your patient ride away from the influence of Stonefish's patient. Oh my me, you'll surely pay for messing up so badly.

I mean really, you should have seen this coming. Wasn't your patient constantly looking toward the north? Don't you know that the two countries to the north of you have tons of vermin who love the Enemy? I mean really, didn't Stonefish constantly have to send his patient over to correct your patient's curiosity about the northern lands where so many vermin love the Enemy with all their hearts and minds? So, answer me this, you stupid nitwit. How could you not have seen this coming?

Why didn't you follow Stonefish's lead and suggest that your patient mind his own business or keep his mind on the task of helping Stonefish's old geezer become a bigger fool and he already is? Why didn't you encourage your little brat to become a greedy self-centered pig like Stonefish as coaxed his patient to be? Why didn't you suggest that your patient simply suffer through his clearly unfair miserable life and not worry about changing his circumstances for the better?

I mean really, how your patient could have figured out that, even though his life was terrible and his position in society, at least in the country that worships me, was near the bottom of the scale, the Enemy is always plowing around, just waiting to make things better for those vermin who accept Him?

I'm telling you, it's just exactly the opposite of what I would do. I steal and kill and destroy.

Seriously, hot flames shot out of my mouth when your patient learned that the Enemy is compassionate to all the vermin who wait for Him to act and who know that His blessings are new every morning.

How could you be so worthless? How could you be so inept?

Didn't you know that vermin who long to live in another place do so because they're created to live in another place? Have you forgotten who your patient really is? Did you let all your years of working so closely with some of your most esteemed colleagues lull you into a false sense security? Did you really believe that the Enemy couldn't call one of His own out of exile? Did you just assume that He wouldn't bring one of His own varmints home? Did you forget that He is perfectly capable of fulfilling His promise concerning your patient?

I mean really, if that doesn't classify you as a moron, then I don't know what does.

Oh my me, I just knew that my plans to eat your patient had unraveled when Nyct's patient showed up. I mean really, even the great Stonefish couldn't have rescued you from the mess you made that night. Well, all my demons should know that they have to stand on their own feet so you can't blame Stonefish for this disaster of your own making. I'm telling you, Stonefish has helped you more than he should have-and that's why he's going to be punished for ten thousand years.

Well, how does that make you feel? I bet you could care less, right? I'd better be right. Why should you care if Stonefish is punished? I mean really, he only saved your scaly little worthless hide from becoming my dinner about a billion times. Well, you'd better not care what happens to him.

But, I digress. Let me get back to your utter failures. I'm telling you, I just knew that Nyct's patient would lead your patient away from my dinner table. Nyct is undoubtedly just as incompetent as you are. But his patient isn't the only one that your patient has made contact with, is he? Of course not.

_You moron. You imbecile. You worthless fool._

Let me see, your patient also made contact with Poliomy and Orp's patients, didn't he? Of course, he did. Didn't you know that Poliomy and Orp are complete idiots? _Didn't you know that? _I mean really, doesn't it take one to know one? So how could you not have known that you were traveling with fools? I mean really, how could you let this happen? Well, this travesty is one of your own making, and you'll certainly pay dearly for your grievous errors.

I mean seriously, even the little squabbles that the four of you tried to sow between your patients didn't do anything to tear them about. I'm telling you, that's what happens when the Enemy Himself brings vermin together.

Of course, for a while there, you and Poliomy played off of each other pretty well, and your patients were at each others' throats because of it. I'm telling you, their arguments was like music to my ears. But, as you well know—or maybe, you're too stupid to know—varmints arguing back and forth isn't going to bring them down to my dinner table. However, in this case, it was very helpful because it sowed seeds of Resentment and Hatred in your patient. I'm telling you, I just cracked up every time your patient felt Resentment and Hatred toward Poliomy's patient because he thought that her life was better than his.

I mean really, what makes it especially funny is the fact that Poliomy's patient's life is just as miserable as your patient's life. But, just like most vermin, your patient only sees what's happening on the outside. Only the Enemy has access to the inside of all the vermin, and you can bet that His goal is to change their heart to be more like His own.

Unfortunately, that's what's happening in your patient now. Those seeds of Resentment and Hatred are dying and, I'm sure that it's all your fault.

Oh my me, things are quite different between your patient and Poliomy's patients now, aren't they? Those two varmints have hung out together for so long and they've been through so many trails together that they've actually come to know and understand each other. Well, you two morons better not start thinking that their nearly constant bickering will be helpful to either of you. Mark my words, their closeness will become a huge problem for both of you.

I mean really, when my spies reported that four of my dumbest morons were traveling together, it was enough to make hot fireballs explode from my mouth. But, do you know what's even worse than four bumbling idiots having to work together? What's worse is how the four of you came to have to work together.

I mean really, didn't you recognize that it was the Enemy Himself who was chasing the four of you that night? _Didn't you recognize Him?_

Oh sure, those none of the vermin knew it was Him, but you and your colleagues should have known. I mean really, even when He takes other forms, like He did when He was with your patient outside the Capitol city that's named after me, you should've know it was Him.

_For my sake, He's the Enemy._

How could you, a demon who sailed through Temptation University with flying colors, not know the Enemy when He's right in front of you? Or behind you? Or beside you? Don't you know that He's everywhere? Seriously, He could've been above you or beneath you and I'm sure that you wouldn't know it was Him. You're such a stupid fool. I mean really, don't you know that He hems in those vermin who love Him? How could you not know it was Him chasing the vermin that night?

Surely you remember that He's had His paws all over your patient's story from the very beginning. Surely you remember that even when your patient was just a tiny little brat, the Enemy Himself made sure that he was safe.

_Don't you remember that?_

Well, anyway, isn't it frustrating how the Enemy can change forms so easily? I mean, think about it. When He was in His natural form, He was frightening and unapproachable to your patient and the other varmints. In fact, they were all terrified of Him, weren't they? Of course, they were. But then, He decided to become a much smaller, weaker, more helpless, and, quite frankly, more pathetic version of Himself and, all of the sudden, your patient wasn't at all afraid to make contact with Him for the first time.

I'm telling you, that's the Enemy for you. He just loves it when one of the vermin that He created reaches out and strokes His back or cuddles up with Him. He knows that when the vermin come into contact with His great love and comfort, then He can win them over to His side. And then, of course, the vermin can eventually that His nature is exactly the same, no matter what form He appears in.

I mean really, can't you see that that's what's happened to your patient, now that he knows who the Enemy is and what He's done for him?

And what, I should ask you, were you doing while your patient was cuddling with the Enemy that night among all the worldly remains of those vermin who I've been able to gorge on? Well, my spy says that you were trying to make contact with those dead fools who worshiped me right down to my dinner table.

You stupid fool, didn't you know that I don't regurgitate the vermin that I've dined on? Oh no, they're forever mine, once they've ended up under one of my dinner platters. Oh sure, right up till then, they have their chance to make it to the Enemy's Country, but once they're on my table, they won't get away.

Anyway, you should have known that. You idiot.

But, let me back up just a bit now. Did you have a nice chat with Lary? I should think that you two would have had a lot to catch up on, since you haven't seen him since your patient was taken away from the crib that he once shared with Lary's patient. Well, hey, since those two little bratty varmints didn't have a bit of trouble chatting up a storm, I figured that you and Lary probably got caught up too-because neither of you fools were doing your jobs.

I'm telling you, you should have suggested that your patient be jealous of Lary's varmint. You could have suggested that your patient start an argument with Lary's patient because he was really envious of that little brat's social position and good life. Wouldn't that have been hilarious? I mean because, in reality, your patient actually outranks Lary's patient-given that your little punk is Everyman's patient's heir.

It also would have been funny if Lary's patient had started boxing with your patient. I'm telling you, that little brat that Lary is in charge of has a nearly uncontrollable temper. It's absolutely hilarious. Just about anything will set him off. And, of course, that little brat is quite a fighter too. He'd knock your patient for a loop in less time than it takes for me to tell. Undoubtedly, that would have helped you sow more seeds of Resentment, Hatred, and Self-Pity in your patient.

It would have been awesome if you and Lary could have teamed up to pull off a big fight between your two varmints but, of course, you're both too worthless to have manage that.

I'm telling you, why can't you pull off such simple responsibilities? Are you really that miserably inept? Of course, you are.

Oh my me, I was just relieved that neither of those little brats figured out the great secret that I've worked so hard to protect. All the fires in my country wouldn't be hot enough for the two of you if those two little brats had figured out my secret. Well, let me tell you, it wasn't because of your splendid work that they didn't figure it out. I mean really, I'm sure it was just dumb luck.

Of course, it doesn't matter now, does it? They know who each other now is now, don't they? Of course, they do.

Well, let me tell you. the bad part about your patient realizing his true identity is that now he can really know how much the Enemy cares about him and that He's created him for a special purpose. See, the Enemy puts a special emphasis on names and He has a history of changing the names of varmints whom He Himself has changed.

And you can bet that He has always known your patient's real name. After all, didn't you hear Him say that He's been waiting a long time for your patient to speak to Him?

I think I'm just going to explode with rage. All my hard work down the drain. Can't you do anything right? Can't you? _Can't you?_

And don't even get me started on Poliomy and Placebo's patients. Well you can be sure that I'll take care of them too.

Anyway, let me get back to your moronic troubles. You're such a moron that I'm sure you didn't know this, but you still have work to do. Oh yes, you can still infect your varmint with great things like Resentfulness and Anger. I know, I know, it seems really stupid that a varmint could be made to resent his early years, especially when his later years are pretty good, but it happens all the time.

It would be wonderful if you could manage that. You could suggest that your patient still feel Anger toward Lary and Poliomy's patients for living their young years in luxury, while your patient was slaving away for Stonefish's patient. You should also put the suggestion into his head that Everyman's patient didn't try his best or use all his resources to find your patient after he was stolen. That would surely reinforce my idea that your patient has been dealt a losing hand in life.

And, yes, you fool, these suggestions are perfectly useful. They work all the time. Even on patients whose cups are overflowing with the Enemy's love and goodness.

Isn't that hilarious?

But, do you want to know what isn't hilarious? Your performance, that's what. I mean seriously, how could you have blown such an easy assignment? Oh sure, you worked in a blissfully scorching environment with so many of your esteemed colleagues and your old neighborhood was a virtual who's who of members of Temptation University's Honor Roll, but you're so worthlessly inept that your patient was able to waltzed right through all the temptations and then he came into contact with two of the Enemy's strongest ambassadors.

Seriously, haven't you heard of what the Enemy did to save that younger Male ruler who your patient met in that Capitol that's named after me? Didn't you know that the older Female ruler, who simply couldn't get over your varmint's presence in her life, watched the biggest event that the Enemy had carried out on behalf of the younger Male varmint? Haven't you heard about these two hideous varmints that love the Enemy so much? Aren't you aware that they're related to another older Male and a younger Female who are just as horrifying as they are?

Well, now your patient has meant that younger Female and I'm quite sure that he'll meet the older Male very soon. I'm telling you, this is all undoubtedly your fault.

I mean sure, those four varmints—who are from another world—are living hundreds of miles away from where you've been working all this time, but, unfortunately, they've become very popular in this world and many vermin have joined the Enemy's ranks because of them. I'm just positive that you must have heard about them. Oh my me, those four have been a real travesty for my side.

Say, didn't you know that the events surrounding those four varmints' ascension to their thrones is simply too hideous for me to relate? I mean seriously, I just wither with rage whenever one of my employees does such a horrible job that I have to remind them of how precarious our situation is down here. Don't you realize that I can't afford even the slightest error being made? Once some varmint gives themselves to the Enemy, that varmint is lost to my dinner table and there's simply nothing that can be done about it.

Well, I'm sure you weren't paying the slightest bit of attention, but did you happen to notice when that younger Male ruler outlined his plan to get that hot Female ruler away from Jester's patient's clutches? I'm telling you, it would have been so great if Jester's patient could have gotten a hold of that ravishing Female and started influencing her to do the things that he's doing. I was so sure that Jester could get his patient to lay claim to that gorgeous Female who is one of the four great rulers in the Enemy's chosen country. Oh well, at least he's managing his own patient well.

Unlike you, you idiot.

Well, anyway, when that young Male devised his plan of escape, he inadvertently gave your patient some very critical information, didn't he? Did you pick up on that? I bet you didn't. You're one of my biggest fools, after all. Well, you can bet that the Enemy planned things to turn out this way. It's just like Him to do something that awful. I can just see how He set up your patient up to be in that room, at that time, with those two varmints from another world.

Let me tell you, I could have just screamed when you failed to divert your patient's attention away from that young Male's conversation.

I mean really, did your patient sit there and fill his practically empty guts with the food and drink that those two varmints from another world offered him or was he all ears and did he begin to devise a plan to help those two varmints foil Jester's patient plans? Oh my me, how inept can you be?

I'm telling you, when I found out what your varmint was planning to do to spoil Jester's patient's plans, I nearly exploded with fury. I mean really, you should never have let your patient leave the influence of Stonefish's patient. None of this would have ever happened if your patient was still wallowing in self-pity, like he was while he was doing Stonefish's patient's bidding.

But do you want to know something else that makes me want to explode? I just hate it when a varmint learns that the Enemy doesn't let any little varmint sail through life in comfort and luxury. It's really a grand misconception that we've been able to spread around, isn't it? Lots of vermin think that they'll live worry and trouble free lives once they've joined the Enemy's ranks. Luckily, for us, when some of those varmints learn the horrible truth, they opt to return to doing things that I like. Unfortunately, this isn't the case with all vermin. Some of them end up being like your patient.

Well, I'm telling you, your patient's attitude is entirely your fault.

I mean really, the Enemy allows every little varmint to struggle and stumble and fall down and get up again, doesn't He? Every varmint goes through tough times. The Enemy allows both sunshine and rain, no matter if a varmint likes His ways or my ways.

So why weren't you able to take advantage of this?

I mean seriously, my mouth just ignited with flames when I heard that old geezer, who lives in southern muck at the edge of that southern country that the Enemy loves, told your patient that whenever he completes one hard task, the Enemy usually gives him something even harder as a reward. I mean really, why in my name would any varmint in his right mind consider that kind of treatment as the Enemy showing His love for them?

I mean sure, the Enemy says that those varmints who have their hope in Him will renew their strength, but hey, your patient sure looked exhausted to me.

I'm telling you, I'm so angry that I could just explode right now. Watching you blow a perfectly simple assignment in such a spectacular fashion has me in such a state that, if you were down here right now, you'd see more than just steam coming out of my ears. Seriously, I absolutely hate having to watch your patient forget his miserable past and keep on striving for the disgustingly wonderful things that the Enemy undoubtedly has waiting for Him.

I mean really, your patient just can't seem to take his eye off the Enemy, who is the author of his faith, now can he? Of course, given that the Enemy is constantly showing up in your patient's miserable life, I'm sure that it would be hard for your little varmint to not see Him, now that he knows He's there.

Of course, it's all your fault that your patient knows about the Enemy's presence now. I mean really, could you be a bigger moron than you are? I doubt it.

Don't you remember the price that the Enemy paid to keep all of His creation off of my dinner table? Don't you understand how horrible it is for my side that your patient has found out how much the Enemy loves him and the extent that He'll go to save him and every other varmint in this world? Don't you remember that the Enemy took on His assignment with joy because He loves all the little varmints that He's created?

But, again, I've digressed. What's up with the Enemy making these types of promises about making His ranks tireless and tough when they fight against my forces? Surely what He says isn't true. Surely He's just leading the vermin on some wild goose chase?

Oh, if only that were right but, unfortunately, it's not. The Enemy is indeed capable giving the vermin in His camp the strength and willpower to do anything that He calls them to do. I'm telling you, it's really infuriating.

It would have been so gratifying to me if you had managed to get your patient to buy into the suggestion that he was powerless to make something good happen out of the miserable situation that he spent his young years in. I mean really, how hard could that have been for such a smart little devil like you? It should have been so easy. I mean really, the Enemy created all the little vermin from dust, didn't He? Of course, He did. What could He have been thinking when He made the vermin out of something as weak and useless as dust?

Unfortunately, for my side, the Enemy's foolishness is wiser than any varmint's wisdom and His weakness is stronger than any varmint's strength, so you can be certain that anything that what He forges out of dust will be stronger and tougher than anything a little varmint could come up with.

And, of course, right when your patient got to the end of his rope, the Enemy Himself appeared to him in His natural form, didn't He? And He told your little varmint all about his story and how He had been working out His good plans all along, didn't He? I'm telling you, that's the Enemy for you. He never pushes someone beyond what they can take, even though the vermin often accuse Him of doing just that.

He just has His ways of encouraging them to realize that He's created them to be tougher than they usually realize.

Oh, by the way, I hope you're not thinking that I've forgotten the fact that the Enemy showed Himself to your little brat in His chosen country. I mean seriously, how could you have been so dumb as to let your patient wind up _there_?

I mean seriously, how can I succeed in taking over this world if idiots like you can't cope under such delightfully awful circumstances once you're out working in the field? I'm telling you, your performance highlights just how hideously awful the Enemy's saving grace is in the life of varmints who are willing to take up His yoke and make His cause their own.

I mean really, when the vermin take up His yoke—which is very light, I must add—they may just start proclaiming the Enemy's good news to the poor, and His willingness to bind up the brokenhearted, free the captives, release the prisoners from darkness, comfort mourners, give sight to the blind, release the oppressed, and, most horribly, for my side, to proclaim the year of His favor.

I mean really, just thinking about it makes me want to devour you for your worthless inept work. How could you let this happen? How could you be so stupid?

Oh my me, your patient is already living proof of all the above mentioned horrible things and his testimony will undoubtedly be talked about for years and years. Most horribly, I have a suspicion that his testimony may just make it into some other world too. Oh my me, I can't imagine that. I'm just glad that I won't have to write letters to all the morons that will undoubtedly suffer setbacks when their vermin hear your patient's story.

Well, anyway, I'm quite brilliant, I'm sure that I can think of something to salvage your miserable performance. Don't you worry your ugly little scales off too much. I'm here for you, you worthless moron. I'm here for you. You just be sure to write me a note if you need any more of my wonderful, sound, and extraordinary advice. Don't you worry, you miserably stupid cretin. I've got your back.

The Splendid, Merciless, Murderous, One and Only,

Tash

(all honor and glory to me)

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong> My goodness, I knew that there would be a lot of demons to work into these The Horse and His Boy chapters, but I don't think I really appreciated how horrifying it must have seemed to Tash. Every time I connected two or more of the demon's patient's together, it became more and more clear what kind of a horror show it must have been for him. I picture the travels of Schizo, Nyct, Poliomy, and Orp as something of the demonic version of four stooges on a cross country vacation.

Schizo is named for Schizoid Personality Disorder. People who are diagnosed with SPD are socially and emotionally withdrawn. They like to hang out by themselves and would choose a solitary hobby over one involving other people. They don't show emotions and they react passively to negative situations. I think this is a perfect way to describe the type of Cor that Tash would like-someone who has no desire to make his life better and who is cold and distant from others. Tash would prefer that Cor choose to remain behind and not accept the help that he needs from others to make improvements in his life.

Stonefish got his name because Arsheesh is a fisherman and stonefish are rated as the most poisonous fish in the sea. They get their name from their ability to blend into the coral reefs in the tropical waters where they live. Like Arsheesh, they live in the south and, obviously, Arsheesh blends in with his surroundings, both racially and religiously. Stonefish have spines that extend outward when they're threatened or stepped on and those little spines can be bad. They cause horrible pain, swelling, tissue death, muscle weakness, temporary paralysis, trouble breathing, vomiting, and/or a host of other pretty nasty things. However, only rarely will the stingers cause death. I chose Stonefish for Arsheesh's demon because of the temporary nature of the pain they cause. Cor may have had a rotten experience with Arsheesh, but once it was over, it was over. Cor's rotten childhood is something that he can, in fact, overcome. Also, the treatment for a stonefish sting involves soaking the wound in hot water (sort of like baptism, and I hope I'm not grasping at straws with that connection) and contacting emergency services (as in prayer. Here again I hope I'm not forcing some connection, but the thought just occured to me).

Nyct is Bree's demon, Poliomy is paired with Aravis, Orp is attached to Hwin, Lary is trying hard (or not) with Corin, Placebo is paired with Lasaraleen and Jester is dragging down Rabadash. They'll all get letters from Tash, so you can learn about them as I get to them.

The part about the Enemy changing forms makes me think of Jesus in the Manger. At first, when Aslan is a Lion, or in His natural form, He terrifies Cor, Aravis, Bree and Hwin. When I started thinking that part over, it made me think of God in the Old Testament, when humans had to cover their faces whenever He passed by. God was simply to awesome and powerful to look at. Then, we have the New Testament, and Jesus comes to us in human form, or as Tash puts it, "a smaller, weaker, more helpless and, quite frankly, more pathetic version of Himself", and all of the sudden, we can look Him in the face and each out and touch Him, just like Cor is able to reach out and touch and be comforted by Aslan the Housecat when he's waiting for the others outside of Tashbaan. I've begun to think of it in terms of a Narnian version of Mark Lowry's Christmas song, "Mary, Did You Know?" It would go something like this, "Shasta, did you know that the little cat you're holding is the great I AM?

The old geezer, who in the southern muck in the southern country that the Enemy loves, is the Hermit of the Southern Marsh.

Bible verses: **Phil. 2:10-11**; **Matt. 18:6; Luke 17:2**; **Matt. 22:37; Mark 12:30; Luke 10:27**; **Psalm 23:1-4; John 10:10**; **Lam. 3:22-27**; **Isa. 43:1-7**; **Ecc. 4:9-12**; **1 Sam. 16:7**; **Psalm 193:5-10**; **Luke 23:39-43**; **John 10:14-15; Eph. 2:10**; **Psalm 23:5-6**; **2 Cor. 2:14-17**, **5:20-21**; **John 6:38-40**; **Matt. 13:5-6, 8, 20-21, 23**, **5:45**; **Rom. 5:3-8**; **Isa. 40:28-31**; **Phil. 3:12-14**; **Heb. 12:2-3**; **Psalm 103:14**; **1 Cor. 1:25**; **Jere. 29:11; 1 Cor. 10:13**; **Matt. 11:28-30; Isa. 61:1-2; Luke 4:18-19**.


	10. Aravis

My Dear Poliomy,

I really can't tell you how dumbfounded I am that all your brilliant work has so quickly evaporated into nothing. What happened?

I mean really, it wasn't very many weeks ago that your filthy patient was perfectly content to drug her slave varmint and not care in the slightest what would happen to her. I'm telling you, I thought I might be adding your name to the ranks on my most prized employees when that happened. I could just smell your soiled patient's rotting flesh burning in my fiery cauldrons when I saw how effectively you whispered my suggestion into her ear and she listened to you.

Next, it was so exciting to see her riding Orp's patient off into the woods to pay homage to those two goddesses who she was led, by my brilliant scheming idea that you used, into believing that they actually existed. I mean really, what a joke. After all, I'm the only one in this world who is worth venerating. It's just got to be some awful joke that the Enemy has set Himself above me—and everything else. I mean really, why should He get credit for everything? What does He have that I don't?

But, I digress. Let me tell you, I could just taste your corrupt patient's delightfully slimy flesh between my gnashing teeth as she held that dagger over her chest and prepared, albeit unknowingly, to enter my country. I mean seriously, I was just salivating at the thought of eating her tortured flesh. I know that you can't possibly fathom how rabidly I was anticipating the opening of a dinner platter and beholding your dirty patient as my main course. I mean really, I was so proud of how you were using my great advice at that moment. Your suggestion that your grimy patient should simply end her life instead of pushing through the tough times was so brilliant that I'm just certain that I was the one who taught it to you.

Well, like I said, I can't even begin to explain how dumbfounded I am that you let all your years and years of productive work slid away into nothing. Do you know why I can't explain it? It's because I'm not dumbfounded at all, you idiot. I'm actually livid.

_You stupid, stupid fool!_

_You imbecile!_

_You worthless moron!_

_You ingrate!_

How could you be so derelict with your scummy little brat all of the sudden? How could you be such a fool? How could you let all my great ideas go down the drain? Why didn't you stop the bleeding before it was too late? How could you not see that your useless patient was slowly slipping away from my clutches? How could you not see it?

I mean really, now, instead of your despicable little varmint's rotting stinking flesh on my dinner table, all I can smell is the reeking stench of the Enemy when I look at her. I'm telling you, it's enough to make me want to explode. I mean seriously, even if I couldn't smell the Enemy every time I look at your worthless patient, I'd know that He had everything to do with your recent failures. He just has this horrible way of snatching my hard work away from me, even at the last moment. I'm telling you, I'm so livid right now fireballs are shooting out of my mouth.

Of course, I'm well aware that you had lots of help when it came to your recent failings, but I'm not about to let you off. All my employees had better know that they live to please me and if they fail to do my bidding, then I'll eat them. You certainly can't blame Orp for your sudden slid, even if he couldn't keep his shy nervous patient quiet while your dispicable varmint stabbed herself down to my dinner table.

You know why you can't blame Orp for your recent troubles? Because it's never the start of a varmint's story that matters; its always about the end of their story. After all, the Enemy knows that He created the vermin from dust and He knows that they don't always know what they're doing. That's why He gives them both Himself and other vermin to help them along in their journey.

Did you realize that it's the Enemy's goal to write His own story on the heart of every varmint that He created? Oh yes, He wants their history to be His legacy, and that's what I'm up against. I mean really, your grubby patient is an empty page to Him. Her life is an open book as far as He's concerned. I mean seriously, all He wants to do is make His mark on her life. Well, guess what, you stupid fool? It's your job to see that He doesn't get to do that. After all, I'd like to make some marks on your stinking patient's flesh too—teeth marks, that is.

But, let me get back to what I was saying. I mean really, didn't you happen to notice that the Enemy Himself came to help your filthy patient and her three varmint friends that horrible night when the four of them met up? Didn't you notice that He Himself came to help them, even before they knew that they needed His help?

Surely you noticed Him, right? I mean really, how could you not know that it was Him? He makes everyone on my side shudder and I'm quite certain that all four of you miserable cretins were quaking on your talons.

But, let me tell you what makes me particularly livid about your escapade the night that the Enemy chased your varmint and her friends. I'm just livid because the Enemy has no right to be here in this country that loves me and hates Him. I mean really, how dare He barge in on my turf. Doesn't He understand that the vermin in that country don't want Him around? Who gave Him the right to feed crumbs to those vermin who like me and hate Him?

Say, do you understand the situation that your sudden incompetence has put you in now? I bet that you don't know because you're such s stupid fool, so let me tell you. None of your past awesome work matters in the slightest any more. Your great record was completely wiped out when your grimy patient met the Enemy face to face and accepted His free gift of salvation. I mean really, your filthy patient accepted His forgiveness for all of the despicably awesome things that she did when she was listening to suggestions that I told you to tell her and now He isn't going to hold those awesome things against her. I mean seriously, why should the Enemy have the right to tell your grubby patient that she can stand before Him uncondemned?

I mean really, He wiped her great record of sins clean and He told her that He has washed her as white as wool or snow.

Ah, snow. That word conjures up so many great memories for me about when my friend ruled the Enemy's chosen country and a lot of vermin lost hope of Him ever returning and fulfilling His promise to set that land free. Unfortunately, I was all too aware that He would fulfill His promise to come back and save the vermin in His camp. It just makes me gnash my teeth when something happens to remind me of that awful time. That's why I'm so irate now. Given all that's happened with your disgusting patient and her vermin companions, He has obviously fulfilled another one of His promises.

But I digress. Did you listen to the Enemy when He was talking with your dirty patient? Oh my me, you didn't listen, did you? You're too stupid to understand when He says something that is absolutely critical to your worthless varmint's survival, aren't you? Oh my me, it's just like I knew all along. You're a complete moron.

Well, since I'm so benevolent and awesome, I'll tell you what He said. Never forget that, okay? I'm in your corner. I've got your back. I'm smart enough to listen when He says something that could ruin my plans, and, let me tell you, He ruined my big plans for your patient when He talked with her and she accepted both His admonishments and His forgiveness for her past actions.

Anyway, He told your dispicable patient that His paws were velveted and that He wouldn't rip up her back again. He also absolved her of any farther guilt as to what her old slave varmint's life would be like. He said that the slave varmint's story was her own and that He wasn't going to tell your nasty patient any more about it.

See, since your filthy patient won't know the rest that slave varmint's story, she's much less likely to feel guilty about her actions as time moves on. She may even start to believe that the Enemy holds that slave varmint in His paws just like He holds her and every other varmint. I mean really, what a ridiculous joke. Seriously, why in my name would He care about a worthless wretch like your despicable patient?

I'll tell you what you should have done. I'll tell you, but I'm not at all happy about it. I mean, if you weren't so busy fooling around with your feathers, you would have easily picked up on this yourself. I know that because I've seen that your previous work was very successful. What you should have done is suggest to your dirty patient that she didn't need to obtain the Enemy's forgiveness and salvation in order to live a perfectly good life. After all, wasn't she doing just fine before He intervened with all His rules and regulations?

Oh my me, I need to correct the huge misconception that the Enemy gives salvation away for free and I need to do it fast. That, of course, is where you come in, my fine scaly idiot. You must daily remind your disgusting patient of all the horrible deeds that she has committed and of all the vermin whose lives she has undoubtedly ruined by her past actions. You must suggest to her that the Enemy couldn't possibly forgive the laundry list of sins that she has racked up, and even if He could, why would He? After all, freedom from sin and death isn't free, is it? Of course, it isn't. The Enemy must expect something in return for His sacrifice.

Seriously, the Enemy is so holier than thou that there is just no way that He would take time for your little louse. You did such a nice job on her, during her early years, that there's no way that He would touch her now. I mean really, I bet the Enemy isn't even going to give your wretched varmint a passing glance. She will undoubtedly remain dirty in His eyes for as long as she lives. How could He ever see her as one of His own?

Oh, if only that were true, but unfortunately, it's not. The Enemy is indeed, not only capable of forgiving your dirty patient—and every other scummy varmint in this world—but He is also more than willing to do just that. He absolutely loves it when one of His wayward creations comes into His camp. In fact, He and His employees cheer when something that awful happens.

But, like I've already said, that's where you come in. You must keep that nasty truth out of your ignominious patient's head.

Oh, by the way, let me make one thing clear, you stupid nitwit, I'd better not hear about you messing up again. I've seen your previous work, so I know that you can handle this parly tactic. Besides, I'm I like the Enemy, who has endless patience with His wretched sinful creation? Of course not. I'll send you an invitation to my dinner table the nanosecond that you mess up again.

Now, being that your dirty varmint is new to the Enemy's camp, she should be more malleable to your suggestions than someone who has walked with the Enemy for a long time. Although, make no mistake, I'm smart enough to fool any varmint who isn't in daily contact with the Enemy, no matter how long they claim to have been in His camp.

I'm telling you, that's the best part about being me. Watching one of the Enemy's great ambassadors fall into some snare that I've set up for them is such a delight. It just reeks havoc on that varmint's testimony about the Enemy's power and that can ruin their ability to sign up more recruits for His camp. It's rather funny, but vermin are much less forgiving towards their own kind than the Enemy is.

Do you want to know what else I find hilarious? I think it's so funny when the Enemy tells a varmint-like your nasty patient—that He has washed their sins away.

I mean really, does He really think that your soiled patient is going to forget what she's done? Does He think that just because He has moved her past sins away from her as far as the east is from the west that I can't have loads of fun by having you dredge them all up and dangle them in front of her? Seriously, you can have so much fun suggesting that your piece of trash remember what she's done, even though the Enemy says that she has been remade.

Oh yes, listen well and remember this, you worthless ingrate, you must suggest to your worthless brat that the Enemy really does care about all about the choices that she made in the past and that He's adding up the sum of her past mistakes and that, with all the problems that she's created, He wouldn't possible reach out and take hold of her. I mean really, your disgusting brat is the same little brute that she always has been. Seriously, why would the Enemy take time to remake filthy scum like her?

Don't forget, if your filthy brat remembers all of her past sins than the Enemy does too-no matter what He says? After all, He knows everything, doesn't He? Of course, He does. If He were really loving and merciful, like He claims to be, you'd think that when He wipes your scummy patient's record clean, He would also wipe away her memories of her sinful past. If your patient remembers all her dreadfully awesome past actions, doesn't it follow that the Enemy hasn't really wiped her record clean? Of course it does.

Now, the fact that your nasty patient really doesn't have a spotless record isn't the only suggestion that you should keep on her mind. After all, my side can't put all our eggs in one basket now, can we? Of course not. You must be very versatile because the Enemy always seems to have a counter punch.

Also, you must also suggest that she never forget that the Enemy gave her a raw deal. Seriously, those two older vermin, who your patient lived with when she was a very small brat, didn't care about her in the slightest, did they? They were willing to sell her off to some fabulous lusting ugly old hunchback, weren't they? Then, of course, didn't she have to travel with Schizo's patient who she, rather hilariously, thought was beneath her station? I mean really, I just cracked up when your proud self-reliant worthless varmint thought that Schizo's patient wasn't as good as she was.

But, oh my me, your soiled patient's attitude toward Schizo's patient has changed, hasn't it? Of course, it has. And do you know why that happened?

I'll bet that you don't know. Like I said before, you're too stupid to understand when the Enemy does something critical to your useless patient's survival—and by survival, I mean that His primary concern is the vermin's spiritual survival.

After all, every varmint will leave this world that they currently occupy and the Enemy is always wanting them to join Him in His Country after they've left this world. It's really a travesty when that happens.

But again, I ask, how could you, with your previously awesome ratio of suggestions to committed sins, not have seen this coming? You should have kept her mind on things below, you worthless ingrate. Then she wouldn't have so easily begun to see Schizo's varmint in the same light that the Enemy does.

Seriously, I saw you cheer with glee when the Enemy ripped your worthless patient's back to shreds and I bet that you thought that she'd never forgive Him for making her suffer, didn't you? Well, once again, I was right and you proved that you're a moron. I mean really, you stopped listening to the Enemy's conversation with your filthy brat after He hurt her so badly because you figured that she'd never forgive Him, but I was smart enough to listen in and now, because I'm just that type of Devil, I'm going to help you out and tell you what He taught her.

One of His lessons was that Schizo's patient is really the type of Male varmint that she should be close friends with. He's not like all those delightful Male varmints that do things the Enemy doesn't approve of—like worship me—that your disgusting patient hung around when she was a small brat. Well, mark my words, now that she sees Schizo's patient in a new light, they will undoubtedly cause you all kinds of trouble.

The other lesson that He taught your nasty patient is that she should treat other vermin with more love. The Enemy is especially fond of the despicable virtue called love because that is what He Himself is and if the vermin in His camp treat other vermin with love, then lots of other vermin will get to know the Enemy. I mean really, it's such a shameless recruitment tactic and I just want to explode whenever it works. Do you recall that the Enemy likes to say that vermin should treat other vermin in the way that they themselves want to be treated? He's also likes to say that the vermin should treat their neighbors like they treat themselves.

Don't you recall learning those lines in your Enemy's Quotations class at Temptation University? Don't you? _Don't you_? Oh, that's right, you never went to class, but that's why you graduated as Valedictorian.

Of course, let me make something clear, I'm not at all opposed to vermin treating other vermin well. After all, great advantage can be gained from treating someone in one's general vicinity well. Besides, who is a varmint's neighbor anyway? All that really matters is that the vermin don't start discussing the Enemy characteristics and, above all, that they don't start believing His message.

But, let me move on to another tactic that is quite effective and loads of fun. As I've already stated, your disgusting patient is new to the ranks of the Enemy's camp, so I'm sure that she must feel pretty uncomfortable around all those vermin who the Enemy has made into self-righteous punks so that they are like Him. I mean seriously, how could those other vermin, who have been long established as some of the Enemy's greatest ambassadors, even look your worthless patient in the eye? How could your filthy varmint ever think that she could be just as clean as they are? I mean really, they have a lot of nerve to even suggest that she could be on their level.

Well, the fact that your awful patient is uncomfortable around such stunning testimonies of the Enemy's great power is truly an advantage for you. You can suggest that these vermin are in the Enemy's camp because they deserve to be there.

Of course, at one point, they were all just as filthy as your own varmint, but she doesn't know that and she better not find out. All she sees is what's in front of her at this moment, so you should suggest to her that the other vermin have always been clean in the Enemy's eyes. Obviously, that's why He chose them to rule His chosen country and the southern country that He loves. They deserve it.

Also, you should suggest to your ignominious patient that the Enemy demands that the vermin in His camp be completely clean upon entry into His ranks. You must suggest that she is much too dirty to compete with the likes of those varmints around her. Of course, I'm counting on you to not be so stupid as to let your patient discover that Enemy doesn't consider His ranks to be reserved for the vermin who deserve to stand with Him-after all, He would be quite lonely if that were the case.

In fact, I'm the only one who is great enough to be in that position, but, unfortunately, the Enemy doesn't seem to care about that.

At any rate, you must keep your disgusting wretch from discovering that the Enemy's ranks are stuff full of disgusting wretched varmints, just like her. You must, at all costs, keep her from discovering that the Enemy is pleased to have her company and that she must join His ranks just as she is.

Oh sure, her life has been a hard road to walk on, and she, undoubtedly, has blisters on her feet from walking across the desert when Orp's patient needed a break from carrying her, and her heart has been broken many times recently. Well, you know what, you lousy buffoon? None of that matters to the Enemy. None of it matters whatsoever. I mean really, it's enough to make me want to scream.

He wants her to come to Him with all her heartaches and all her mistakes. He wants her to come to Him even though she's hurt and scared and falling apart. He wants to carry her burdens for her because He loves her and He wants to give her rest. Of course, He will ask her to carry His yoke but, unfortunately, His yoke is easy and light—not at all like the burdens that He wants to carry for her.

I mean seriously, I just hate to look at her now because she knows that He loves her.

But now let me caution you about a potentially significant problem and you'd better be smart enough to heed my great advice. The young Male ruler from the Enemy's chosen country, who your patient has recently made contact with, was quite possibly the worst sinner that this world has ever seen before the Enemy got a hold of him. But ever since the Enemy rescued his worthless hide, he has become a huge thorn in my side. I mean seriously, I just can't understand how the Enemy was able to look him in the eye after he made contact with my old friend, but unfortunately, He did and now that punk is quite detrimental to my plans.

Say, did you realize that those four punks who rule the Enemy's chosen country are from another world? I'll bet that you didn't because you've been working so effectively with your worthless patient-until recently, that is.

Well, the Enemy has kept those four varmints around here much longer than is to my liking. In fact, I wish they'd never come at all-given what happened after they arrived—so I really wish that they would just leave. And, of course, once they've left, I wish that they'd never come back. It's just unfortunate that the Enemy controls that and He didn't ask my opinion. I mean really, what a jerk.

But, once again, I digress. After all, you devils in the field must learn to work in hostile conditions. With my extraordinary help, you'll be able to muddle your way through the Enemy's brightness.

Anyway, what is crucial to your success is for you to see to it that your wretched patient doesn't become a close friend of that young Male ruler or any of his siblings or their friends in the southern country that the Enemy loves. It will only give you a horrible headache if those varmints start influencing her by telling their stories about how the Enemy has guided them to green pastures and quiet waters and through the valley of death and on paths of righteousness. It would also be terrible for you—and, more importantly me—if they told her that His paws and roars comfort them and that they don't fear my side because He is with them.

Seriously, don't let your grubby patient find those things out. I think I'll just explode if I start thinking about the irreparable damage that could be done to my plans for your nasty patient if she finds stuff like that out.

But, hey, all you have to do is be smart enough to suggest that your slimy varmint keep her distance those punks. Given your past accomplishments, this should be easy for you. Then again, if you fail-and given your recent performances, you undoubtedly will-I'll be seeing you at my next feast-and not, mind you, as a guest.

On the other hand, if you do fail to keep all of those self-righteous punks from the Enemy's camp from influencing your slimy patient, all is not lost. You see, it would be excellent if you could get your wretched patient to believe that she is actually just as clean as those jerks who have been long established in the Enemy's camp. Oh, what a great joke that would be.

See, if your disgusting varmint becomes close to the rulers of the Enemy''s chosen country and the southern country that He loves then they might start letting her travel to various lands to help them spread the Enemy's horrible message about His power.

Well, let's just say that if your corrupt patient went back to the land that the Enemy called her out of -then you should suggest that she commit some sin in front of her old compatriots after she's finished telling them about Him. I'm telling you, it would be great if she followed your advice, and I think it would be pretty easy for you, given your past great work and the fact that your patient might very well have a relapse when she gets around some of the vermin who knew her before she joined the Enemy camp.

Now, if you could manage to handle this parley tactic, you would undoubtedly descend to a very low level on the Lowerarchy. In fact, you might even get close to being on my level-even though I know that you're much too stupid for that. I mean seriously, one of my employees sinking low enough to join me? Don't make me laugh.

Say, do you know what vermin from the Enemy's camp who have fallen into this particular snare are called? It's a really delightful term known as a hypocrite.

I'm telling you, hypocrites are the best for my side. They wreak havoc on the Enemy's recruitment stats and, like I said before, other vermin aren't nearly as forgiving toward their own kind as the Enemy is. Best of all, lots of vermin are particularly unforgiving toward the Enemy's ranks when they mess up. I get excited just thinking about it.

Of course, you'll have to be very careful if your dirty varmint does travel abroad as an ambassador for the Enemy. She may wind up influencing some of her old compatriots to join His ranks. I worry the most about Placebo's patient joining the Enemy's side because of your disgusting patient's testimony. Placebo's patient will be extremely interested in your patient's new life and position and how it might benefit herself and I worry because the Enemy might use her own selfish desires bring her close to your disgusting patient and then introduce Himself to her.

And, yes, the Enemy does shameless things like that because He thinks that He runs this world.

Anyway, you must see to it that your filthy brat maintains her aversion toward Placebo's patient. It would be very helpful to Placebo if you could manage that.

Of course, Placebo must stand on his own talons and what do you care if he fails? At least you'd better not care. Besides, he's been doing a pretty good job with his varmint, so I'm not too worried. Then again, given your recent failings, I'm going to write to him with some helpful hints when I get the chance.

I mean really, with all these recent happenings, I'm a busy Devil. I've got lots and lots of letters to dictate to my stupid scribe and, what's worse, I have tons and tons of mistakes to correct. I just better get a good meal out of all this, do you hear me? Then again, I'm sure that you won't be able to provide your worthless patient for that meal. After all, you've become much too inept to handle her.

Do you know what that means? It means I'll be eating you, you stupid buffoon.

I mean really, don't you know how livid I am because you didn't do a better job at suggesting that your disgusting patient take Placebo's patient's suggestion to stay in the land that worships me and marry that old hunchbacked idiot that she hates so much? Seriously, you could have stopped the bleeding right then and there if you'd done a better job. I thought I'd just explode when your dirty brat rowed away in that little dingy to keep her promise to the other vermin who she was travelling with.

And don't blame your failure on Jester either. He was doing an amazing job with his own patient in that room. Why should a valuable employee like Jester waste his energy to help a moron like you? Although, granted, it would have been really fun to watch your nasty patient and Placebo's patient if Jester's patient had caught on to their presence.

Anyway, you didn't stop the bleeding and you've turned from being one of my most prized cretins into being one of the biggest imbeciles that I employ. I mean seriously, can you fathom how much I hate you because you're so worthless? I'll bet that you can't, because you're a real stupid fool.

Well, know this, you moron, because of your sudden and disappointing dereliction of duty, your patient may very well become a very significant ambassador for the Enemy in that southern country that He loves. And, do you know what else might happen? She might give birth to a little brat who turns out to be a really great ambassador for that southern country that the Enemy loves too. You have to watch for that when you tempt a Female varmint, you know. Oh, I bet you don't know; you're a really idiot after all.

Now, just one more word before I sign off: Quit fooling around, you moron, and do your job like you use to do it. I'm not about to tolerate any more shenanigans from you. I still have a craving for your patient and I'm especially furious about what the Enemy has done for her.

The Splendid, Merciless, Murderous, One and Only

Tash

(all honor and glory to me)

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes: <strong>Could you spot any lines that reminded you of Francesca Battistelli's song, "Write Your Story"? I really couldn't help but to add that in because "their story" is the very terminology that C.S. Lewis uses. And how about Tenth Avenue North's song, "You Are More" or City Harbor's "Come However You Are".

Poliomy comes from Poliomyelitis, better known as the Polio virus. It occurred to me that another world for "hindrance" could be "crippling". Polio can be physically crippling to its victims, so I thought that if Poliomy convinced Aravis that the Enemy couldn't or wouldn't forgive her for all her sins, then that would have a crippling effect on her willingness and ability to walk a life of faith.

**Bible verses**: Ex. 20:3-5a; Col. 1:15-20; John 14:6; Heb. 10:36-37; 2 Cor. 2:15-16; Luke 23:40-43; Psalm 103:14; Rom. 7:15-25a; Ecc. 4:9-12; Matt. 18:20; Rom. 5:3-8, 8:26-27; 12:15-16; Phil. 4:6-7; John 10:16; James 2:19; Matt. 15:21-28; 1 Peter 3:18-22; Isa. 1:18; Psalm 95:3-7; Matt. 6:33; 16:25-26; John 3:16-21; Eph. 2:8-10; Luke 19:10; Matt. 18:13; Luke 15:7; 10 & 32; 2 Peter 3:9; Prov. 3:3-8; 7:3-5; Psalm 103:12; Phil. 3:12-14; 1 Tim.6:19; 1 Cor. 10:13; Rom. 12:3; John 14:2-3; Phil. 4:8; Col. 3:1-17; John 13:34-35; 1 John 4:7-21; Matt.7:12, 22:39; Mark 12:31; Luke 6:31; Matt 5:46-48; Luke 10:25-37; Rom. 8:1-17; 2 Cor. 5:16-6:2; Psalm 103:8-11; Matt. 9:10-12; Mark 2:15-17; Luke 5:29-32; 7:36-50; Matt. 11:28-30; 2 Cor. 12:7b-8; Psalm 23:2-4; Luke 18:9-14; Matt. 28:18-20; Matt. 23:13-28; Luke 11:39:46; Ruth 4:18-22.


	11. Prince Corin

My Dear Lary,

Well, I'm sure happy that you got to spend some time down in that country that loves me and hates the Enemy. Believe you me, I completely understand your need, as an impressionable young idiot, to be amongst my finest employees. After all, I know that, due to where your patient lives, you hardly ever have any contact with my best demons.

Anyway, I just wanted to make it clear that I can totally appreciate your craving to perfect your craft by hanging around those demons who are far more capable than you are. In fact, I encourage lousy buffoons like you to do all you can—including making a perilous journey, hundreds of miles long, alongside loathsome agents of the Enemy—to make yourself better at what you're supposed to be doing.

I'm telling you, I'm glad that you had this experience—or I would be glad if you weren't a complete moron and blew it.

Now, please don't misunderstand my wrath. I was really happy for you when it was announced that your patient would accompany two of those hideous brutes who are part of the tetrarchy who rule the Enemy's chosen country, on their trip to the country that likes me and hates the Enemy. I mean really, I too got excited for you when that ravishing older Female ruler took a shine to Jester's patient and she invited your patient to go with her and that awful younger Male ruler. It's just too bad that those two varmints have such an Enemy-approved influence on your patient because he is much more fun to watch when he's listening to your suggestions and not those loathsome rulers from the Enemy's chosen country.

Of course, that's why I'm writing to you now; I intend to help you correct your grievous errors so that you can set your patient on a path that's more to my liking. I promise to only gently reprimand you for your utter stupidity because I know that a worthless moron like you is young and foolish and needs all the help that I can give you. You can rest assured that all the words that I breathe are useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training and you'll be thoroughly equipped to do my work if you're smart enough to listen.

The only hitch that I can see is that I know that you are too imbecilic to listen.

Well, no matter because I further promise to answer all of your moronic questions in a quiet tone. Believe me, I understand that harsh words stir up anger and it would really hurt my feelings if you got upset with me. After all, you're my employee, and I care about you.

Say, I'll bet that you were thrilled when your old pal and co-worker, Schizo and his patient showed up in your patient's room. Weren't you surprised when that happened? Of course you were. But I bet that you were hoping he would drop by, because you're an idiot. I mean really, giving what has happened since then, I mean really? If I weren't at a loss for words about this whole episode, I would definitely struggle to not tell you exactly what I think. Only the fact that I live by the rule of "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" kept me from blowing my top. Believe you me, I know how to control my tongue.

How could you want Schizo to show up to reminisce about the days when you worked closely together? Are you really that big of an fool? _Are you_? Of course you are.

Don't you remember that his patient and yours are related by blood? Oh my me, a get-together with Schizo is the absolute last thing you should have wanted. Are you really that stupid? Didn't you remember that I prefer to keep blood-relations far apart from each other? After all, that's a critical tactic for bringing some varmints down to me. Just ask Everyman-and, of course, now you can ask him, given that his patient has been reunited with your patient.

But let me reiterate, I completely understand. After all, it's not everyday that one of my nitwit employees has a chance to reminisce with a co-worker, who he has been separated from for a long time, while he's suppose to be on the job. Seriously, I completely understand your lack of focus and utter dereliction to duty for the sake of a good quality conversation.

I'm telling you, when I received word that the two of you and your patients were chatting it up, I couldn't help but think that I was hearing about two blind cretins blowing their assignment. Do you know why that is? It's because that's exactly what the message was: two of my morons were leading each other toward a pit—a pit that leads straight to my dinner table, by the way. If only your patient had befriend one of my more venerable employee's patient. You would have been much better off if that had happened. No doubt someone who is lower on my Lowerarchy could have helped you. After all, everyone-even the Enemy-knows that two are better than one.

Now, I'm sure that you're still worried about incurring my fearsome and never-ending wrath because of your completely inept performance, so let me repeat my promise: I'll only use calm gentle words when I correct your stupidity. After all, I, being the benevolent and peace-loving Devil that I am, would never lash out and tell you exactly what I think about your shoddy performance. It's just not in my nature to get angry and explode with rage when one of my stupid employees messes up on the level that you've messed up.

I mean seriously, what reason do I have to be upset? Your patient is only a member of the Enemy's camp and therefore lost to me. What could possibly make me more livid than that?

Yes, you worthless idiot, failure and my dinner table will undoubtedly be your lot because, with the way things are currently going, your patient is on his way to spending eternity with the Enemy in His own Country. Oh sure, he's an amusing little brat, what with his sharp tongue and quick fists—and too be sure, the Enemy detest those things—but, unfortunately, none of that has dissuaded Him from sheltering your patient with His paw.

Well, no matter, I'm not about to give up trying. In fact, I am going to teach you a very special tactic that will create dividends for you; it's called Hypocrisy. If all goes according to my plan—and it had better go according to my plan—then your little brat will be very effective at dissuading other vermin from joining the Enemy's camp and, of course, hypocrites make the best meals down here. Seriously, Hypocrisy is your best bet to correct all your years and years of awful performance, but I'm sure that you're too inept to enact the tactic correctly.

Seriously, I'd order you for dinner right now if your patient wasn't still completely useful to achieving my own ends, so let me explain this Hypocrisy tactic, as it pertains to your patient, in more detail. After all, that's why I'm writing, isn't it? I want to help you clean up the terrible mess that you've made.

First off, the Enemy tells the vermin in his camp to be wise in the way that they treat outsiders-and by "outsiders" He means vermin who aren't in His ranks. What He means by this is that His ranks should treat outsiders gently and forgive them when they don't behave the way that the Enemy likes. You see, that's what He Himself does, so if His varmints do that then they will be a light for the world to see Him by and salt that flavors the world with their Leader.

To put it another way, the Enemy wants his varmints to speak words that point to life and truth and words that build other vermin up, because, unfortunately, those types of words speak about the Enemy.

I, on the other hand, would be pleased if vermin spoke words that point to death and lies and words that break a varmint down. I would be so pleased if words like that are spoken by all vermin because then I would know that I'm that much closer to ruling this despicable world that the Enemy created.

I mean seriously, I can't wait to destroy the Enemy's loathsome creation by ruling it my way.

But I've digress. Let me explain what is most important to the Enemy when His ranks are talking to varmints who don't know their Leader. He wants them to be able to explain to outsiders why they treat them the way He likes. Personally, I don't understand why His ranks would treat varmints who don't like their Leader nicely. I mean, if varmints don't think along the same lines, don't that mean they should hate each other? Of course it does.

Anyway, the Enemy just loves it when His ranks explain why they treat outsiders nicely because they will inevitably mention Himself and then the Enemy can gloat. I mean really, He's so pompous that He just loves it when the vermin that He created give Him all the credit that He thinks He deserves.

Now, given all that, let's look at your patient's behavior. I must say, you did a decent job of getting your patient to enact my suggestions that he impulsively run off and fight those two varmints from the county that likes me, but like I've already mentioned, it doesn't matter because your patient is in the Enemy's camp, and, unfortunately, He is perfectly willing to forgive a snotty little brat like your patient for all the upheavals that he causes. Now really, you moron, were you expecting me to applaud when your varmint caused all that trouble?

Anyway, I just cracked up when your patient ran off and beat up those two Males from the country that likes me and hates the Enemy when they made great jokes about that hot older Female ruler that Jester's patient almost snared for himself. I'm telling you, it made me laugh because I knew that your patient had been given an opportunity to be a witness for the Enemy's character in a country that likes me and he blew it. If your little brat had been as quick to forgive those two punk varmints as he was to fight them, then he may have had a chance to win them over to the Enemy's side. That would have been a real travesty, but luckily, it didn't happen because I was on my game and told you to suggest that he should lose his cool. Now, do you suppose those two Male varmints will become a willing audience for your patient to tell them about the Enemy's great power after he beat them up and wounded their pride? Of course not.

It's really to bad that your patient only met up with a couple of street urchins. If he had beat up someone of any importance, my side could have possibly suggested that a splendid little war break out. I'm always so pleased when wars break out for petty reasons. When that happens, lots of varmints ask where the Enemy is and when they don't see that He's really there, they conclude that He's not. It's the best.

Anyway, your patient was hypocrisy at its best when he behaved recklessly and that was wonderful for my side. Hypocrisy is one of the most potent tactics that my side uses, so you should definitely keep this good thing going. The Enemy abhors hypocrites that claim to be in His camp because say that they belong to Him, but they don't follow His rulers.

Interesting enough, the Enemy Himself can't do that because He can't change His nature. He doesn't say one thing and do another, but if His ranks become hypocrites than they make their Leader out to be a liar. Now, unfortunately, He is not a liar, but how does a varmint who hasn't met Him know that? All they will see is His ranks, who claim to know Him, behaving in a way that He Himself says that He doesn't approve of. Let me tell you, that's just great.

Of course, I think hypocrites are great for another reason-they are just like me. I have no trouble saying one thing and doing another. In fact, that's what I do best. I'll do or say anything to get a square meal.

But, here's the best part. The Hypocrisy tactic will just ruin the Enemy's plans because He has called everyone in His ranks—and that supposedly includes your patient—to gather in as many varmints as they possible can for His side. He does that, mind you, because He's a total control freak and He wants all little varmints to give Him control of themselves. He wants control of them because He knows that I'm more powerful than He is and He knows that He needs to have a massive army to even have a shot at defeating me.

Mark my words, one day I'll be sitting on the Enemy's throne.

Anyway, turning your patient into a hypocrite will really make it hard for him to follow the Enemy's orders. I have to say, it's my fervent wish that lots of vermin are gullible enough to believe that if a varmint in the Enemy's camp is a hypocrite, then it follows that his Leader is too. I mean, doesn't that make perfect sense? Of course, it does.

Unfortunately, for my side, the Enemy's has advised His ranks to be wary of impostors. It's just terrible the way He orders His varmints to test the words and actions of a varmint who claims to be in His camp but says and does things that are against what He Himself says and does. Can you believe that? He doesn't want His ranks to bumble around after just anyone who claims to speak for Him. It's one of the most frustrating things that my side has been forced to deal with.

At any rate, to get back to my narrative on your recent performance, you did a good job of handling the situation with those two Males from the country that likes me and I'm perfectly willing to take credit where credit is due, but you know what else? I'm also willing to chew the hide off a worthless employee the moment that he messes up, no matter how well he'd been doing before.

That's why you'll find me exploding with rage whenever the Enemy's Spirit convicts your patient to confess his sins and receive the Enemy's forgiveness—forgiveness, by the way, that the Enemy is, unfortunately, always faithful to grant. It's enough to make me scream in frustration.

Now, along those lines, let me ask you something. How could you have been so effective with my suggestions regarding the two Males from the country that likes me more than the Enemy and then turn around and blow your opportunity when your patient met up with Schizo and Poliomy's patients in the southern country that the Enemy loves? I mean seriously, your patient was perfectly willing to give up his prestige and power as Everyman's patient's heir when Schizo's patient reappeared.

Not only that, it looks like that whenever those two varmints have disagreements and fights, they will still love each other and make up in the way that the Enemy likes. I'm telling you, it would be much better for my side if you could have coaxed your patient to resent Schizo's patient's return and be jealous of all the attention that everyone is giving to him. Instead, and again this is most unfortunate for my side, your patient loves Schizo's patient like two related Males should. It's enough to make me blow my top.

Didn't you learn in your Temptation University classes that the despicable virtue of Love covers a multitude of sins—or so the Enemy says.

You did learn that at Temptation University, didn't you? Of course, you didn't; you skipped all your classes so that you could pick fights with your classmates and make trouble for them. I know because that's the only reason that you graduated.

Now, let's look at your patient's relationship with Poliomy's patient. You know, I was looking forward to those two varmints hanging around each other. I'm telling you, they could be a lot of fun for my side if they're handled correctly. What with your patient being an impulsive big-mouth and Poliomy's patient being a stuck-up snot, I just know that I would have had fun watching them. Alas, neither you or Poliomy have gotten a good start at employing my suggestions that they should gripe and bicker amongst themselves or that your patient should humiliate Poliomy's patient for her backward, or "southern" habits. I'm telling you, I couldn't be more disappointed in your performance. It's enough to make fireballs shoot out of my mouth.

But, of course, let me reiterate my pledge to not show you my real colors. I really do intend to calmly correct your utter stupidity and grievous errors with as much tact and discretion as a Devil in my position could ever have.

I mean really, why didn't you imagine all the anger and resentment that your patient could have built up in Poliomy's patient? Are you that inept? Can't you see how easily he could tear her down because she is new to the Enemy's camp and only just learning to live by His rules. Seriously, I would be hooting with laughter if you could ever figure out how to benefit me using your patient's lack of tact and discretion, even though he claims to be in the Enemy's camp.

How could you blow such an easy assignment? How could you blow it?

You're a real lucky little devil, you know that right? I'm not at all like what I want your patient to become. I don't get all worked up and explode with rage whenever one of my little foolishly inept demons blows his assignment like you have. No, I intend to give you only the gentlest rebukes and genuinely work with you so that you'll do a better job in the future. I really care about you, you know that right?

I'll bet you didn't know that, did you? You're too big a fool to know that.

You know, I'm so pleased that your patient doesn't keep a muzzle on his mouth or his hands to himself when he's around other varmints, whether they like the Enemy or not. Even the fact that he was with some of the Enemy's best ambassadors and they were riding into battle against that country that likes me didn't stop your patient from slugging that little varmint-it's called a dwarf in the Enemy's chosen country-when they stood on the cusp of a big battle.

Now, of course, it wasn't _the _big battle against the Enemy, but every battle for any varmints soul is very important. Anyway, you did a fine job of employing my suggestion about your patient hurting that little varmint and I hope that little varmint resents your patient for his actions. That would be very helpful to my side.

You know what else? I'd also like it if that little varmint resents that younger Female ruler because she didn't bring her bottle of terrible healing liquid and that older Male ruler—who wasn't even there—for making her leave that awful stuff at home. I also wish that your patient would become afraid of the rulers from the Enemy's chosen country—whether they were on the battlefield or not—because they will undoubtedly punish him for hurting one of their best warriors. You know, Fear is a powerful tactic for my side too. If your patient is afraid of what those rulers from the Enemy's chosen country might do to punish him, then they will naturally have less influence on him. At best, this little incident could drive a wedge between the Enemy's chosen country and that southern country that He loves. That would be the very best outcome for my side-other than me ascending to the Enemy's throne at this very moment.

I mean seriously, I just can't tell you how happy I would be if your patient broke off his relationship with those four varmints from another world who rule the Enemy's chosen country. Alas, with your inept work, I don't see that happening.

You know, keeping His ranks in one accord is one reason why the Enemy is so insistent that His followers use the despicable virtue called Love. He has it in His head that Love drives out Fear and, obviously, that makes things difficult for my side. But isn't that just like the Enemy?

Well anyway, you just can't underestimate how pleased I am that the younger Female ruler didn't bring that detestable liquid to heal that little varmint who your patient hurt on the cusp of battle. I'm telling you, that stuff is as good as the Enemy's own touch when it comes to healing wounds. It's enough to make me shutter—something that I do regularly when I'm thinking about how the Enemy works.

Then again, what good is any of it? Your patient became humble and asked that little varmint to forgive him and that little varmint did forgive him because they're both in the Enemy's camp and that's what the Enemy likes. Now, most awfully, their forgiveness of each other will, unfortunately, please the Enemy and I'm sure that He's forgiven your patient too.

That is the most unfortunate thing about tempting vermin who have joined the Enemy's ranks; no matter how many times they fall for my great suggestions, He has made it His business to clean them up so that He can present them to Himself without even one blemish.

You must understand, the Enemy is so deadly serious about this business of collecting all varmints to Himself that He was willing to take their place in death—which is, of course, the natural penalty for unfaithfulness to Him. I'm telling you, there is just no greater expression of the disgusting virtue of Love than dying for someone else.

Unfortunately, because of your shoddy work, no matter how many times your patient falls for a suggestion that I told you to give him, he is really very earnestly trying to become like what the Enemy likes and the Enemy isn't going to ignore that. Yes, that's right, you worthless fiend, unfortunately for you—and more importantly, me—the Enemy will not only forgive your little brat despite his reckless behavior, but He will also help him to better determine when he should speak out and when he should shut up.

There is a time for both of those things, you know, and, given that it's something the Enemy says, I'm positive that it will somehow hurt my side. It's completely like the Enemy to say things that impedes my side, you know. He thinks that He's such a big shot, but He's nothing but a power-hungry maniac.

Well, let me tell you what, one of these days it will be the Enemy's turn to leave. Undoubtedly, the tables will somehow turn and He will have to leave at sound of my great name.

I'm telling you, one day I'll have what I deserve—the Enemy's throne.

But, I digress. Do you want to know something else that I'm relieved about? I'm relieved that the beautiful older Female ruler didn't come to the battlefield with the younger ones. I'm telling you, not only does that older Female have a ravishingly beautiful body, but she's also a deadly archer. She would have caused quite a distraction on the battlefield and I'm sure that the Males who like me more than the Enemy couldn't handle looking at such carnal beauty and fighting at the same time. In all probability, they'd be so taken in by her gorgeous body that they'd become really stupid and she'd have a chance to pick them off with her bow and arrows.

That's one of the awful paradoxes that I face when pitting the Enemy's agents against vermin who like me. The Enemy's agents often have all sorts of disgusting virtues like love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control to help them. On the other hand, the vermin who like me can be filled up with great vices like breeding immorality, impurity, debauchery, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and other great things that are along those same lines.

In other words, vermin who like me aren't likely to restrain themselves even when it's important too because they don't practice restraining themselves on a daily basis. Oh sure, they claim that they can get their act together on a moment's notice, but that one of the best jokes that my side tells.

Well, anyway, the main reason that I'm glad that the gorgeous older Female ruler stayed home is because she has a really powerful weapon in her arsenal. And, yes, this weapon is far superior to any other weapon on the battlefield. Do you know what that weapon is? It's that dreadful Horn that she's forever carrying around.

I'm telling you, that Horn of hers is terrible for my side; if she blows it, anything could happen and you can bet that whatever happens, it will be bad for my side. After all, that despicable Horn gives that beautiful older Female ruler direct contact with the Enemy. When she blows it, He will send help no matter where she is or when she calls. There isn't even one moment in which He says that it's too late or too early for her to call on Him. I'm telling you, that's just like the Enemy. He's such a control freak that He doesn't want any of the varmints in His camp to do anything without asking His advice. It's pathetic.

If it were up to me, I'd hide that Horn so that no one could ever find it, especially no one after that stunning older Female ruler is gone from this world—and I wish that she would leave really soon.

Of course, as it pertains to your patient, I'm also glad that the she didn't come to the battlefield because, of all the rulers from the Enemy's chosen country, she has the most influence on him-and unfortunately, it's the kind of influence that the Enemy likes. I mean really, your patient isn't nearly as much fun when that alluring older Female is around. She has spread her faith in the Enemy to your patient and, of course, that's a serious problem for you—and, more importantly, me.

Yes, it's completely unfortunate that despite your patient being so easily tempted by such a small but powerful thing—that's his tongue—you haven't been able to benefit from it. You just can't underestimate my fury about you being too inept to use such a glorious instrument like a varmint's tongue to secure his soul for my side. Can't you understand that whatever words come off a varmint's tongue, they had been born in that varmint's heart? Don't you get that a varmint's tongue is like a bit for a horse or a rudder for a ship? Even though it's very small, a varmint's tongue controls all of him.

Now really, why didn't you take notes from the fine example that Jester made of his patient? Now there is some fine workmanship for my side. Jester's varmint has the kind of mouth that a Devil like me dreams about on a daily basis. It was just awesome to watch that varmint stand in front of the Enemy Himself and tell Him exactly how things should be-that is, that I would one day defeat Him. Oh, it was music to my ears.

Anyway, let me ask you again, why didn't you take notes on Jester's performance? I mean, your patient was right there and even ran his mouth a little before, unfortunately, Everyman's patient told him that it was time to shut up. Oh my me, why didn't you take notes? If that doesn't prove that I've been dealt a bad hand, then I don't know what does. I swear, the Enemy always has a way of making wonderful situations turn out horribly for my side.

I'll use a recent event as an example of this awful phenomenon. After Jester's patient cursed the Enemy's name to His face, the Enemy went and turned him into a ridiculous beast of burden and made him a laughingstock in front of His ranks. I'm telling you, you just can't expect anything different from a power-hungry Ruler like the Enemy. He just won't allow any glorification of anyone but Himself. Just remember, the Enemy is a real jerk.

At least the Enemy hasn't ruined everything. Jester's patient is still on a path that will lead him straight to my dinner table and I'm sure that Jester will be able to deliver the goods; he's not an inept moron like you. I mean really, even the fact that the Enemy offered Jester's patient mercy, even as He carried out justice, didn't stop that varmint from following my suggestion that he should seethe with rage and think that the Enemy is as unjust as my side already knows. I'm just disappointed that the Enemy intervened at all; if He hadn't stepped in then maybe someone who was thinking about joining His ranks would have been turned off by His unwillingness to step in on behalf of Himself.

Of course, it's just like the Enemy to intervene on His own behalf; after all, He has this awful quote that says that vengeance will be His. He says that He will repay all the wrongs that vermin who don't like Him do to His ranks. That's why He like His ranks to love other varmints and treat them kindly; it's not their responsibility to seek retribution for wrongs committed against them or their loved ones. But, it's awfully fun when they do.

Anyway, you can be sure that I'll write to Jester and take the credit that I'm due because his patient is coming along toward my dinner table quite nicely. Of course, I need to finish writing lots of other letters first because I definitely live by the philosophy of work before pleasure. Believe you me, it's hard work to keep all you morons in line, but writing to Jester will be a pleasure.

You know, along those lines, I don't know why I'm bothering to write to a idiot like you. I mean really, if you're too stupid to take notes on the performance of a fine demon like Jester-who has handled his assignment in a manner that is far superior to your own work-why should I expect you to listen to me? Of sure, I promised that I'd be nice and consul you gently and make you fit to be my employee, but why should I? Really, I want an answer, why should I waste my time on a fool like you? Let me tell you, it doesn't make sense for me to reach up so high—and you know I hate heights—if my advice isn't going to benefit myself anyway. After all, you're too stupid to do anything but helplessly watch as your patient learns to become more like the Enemy each and every day. I mean really, I would explode with rage if I hadn't pledged to treat you with the utmost civility and tact and since I always keep my word, please let me know if I can be of further assistance. I care about you so much that I can't imagine not helping you to do the best job that you're capable of doing—which isn't saying much.

The Splendid, Merciless, Murderous, One and Only

Tash

(all honor and glory to me)

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes<strong>: I missed a character way back in the "in between the books" section where King Gale and Queen Swanwhite reside. It wasn't as accidental miss; I'd originally skipped over him because I couldn't think of a good temptation, but now I have. "**The Lost File**" will be on Moonwood the Hare.

To read more about Susan's Horn, read her chapter in "**Screwtape on the Pevensies**".

On another note, **Snowy the Sane Fangirl **as made a song inspired by my Prince Cor chapter, entitled "**Shasta, Did You Know**". I'll post the link on my profile page. Listen if you care to and tell her what you think.

Lary is named for Laryngitis because it's the ultimate sore throat-something you get when you talk too much. I often wonder just exactly how old Cor and Corin are and I've come to the conclusion that they'd probably be tweens or young teens; both of which is plenty old enough for a young royal to learn to not be impulsive in word and deed. Of course, we all laugh at Corin because, quite frankly, he says and does things that we all would like to say and do. Really, who doesn't want to box Rabadash at the end of The Horse and His Boy?

I also think we laugh at Corin because he's "just a child" but as I already mentioned, is he really all that young? On top of that, even if he's as young as ten, that would mean that he's had a whole decade of training on how to behave. He's a royal child so he's been in the public eye from day one and I have to assume that King Lune has taught him from day one what it means to live and serve in the limelight of royalty. Can you imagine the headlines if Prince Corin were a real person?

The books says that Corin was able to kill a Calormen in the battle for Anvard, so he'd obviously had some lessons in weaponry. In fact, if he's a tween or young teen, he's might be at a squire's level of training on the way to becoming a knight. But, knights weren't simply trained to fight wars; lessons in etiquette came first. If Corin could fight well enough to kill an enemy warrior, then surely he knows when to be quiet and keep his hands to himself. Has anyone ever wondered if Corin flunked his etiquette test?

Now, along those same lines, even if we aren't royals, aren't people watching us from day one? Siblings (older and younger), cousins. And as we get older, friends, co-workers, new family members. ect.

To paraphrase one of my favorite football player's quotes around Corin, "He is a role model, he's just a bad one."

Now, here's a question, did you pick out the places based on the lyrics to the songs "Words" by Hawk Nelson or "Your Great Name" by Natalie Grant?

**Bible verses**: 2 Tim. 3:16-17; Prov. 15:1; Luke 6:39; Ecc. 4:9; Psalm 27:5; Matt. 5:13-16; 1 Peter 3:15; 2 Tim. 2:13; Heb. 13:8; James 1:17; Matt. 28:18-20; Acts 17:11; Rom. 8:26; 1 John 1:9; Matt. 18:15-17; Luke 15:25-28a; Rom. 12:10; Prov. 10:12; 1 Peter 4:8; Psalm 39:1; Prov. 21:23; 1 John 4:18; James 2:19; Matt. 18:18; Col.3:13; Eph. 5:27; John 3:16-18; 15:13; Ecc. 3:7b; Gal. 5:22-23; 19-21; Psalm 50:15; 121:4; 2 Tim. 1:5; James 1:14; 3:3-6; Deut. 32:35: Rom.12:17-21


	12. Bree

My Dear Nyct,

It has come to my attention—though various unmentionable sources—that you've begun to question my great power and authority in the Enemy's shabby world. _Really_? How could you be so stupid?

I mean, haven't you been working in that country that likes me more than the Enemy ever since I told you to suggest that your patient should disobey that varmint who gave birth to him? Well, look at how that suggestion turned out? Your patient got sold off as a slave, didn't He? Of course, he did. That alone should be proof of my great effectiveness. Without me, you'd be probably be languishing in the Enemy's chosen country while your patient leaned more and more about Him. That would be awful, wouldn't it? Of course, it would.

Now, don't get me wrong, I completely understand that you were a young, rash, and, of course, really stupid little cretin when you were sent off into the field just after your graduation from Temptation University, but how could you ever question my greatness? Who signed your diploma? Who gave you an assignment in the field instead of sending you straight to my dinner table? Who fed you all those awesome suggestions so that I could eventually eat your patient instead of eating you?

I mean really, how could you doubt that I'm as powerful as I say I am? Don't you know that I hold your measly existence in my talons? Just because your patient has recently joined the Enemy's ranks, it doesn't mean that I'm not in control of the situation. It just means that you're completely worthless.

Now let me reiterate, until recently, I thought you were doing a fair job of enacting the suggestions that I told you to use on your patient. You did, after all, keep the Enemy's identity to a foggy minimum in his mind, even though He showed up quite regularly on this journey that you couldn't stop your patient from taking.

I'm telling you, I couldn't help but worry about how you would handle His continual presence in the background of your patient's story. You're such a bumbling idiot that I was sure that you'd mess up. The only thing that kept fireballs from exploding from my mouth was that I knew you are a smart little demon so I figured that you'd be able to think on the run.

Oh well, I guess I was right. You're a stupid idiot.

I mean really, can you imagine how things shook down here when I exploded with rage after the Enemy revealed Himself to your patient and spoke to him in the fur? _Can you imagine it_? _Can you_?

Well anyway, back to what I was saying. I'm going to pause right here and take credit where credit is due. My suggestion that you give the Enemy a nice grandiose, but really very vague, image in your patient's mind was an excellent one, wasn't it? No one but me could have dreamed up those suggestions to keep a varmint so blind to Enemy's presence and motives. It's just unfortunate that you had to ruin all my hard work by not administering my suggestions correctly.

Didn't you know that vermin always find what they truly seek? If you had suggested that your patient worry more about whether rolling on the grass was acceptable in the Enemy's chosen country or his silly idea that he was the fastest, bravest, smartest thing around, then he wouldn't have mentioned the Enemy as much as he did and, with any luck, He would not have shown Himself to your patient.

Oh, if only your patient still had his previously foggy notion about who the Enemy is and how He behaves. Vermin who don't understand who the Enemy is and how He works tend to attach their own expectations and desires to Him and then, when He doesn't perform, it's pretty easy to encourage them to think that He doesn't care about them.

Then, of course, you can follow up that suggestion with another one: that is that they shouldn't waste their valuable time in the camp of such an uncaring Leader.

I mean really, I can't tell you how satisfying my work is when a varmint stops following Him because He didn't do just exactly what they want, when they want, and how they want. Always remember, it's very easy to get them to forget that He knows far more than they do and that He is untame.

I'm telling you, it's not me who has lost influence over your patient. It's you. You wasted all my well-timed and awesome suggestions and now, unfortunately, the Enemy has revealed Himself to your patient and his crude travelling companions. That's the real problem here. It's not me. It's you. It's your worthless colleagues. It's the Enemy.

I mean really, it's always and forever, the Enemy. I have the hardest time whenever He intervenes.

Oh my me, I would prefer to return to the days when, not so long ago, your patient was delightfully talking about the Enemy in great high-minded terms, but really had no idea about who He says He is, what He has done against me, and what He claims will happen in the future.

You know, I always enjoyed hearing your patient talk about himself and his idea that he was destined for greatness because of how he looked and what he had achieved in comparison to those dumb equines that live in that country that likes me and hates the Enemy. I mean really, I always enjoy it when vermin compare apples and oranges, so to speak, which is what your patient does when he compares himself with the dumb equines.

Now, how do you suppose I going to show off how awesome I am when you keep making mistakes that throws all my hard work out the window? Don't you get it? This is all your fault.

Why, I'm beginning to suspect that you have a foggy memory of all the lessons that you learned at Temptation University. I think that you've fallen into the same trap that you've so effectively ensnared you're patient with—until recently, that is.

Now, don't get me wrong, your patient's vague impression of the Enemy is a very pleasing thing to me, but I expect you to have a clear-eyed lucid knowledge of both me-your employer—and the Enemy.

After all, how will you help me defeat Him if you don't know Him?

But, I digress. Let me get back to your very inadequate recent performance. What with all the great demons who work in the land that likes me more than the Enemy, how could you be so stupid as to be travelling with three of my biggest imbeciles?

Why weren't you more careful with your patient's thoughts when he was weighing the pros and cons of revealing his true identity to Schizo's patient? How is it that he came to believe that any risks that he might take-and believe you me, there were tremendous risks for him-was worth the reward that he thought awaited him in the Enemy's chosen country?

How is it that you were unable to convince him to be more afraid of the repercussions of failure than the rewards of success? Did I not tell you to suggest that Schizo's patient might reveal your patient's true identity to that marvelous Male who owned your patient until he ran away? With any luck, that suggestion would have kept your patient from speaking up. Undoubtedly, my table would have something on it if that great Male still owned your patient.

And what about Schizo's patient not being skilled in the art of riding equines? Surely a smart little idiot like you can see what sort of liability your patient would have if he was seen with a little whelp of Schizo's patient's caliber—or at least the caliber that he thought he had before Schizo ruined his assignment. Anyway, why didn't you suggest that your patient's plans would be ruined if someone found him with that little brat?

And what about when your patient heard Orp's patient talk? Wouldn't it have been simply for you to suggest that he was hearing things? Wasn't he running in terror and out of breath? Of course, he was. So how could he have been lucid enough to hear correctly? I mean really, these simple suggestions could have prevented your patient from hooking up with those loathsome vermin that he traveled with and then he wouldn't have met those awful vermin from the southern country that the Enemy loves or those terrible vermin who came from another world and now rule His chosen country.

Of course, the fact that your patient ran from the Enemy every time He was around until recently might be slightly amusing if He hadn't been so bent on pursuing a relationship with your varmint and those vermin that he was traveling with.

Oh my me, it's His pursuit of the vermin that is the most terrible thing. Now that they know His claims to loves them and that He claims to have plans for them, your job will be that much harder and my table will likely be that much barer.

But let me get back to those vermin who your patient met along his journey. They are part of the problem that I have with your shoddy recent performance. Don't you know that snobby punks like your patient are more likely to change their ways if other vermin call them out? I saw that happen several times while your patient travelled back to the Enemy's chosen country and, now that he has completed his journey, this calling out business will, unfortunately, happen again and again because he will live among other vermin from the Enemy's camp.

This sort of peer pressure is very harmful for my side, so you're really going to have to stay on your talons. Don't you remember the disadvantages that come to my side when a varmint is coerced by vermin in the Enemy's camp? Oh yes, that's right, you were skipping class the day your Human Relations class went over that lesson.

Oh my me, if only the vermin in the Enemy's camp would just learn to live and let live? That would be so much better for me.

I'm telling you, if this doesn't reek of the Enemy's doing, then I'm completely blind. After all, hasn't He showed up multiple times during this terrible little episode?

So, let me ask you, what shall I do with you? By all rights, I should haul you out of the field and prepare you as tonight's main course, but I'm a forgiving Devil so that's not the way that I'll handle this unfortunate circumstance. After all, a smart little cretin like you should be able to clean this mess up.

I mean, be reassured, your patient only just met the Enemy so he may still be easily persuaded to follow my wider, slippery slope.

Here are some suggestions that I want you to whisper in his ear.

First, I would like it if your patient were to get paranoid about how the other Talking Equines in the Enemy's chosen country feel about him. You should whisper in his ear that they don't actually roll around on their backs and only allow him to do so because they pity him or because they think that he is not very intelligent because he lived among dumb equines for so long.

I'm telling you, that suggestion will drive your self-righteous arrogant patient nuts. I'm just positive that he would hate the idea that the other vermin are only tolerating his uncouth behavior or simply flattering him because they pity him for one reason or another.

And, of course, while it is still possible, before your patient's tail grows thick again, you must use his rough unsavory appearance to suggest that his new found relations think that he must have been used in less fashionable way than being a war Equine. Wouldn't it be funny if he thought that they thought he'd been used as a plow Equine?

With any luck, these suggestions will keep your patient preoccupied and bitter and he'll forget all about the Enemy's quotes about not worrying.

Unfortunately though, any Talking vermin in the Enemy's chosen country will likely be just as shocked that your patient was enslaved as a war Equine as to think that he was forced to do any other type of labor in that country that likes me more than the Enemy. They have, unfortunately, since the very first day of this terrible world, lived under the Enemy's covenant, which proclaims that they are free.

This is a very serious problem for you because all those varmints will, undoubtedly, be very keen to tell your patient that he is an heir to that same covenant and thus he may partake in its blessings even when things seem to be going better for my side.

That being said, you must be very careful to watch out for this and, when it occurs, have a suggestion ready. The suggestion that I think would be most effective for you to use would be that your patient's previous attitudes and lifestyle preclude him from sharing in this long standing covenant.

I mean really, why in the world would the Enemy include your disobedient arrogant patient in his ranks? Why should He? Didn't your patient choose to leave in the first place? Oh course, he did. So you, in turn, must be very diligent and persistent to make sure that your patient keeps his mind on things that hinder his maturation in the Enemy's camp.

But, ah, unfortunately, that is just what the Enemy is in the business of doing: saving worthless vermin from me. Need I remind you of that hideous thing that happened not all that long ago? I really hope that I don't need to remind you about what the Enemy did to save His awful world from my side.

I mean really, I'm just so sick of reminding my inept employees about what He did, why He did it, and the implications of His actions forever after. Seriously, you should have learned about what He did just a few years before your patient was born and you were assigned to him.

Didn't you get the emergency memo that I sent out during your senior year at Temptation University? _Didn't you get it_? Oh yes, I remember, you tossed your memo into the fire and brimstone in the lobby of your dormitory because you thought you were such hot stuff that you didn't need any advice anymore.

Now that's the type of conceited pride that I can really appreciate in my graduates, but haven't I proven you wrong? See there, I have all the smarts and power down here.

And since I see that you are still too arrogant and stupid to take my advice, why should I waste my time writing to you now? I mean really, I'm sure that you're just going to just toss this letter out like the last one. I'm telling you, woe is me who has such terrible employees who don't give me all the credit that I deserve. I'm sure that, once I'm sitting on the Enemy's throne, I'll have everything I want.

But, of course, since I'm such a kind and forgiving Devil—and also on the off chance that you've come around to recognizing my overwhelming power and authority—I just want you to know that I have your back.

I'm sure that your assignment will be much harder for you now that your patient has seen the Enemy in the fur so don't be the moron that I know you are and write to me if you have any questions. I'm still full of awe-inspiring advice, especially for stupid little goons like you.

The Splendid, Merciless, Murderous, One and Only,

Tash

(all honor and glory to me)

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note<strong>: It's good to be back at these Tash Files. If you like, please read Tash's letter on Moonwood the Hare, entitled The Lost File, which was one of the chapters I wrote while I was away from this story.

Nyct is named Nyctaeus, a mythological horse who draws Hades chariot. In the story, The Rape of Proserpine, he is described as the proud glory of Hell's steeds, which is said to be the best discription of him. I thought it fit a bad manifestation of Bree perfectly.

On another note about Nyctaeus, I'd like you to remember his teammate, Aethon, who I named Fledge's demon after. I wanted to draw a connection between Fledge and Bree in this chapter and having a connection between their demons helps accentuates that. If you would like, please reread Fledge's chapter to find the covenant that I mentioned in this chapter. In drawing this connection between two characters who live at least a Narnian millennia apart, I hope to add more fluidity to the Tash Files.

**Bible verses**: Matt. 7:7-8: Job: 3:1-26; 6:1-4, 38:1-41:34; Isa. 55:8-11; 1 Cor. 2:9; John 1:1-4,14; Phil. 2:6-11; Col. 2:9-15; Isa. 53:4:12; John 3:14-18; Matt. 28:18-20; John 14:2-3, 16-18; Rom. 8:31-39, 12:3-8; 1 Cor. 4:7; Phil. 2:3-5; 1 John 4:10-11, 19; Jere. 29: 11; Eph: 2:4-10; Prov. 13:20, 27:6; Ecc. 4:9-12; Matt. 7:13-14, 13:7, 22; Mark 4:7,18-19; Luke 8:7,14; Matt: 6:25-34; Phil. 4:6-7; Acts 3:25; Rom. 5:1-5, 8:12-17; Gal. 4:22-23, 28, 31-5:1; Eph. 2:12-13; James 1:2-4; 1 Peter 3:14; Luke 15:11-32; Heb.12:1-3: Rom. 5:8-11


	13. Hwin

My Dear Orp,

Silence is a wonderful thing, isn't it? I mean, I could go on and on about the benefits that silence holds for my side. When there is silence the Enemy's ranks usually aren't adding to their already infuriatingly high numbers. Silence also means that His ranks aren't using His quotes to teach, rebuke, correct, or train new enlistees into His camp. When there is silence, the vermin aren't trying to call on Him to help them out of some jam that they've gotten into. When there is silence, they aren't thanking Him for some blessing that He has supposedly bestowed on them. Best of all, silence tends to mean that the vermin aren't asking Him to pardon them and clean them up after they've followed one of my suggestions.

Don't you see why silence is so great? I mean, even the Enemy acknowledges the importance of silence.

So, why then, don't you recognize its value? Why don't you adhere to the lessons that your esteemed professors tried to teach you at Temptation University? How come my unmentionable employees, who watch out for indiscretions committed by my agents in the field, always write to me about how you can't seem to keep your trap shut? How many times do I need to remind you that the lessons you learned in your Value of Silence class are very important and useful? Why can't you understand this very basic tenet?

Now, don't you go and try to deny that you haven't learned the value of silence. You should know very well that if you hadn't been running your peak, I wouldn't have recently heard your patient's voice at some very inopportune moments.

That's right, you pitless idiot, I know all about the times when you got absorbed in a conversation with some colleague or interested in something else and totally forgot to mind your patient. I know all about each and every one of your indiscretions because each time you focused on something else, your cowardly patient, found the courage to use her voice and bad things started happening for my side.

Of course, don't get me wrong, your patient was silent for a good many years and that was quite a productive time for my side.

Naturally, I'm quite willing to take credit for all that productivity. Surely you weren't thinking that I'd give you credit for my good luck, were you? What, after all, have you been doing all this time anyway? Oh yes, that's right, you just gabbed away the time with your moronic colleague Poliomy and now your patient has slipped away and joined the Enemy's camp.

But, let me back up a bit to recount your patient's story. As I recall. she took the suggestion that I told you to give her and travelled away from the Enemy's chosen country where she was sold into slavery shortly thereafter. Well, how did that turned out? Your patient lost her voice, didn't she? Of course, she did.

What a fortunate day that was. The only thing that mars that day for me is your recent work. I'm telling you, you'll certainly pay for your stupidity and lack of focus.

Well anyway, after your patient was sold into slavery, things went well enough for many years. Your patient ended up being owned by Poliomy's filthy brat and she learned to obey without question whatever whim was on the mind of her Human varmint owner. Oh, what a productive little beast of burden she was. No matter what happened, she didn't have a word to say.

Not that anyone would ask for the opinion of a slave anyway, right? Of course not.

Now, tell me, doesn't the Enemy Himself acknowledge the importance of passivity? Doesn't He say that the vermin in His camp should turn the other cheek whenever they get pushed around or railroaded? Doesn't He say that unassertive vermin will inherit His creation? Of course, He does.

This is a tenet of His that I find very useful because, obviously, we both have our own agenda when it comes to how Meekness is implemented, but I see no reason for your patient to understand that.

But let me get back to your performance.

I'm telling you, it was enough to make me explode with rage when I heard your patient's voice for the first time since she was enslaved. She has the most terrible voice, you know, but what's far worse is the message that she delivered. First off, she told Poliomy's dirty varmint to not kill herself-and thereby cost me a meal. Next, she invited her vile master to come live in the Enemy's chosen country and enjoy it's benefits with her.

I'm telling you, I can't believe you let that happen.

You know, it's such a pity that silence can never be just silence, so naturally I've been very concerned about your patient's soul for as long as she has been enslaved. The Enemy has a despicable way of speaking even if there is silence. In fact, He often talks to Himself about what the vermin need, even when they don't know what they need or how to ask for it. It's a very frustrating thing for my side because He often tells the vermin to be still and wait for His whispering voice while He Himself is chatting away about them. I'm telling you, the Enemy is a three-faced jerk.

At any rate, you must also be careful because the Enemy says that if His ranks are silent, nature itself will shout His name and, of course, that's very bad for my side. I should know too; I remember the stars and sun praising His name while He was singing them into existence on the first day of this horrible world.

It was ghastly.

But, I've digressed again, haven't I? I admit, I do that a lot. I'm just so knowledgeable and irrepressible that I can't help myself. I have a compulsive need to help my worthless employees get out of the jams that you find yourselves in. In fact, I'm doing that right now, aren't I? Of course, I am.

I'm telling you, if you had any inkling about the importance of silence, your patient would not have spoken up and stopped Poliomy's patient from coming down to my dinner table of her own accord. I bet you just can't imagine all the letters that Poliomy has written to me, blaming you for his recent failure. My mailbox is full and my inbox is full and I don't want to throw away any of his letters or delete any of his emails because I want to have a record of all his mistakes so that I can read them aloud before I tear his worthless hide to bits.

I also want a record of your mistakes and his mail details them even better than my unmentionable helpers who keep track of my employees' fieldwork.

Now, before I go on, I want to warn you about making excuses. After all, even the Enemy acknowledges that a fool can appear wise if they keep their traps shut.

At any rate, the day that your patient spoke to Poliomy's patient was terrible for your record-and more importantly the fullness of my dinner table.

Tell me, why didn't you suggest that Poliomy's patient would take advantage of your patient if she knew that she could talk. Can you just imagine what sort of spectacle Poliomy's patient might have turned your patient into? Undoubtedly, if you'd been on your talons, that suggestion would have stayed your varmint's tongue. After all, wasn't your patient interested in returning to the Enemy's chosen country? Of course, she was. So, doesn't it make sense that any action that could lead to failure should not be taken? Of course, it does. Why would a varmint risk failure if success is their goal?

Does that make sense to you? It doesn't make sense to me. Of course, I'm not familiar with failure, so I really can't say. All I know is a good many of my employees have felt the sharp stab of my teeth after they have failed.

Now, sure, I completely understand that you didn't have much time to prepare for what Poliomy's patient tried to do, and I bet you're thinking that it's your colleague's fault for not keeping you informed. Believe me, I totally understand your feeling of betrayal when it comes to him not letting you know that his patient was thinking about doing herself in, but do you think that excuse will hold my wrath at bay? Certainly not.

After all, didn't your patient speak to Poliomy's patient at least twice before that filthy varmint understood that it was her Equine slave who had spoken to her? Well, doesn't that mean that you had a bit of a mulligan—or do over—as Human vermin sometimes say? I'm telling you, if that doesn't make you a lucky little devil, then I don't know what does. It's just a travesty that you were too inept to take advantage of it.

And what about your patient and Poliomy's patient's combined lack of worldly experience? I mean really, two Female varmints venturing off into the great unknown together? What a great joke that should have been. What with the particular culture that is in the country that likes me more than the Enemy, they should have been sitting ducks for capture. If the suggestion that Poliomy's patient might turn your patient into a spectacle didn't work, a timely suggestion about getting caught and separated by thieves or some other varmint should have kept your patient quiet.

It's such a shame that you couldn't persuade your careful nervous patient that she didn't have what it takes to return to the Enemy's chosen country. If you'd nipped this problem in the bud right away, you wouldn't have had to concern yourself with travelling alongside your nitwit colleagues, Nyct and Schizo. I mean, Poliomy is stupid enough, but did you really have to travel with those two other imbecilic colleagues? I'm telling you, just about any other colleague who works in the country that likes me and hates the Enemy would have been better than them.

Oh my me, just thinking about your mistakes makes me want a nice hot drink of sulfur water with lots of brimstone chunks.

But, yet again, I digress. Just mentioning you worthless colleague Nyct makes my blood boil. I'm telling you, I don't know if I've ever been angrier than I was the night that your patient met up with his much more self-assured patient. Just think about how your patient changed after she came under that varmint's influence? Unfortunately, she started to see herself as something more than just a silent slave and, naturally, that was very bad for my side.

Now, I just have to stop right here and reassure you that I understand that this whole episode is not completely your fault. I know that the Enemy's interference played a significant role in your sudden downfall, but again, what do I care? I'd much rather focus on your failings and thereby, with any luck, teach you to beat your patient down by suggesting that she remember all the times that she failed too.

Misery, after all, wants company, does it not? Of course, it does.

I'm telling you, you should have felt my country rumble when I heard your patient talk about how fatigued she was and Nyct's patient heard her speak. In fact, I think I can still see the smoke rising after the fireball exploded from my mouth.

Are you really so worthless as to not avoid your patient speaking up again? Surely she could tell by the sound of Nyct's patient's hoof beats that he was no ordinary ole plug. Surely she knew that he was a war Equine of very high monetary value. And since it was the dead of night, she wouldn't have seen Schizo's patient. How easy would it have been for you to suggest that Nyct's patient was carrying one of those great Male varmints who lives in the land that likes me and hates the Enemy?

Wouldn't that suggestion have stayed your patient's tongue if it was properly administered? Of course, it would have. As I said before, the possibility of failure must always negate the chance of success. Don't you remember learning that lesson in your Ratios class at Temptation University? The ratio of failures to successes always favors failure. I mean, it just boggles my mind how the Enemy can convince a varmint to try something again and again when failure is all but guaranteed.

But let me get back to that horrid little foursome that your patient was a part of? Aren't they still close so-called friends? Of course, they are. Don't you know that these Enemy-approved relationships make things much harder for my side? Why then did you let this happen?

On the other hand, don't worry. All is not lost and I'm right here to guide you through this hole that you dug for yourself. You're so special that I'm sure, with my awesome knowledge, I'll have things back under control quickly.

At any rate, yes, the vermin in the Enemy's camp tend to watch out for one another and encourage each other to obey the His rules but, in your case, you could ask your colleagues to suggest that their patients railroad your timid patient and put down her ideas. It should be very easy for their patients' to take advantage of yours because your varmint has been in the habit of not standing up for herself, even when she is justified to do so.

Go ahead, ask Poliomy for help. Ask him. I dare you. I bet he'll jump at the chance, seeing as how your recent performance played a big part in his recent failures.

Of course, isn't it unfortunate that your varmint's confidence in herself grew as that wretched little foursome traveled? Didn't she become braver and braver with each day? Wasn't it your patient's idea to make herself and Nyct's patient look like tired old plugs while they and the Human vermin traveled through that capitol city that is named for me? Wasn't her bravery reaffirmed by the Human vermin, even when Nyct's snobby patient put her idea down?

That's the trouble with Enemy-approved so-called friends. Reaffirmation of a vermin's worth is a powerful tool that the Enemy uses against me.

And, of course, the most terrible thing that your patient's newfound confidence led her to do was to be the first to submit to the Enemy after He visited them in the fur.

Oh my me, this whole episode wouldn't have happened, and if you had any intelligence at all it wouldn't have. Mark my words, you worthless buffoon, you'll pay dearly for your costly mistakes. I mean really, my beak still hurts from that gigantic fireball that came out of my mouth when your patient trotted up to the Enemy.

You see, the very reason that I wanted your patient sold into slavery is because she, like all worthless varmints that the Enemy creates, is a part of His plan. While she was enslaved, she couldn't effectively work for Him because she was silenced. But now you've gone and really blown it because your patient has found her voice and, of course, she has found the Enemy.

But, again, don't worry. I'm sure that I can help you get back on the right track. After all, I'm brilliant, aren't I? Of course, I am. The best way hold a subservient varmint back is to shut her up because, she is, after all, a slave, isn't she? Of course, she is. Well, do slaves get to dictate their thoughts and actions in a group? Of course not.

I mean really, if you have a lamp, isn't it only natural to hid it away or turn it off? Of course, it is. I mean really, who wants to show off what they're doing in the light?

Certainly, I, for one, work best in the dark.

Now, to go about shutting your patient down, you should start by reminding her about her years of slavery. Then, once that thought is well-established in her mind, you may move on to suggest that she is still a slave.

Of course, it's a perfectly legitimate suggestion because, if you've managed the first part well enough, she will indeed be a slave to great things like Fear, Resentment, and other things that the Enemy doesn't want her to be a slave too. Don't you remember learning about those great things in your Controls class at Temptation University? Well, you'd better remember because that class is a prerequisite for every lower level class you needed to graduate.

At any rate, if your patient is fearful and unsure about her standing in the Enemy's camp, then she will naturally be apprehensive whenever the Enemy asks her to do something for Him and that is, of course, my goal.

I'm telling you, I really get excited when one of my inept employees is assigned to a varmint like your patient. It really shouldn't take too many of my suggestions to turn your varmint in another direction—that is, one that leads her down to my dinner table.

It's just unfortunate that you let things slide this far. I mean, even a frightened subservient varmint can become bold if they're allowed to have contact with the Enemy.

I'm telling you, I'm positively livid that He was always back there, pursuing your patient and now that she has met Him in the fur, He'll undoubtedly keep reminding her that His grace is enough to pull her through any situation, no matter how many thorns I throw in her way.

I'm telling you, this little episode is a travesty of monumental proportions because your patient has encountered many so-called friends along her journey and the Enemy will use them to benefit His own camp. In fact, He encourages so-called friends to get together regularly and even promises that He Himself will attend their meetings. Remember what I said about Himself being a three-faced jerk? Well, this is one of the times when His three faces help Him help the vermin in His camp.

Of course, the most damning thing that will remind your patient that she is not a slave is the Enemy's own covenant that He made with the vermin in His camp on the very first day of this terrible world.

That covenant has always been horrible for my side, but recently He made it even worse by reaffirming it. Unfortunately, nowadays, He can not only point to the words that He spoke on the first day to remind your patient of His covenant, He can also point to His recent actions.

As time moves on I'll have to demand that my employees focus their attention on the younger generations because, obviously, the older vermin will have a better memory about what He has done for His camp, but that is for another era and you probably don't need to worry about it because you'll have come down for my dinner by that time.

At any rate, do you remember the emergency memo that I sent out just before you graduated from Temptation University and were assigned to your patient? _Don't you remember it_?

Don't you dare tell me that you decided to follow Nyct's lead and threw out your meno. Don't you dare tell me that. I don't want to hear the truth from my imbecilic employees-especially one as worthless and inept as yourself.

Oh, my me, I can just feel a fireball rising in my throat. I better sign off before I blow this letter to bits in the fire and brimstone. Don't forget to speak up or write to me if you need any more of my awesome advice. I'm always ready to help my employees and you're so very special to me.

The Splendid, Merciless, Murderous, One and Only,

Tash

(all honor and glory to me)

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes<strong>: Orp is named for Orphnaeus, another horse in Hades' team. The best description of him is found, like those of his teammates, in "The Rape of Proserpine". That description says that he is swift and savage, so I paired him with the gentle Hwin. Like in Bree's chapter, I picked Orphnaeus to point up the covenant connection that I think Hwin has with Fledge.

As I wrote this chapter, I found it interesting to compare the relationships between Shasta/Cor and Bree and Aravis and Hwin. Bree, right from the beginning, sets up the parameters of his relationship with Shasta but, as the book progresses, Cor is able to find his footing and, by the end, has discovered that he is a viable member of the group. On the other hand, Aravis and Hwin start out with a typical rider/horse relationship where the rider is in control and the horse is the subservient beast of burden. However, their relationship inherently must change when Hwin is revealed to be a Talking Horse, and I think things would have reached that end faster if Hwin had been less reluctance to stand up for herself.

**Bible verses**: Matt. 28:18-20; Acts 1:8; 2 Tim. 3: 16-17; Psalm 18:6, 34: 4, 17-18; 23:1-6; 66:1-20; 51: 1-17; James 1:19; Matt. 5:5,39-42; Luke 6:29-30;; Rom. 8:26-27; Psalm 46:10a; 1 Kings 19:11-13; Luke 19:37-40; Prov. 17:28; Rom. 8:1, 5:3-5; James 1:2-4; Acts 2:42-47; Jere.29:11; Rom. 8:28; Eph. 2:10; Matt. 5:15-16; Luke 8:16-17; Rom. 8:15-17; Gal. 4:4-7; 2 Tim. 1:7-8; 2 Cor. 12:9-10; Matt. 18:20, 26:26-28; Luke 22:19-20; 1 Cor. 11:24-26


	14. Lasaraleen

My Dear Placebo,

Let me start out by saying how gratifying it is to write to an employee who is on their talons while they're doing my work. I'll bet that, even with all your recent success, you're still too stupid to comprehend how hard it is to be as great as I am. Of course, that doesn't really matter because you're just a worthless moron and I'm me and, when it comes down to it, you're an employee who seems to understand that your employer is on the verge of starvation.

I'm telling you, you just can't imagine the troubles that have recently befallen my side, but that's because you've been working in the shelter of that esteemed capitol city that's named after me in that country that likes me more than the Enemy.

Have I ever mentioned how excited I get when I see all those slovenly Male and Female Human varmints loafing around the capitol city that's named after me? With all its great spectacles and idols devoted to, not only myself, but also many other gods and goddess who the idiot varmints think are over me in my Lowerarchy, how could I not find a measure of relief?

Well, I'll tell you how. I'm not on the Enemy's throne yet, am I? I mean really, do you expect me to be pleased that just one country, out of this whole world, likes me more than Him? Really? _Really_? Oh, but I'm just sure that you're smart enough to know better.

Anyway, what a great joke it all is, right? After all, why would I give up control of any aspect of the vermin's life, whether it be fertility, or marriage, or the harvest, or anything else? It's just the greatest joke ever when the vermin think that there are separate deities in charge of different things. I mean sure, there is a lot of things to do in this despicable world that the Enemy created but, believe you me, I can handle it.

After all, I don't doze off. In fact, I'm comparable to the Enemy in that regard.

At any rate, thanks to the auspicious work of my many successful employees who work in the capitol city that's named after me, the influence of all their Male and Female Human patients has really helped you out. All your patient does is wile away her time, talking about the latest gossip or fashion ideas or some other frivolous thing and she doesn't waste one thought on doing something else or becoming someone new. It's simply spectacular what you've been able to mold her into and I'm sure to have a satisfying meal soon as long as you keep up the effective work.

I mean really, who knew that someone as imbecilic as you are could do such a decent job? I'm just giddy about the impending results, so long as you don't suddenly get stupid and let your patient slip away. I've seem too much of that lately to not be skeptical of yet another one of my moronic employee's performances.

But I digress. Let me get back to your patient. You've been able to use the very effective tactic of Indifference on her and I'm sure that you can still get lots more mileage out of it.

Indifference is a great trap for a varmint to fall into, isn't it? When a varmint falls for that tactic, they lose their passion. They stop caring about the outcome of life's situations and essentially wimp out when the going gets tough. They become, as the Enemy might say, lukewarm.

I'm telling you, you've done such a brilliant job with your patient that I see indifference leaking from her pores. First off, she floats through life, tossing her monetary riches into my Temple's coffers, not because she truly believes that I'll help her—which I won't—but because she likes the showiness of it.

Second, she pays homage to this god or that goddess without even caring to realize that I, her patron—no, wait, her ancestor, as she herself claims—know that they don't exist. I mean really, I wouldn't be surprised if she paid homage to an unknown deity, just to cover her basis. I'm sure that the great religiousness the capitol city that's named after me is a big part of why you've been able to groom her idleness to the degree that you have.

Say, did you realize that it was out of my great benevolence that I bestowed this assignment on you? Surely, a smart little devil like you should realize that I gave you this assignment because I think you're worthy of it. I mean really, did you think that a moron like yourself could pull off such a fabulous job if you didn't have a fabulous employer helping your worthless hide out? I think not.

Of course, I absolutely demand your undivided worship as payment for my favoritism. I mean really, did you think that I'd favor you without demanding something in return? I'm not the Enemy, after all.

At any rate, I thought it was absolutely classic of you to suggest that your patient claim allegiance to the moron Human varmints who rule the land that likes me and hates the Enemy and then turn around and aid and abet in an act of treason against them when she was with Poliomy's patient recently. Mark my words, with your talent, you could use her flippant attitude to benefit yourself and, more importantly, me.

You know, I'm keep wondering if your patient's soul will really wind up on my dinner table? After the last weeks' activities, I think I'm perfectly justified in wondering about this. I mean, it just makes me boil with rage to think of how many vermin the Enemy has stolen right out from under me lately.

If your patient does end up on my table, I might have to give you a promotion and that would almost be a travesty because I'm not in the habit of promoting my overlings. At least I'd be able to mull over my final decision while I'm feasting on your patient. You just better keep up the excellent grooming job that you're doing. I don't want to taste any nasty virtues when I eat her.

And, oh my me, don't you dare end up like your idiot colleague, Jester. What with his recent phenomenal success, he's begun to have certain inappropriate ambitions and needs to be brought up a peg or two. But that, of course, is his story, so I don't see any reason to tell you about it. I'll just write to him when I find some time.

But, as I was saying, I'm perfectly okay with sharing space with all sorts of fake gods and goddesses because any time the vermin use to worship them means less time for learning about the Enemy. In an atmosphere like the capitol city that's named after me, it's the norm for a varmint to be blown from one idea to the next and only latch on to the particular ideas that make them feel good about themselves. It would terrible if those varmints who claim to be my descendants ever took time to research their silly ideas because, if they did, the Enemy might reveal Himself to them and they would learn about being in His camp.

Of course, the Enemy's camp sounds like a slave camp so, if you groom her properly, it likely won't appeal to your patient. She does, after all, own slaves of her own, so why would she want to become a slave? I mean, doesn't the Enemy orders His vermin to deny themselves the things that they want, and most likely need, in order to take up His assignments? Doesn't He insist that they abide by His definition of the term "neighbor". Doesn't He demand that they love as He loves, instead of picking and choosing who they want to love?

Well, you can be sure that I know that slavery is wrong. You do know that, don't you? I pay the vermin that come down to my dinner table and my wages are the highest ever recorded. The wages that pay for a dinner pass from me is death and, frankly, that's enough to last any varmint for an eternity without the Enemy.

Of course, I must warn you, the Enemy has an awful habit of regularly roaming around His world and, at all hours of the vermin's' lives, selecting the dirtiest, laziest, weakest, and most worthless ones that you could possibly imagine and putting them to work doing His projects. Like I said, it's His slave labor, but you must keep a careful watch out for it and not let your patient be taken in by the pretty words that He uses when He speaks about His generosity.

You know, you seem to be a little demon who remembers his Temptation University lessons and I'm very pleased with that. It isn't every employee of mine who can graduate from my esteemed school and then go on to meticulously and methodically set their patient on a path that leads to my dinner table.

First, I see that you have remembered that the Enemy does not live in temples built by varmint's hands and He doesn't need images of Himself made of gold, silver, precious stones, or any other material that the vermin can make something out of. I knew that you remembered that lesson when you kept your patient right in the thick of life that revolves around either my temple or one of the shines that is devoted to the lesser deities who don't actually exist.

It is just terrible that the Enemy isn't confined to one place, isn't it? If He could somehow be confined, I'm sure His influence wouldn't be as widespread as it is. Unfortunately, He has been allowed to roam around freely, giving life and breath and everything else to all the despicable vermin that He created. I must warn you, He does all this in the hope that the vermin will seek Him out and join His slave camp.

I'm telling you, my side needs to contain Him somehow and, mark my words, one day I will do just that. I will put Him in a box and make Him shut up just as soon as the perfect opportunity arises. No, wait, better yet, I would put Him in a stable because that's where the slave beast of burden varmints are naturally kept. Then I would be His mouthpiece and trick His stupid ranks into doing my will.

At any rate, I've digress again. Let me get back to your varmint. It would be horrible for you—and, more importantly, me—if your patient wasn't as complacent as she is. After all, with the terribly high number of times that the Enemy has been sighted in that country that likes me more than Him recently, I have no doubt that she could find Him if she had a mind too. Since He is not tame and has recently proven that He'll invade my turf at the drop of a hat, you must be continuously vigilant to guard against your patient learning any of His lines and putting them into practice.

Of course, the Enemy's presence on my turf brings me to an important point, so listen up you foolish cretin. Your job just might get harder in the future because, unfortunately, she has recently been in contact with Poliomy's patient. Your patient's interest in latest fashions, the juiciest gossip, and the hottest Males may incite her to try and contact his filthy Female varmint and she may learn things that aren't any of her business.

Don't ever forget, Poliomy is a first-rate moron and if your varmint is allowed to strike up a close companionship with his patient, then things might unravel for you. Peer pressure, unfortunately, works both ways and the Enemy and I are constantly doing battle to influence each varmint. I've tried and tried to get that lesson through Poliomy's thick scaly head, but he is too dense to understand. Therefore, take heed, you'll probably be on your own if you let your patient get too close to his disgusting varmint.

Now, when I speak of things that aren't any of your patient's business, let me explain further. You may not be aware of this atrocious happening, what with yourself working hard in the capitol city that's named after me, but Poliomy's patient has deserted my service and joined the Enemy's ranks. Unfortunately, that despicable Female varmint is now one of His ambassadors and He'll undoubtedly use her horrible story to trump up His own credentials.

You can bet that He would be so high and mighty as to turn a conversation between Poliomy's patient and yours from frivolous fashion to His own self-proclaimed status as savior of His camp. Unfortunately, my Research Department has been unable to crack His Message of Reconciliation but, believe you me, my employees are working around the clock to decipher it.

In the meantime, don't you dare let your patient's frivolous interests incite her to question why Poliomy's patient now lives with the varmints who rule that southern country that the Enemy loves and I certainly don't want her to ask about what happened to that beggar's brat varmint that she was travelling with when she left my service.

But, now, let me speak a bit more about her interest in fashionable clothes. It won't do for her to learn anything about what the Enemy wants His ranks to clothe themselves with. Unfortunately, at the moment, there are no laws against the things that He likes the vermin to wear but I'm going to see to it that my Fashion Department's police force arrests anyone who burdens themselves with with His bulky virtues.

In my opinion, the vices that I like are a much more natural fit for the vermin to wear.

At any rate, the most important thing to remember here is that a varmint cannot serve me and the Enemy at the same time. They will, inevitably, hate one or the other of us. Your patient will ultimately have to choose which camp she wants to join and you'd better make sure that she serves herself as my dinner.

Now, let me pause right here and tell you a funny but applicable joke. I think that it will help you come up with more devious ideas to entice your patient with. Say that she was invited to a wedding feast with some other Females and say that the Male didn't show up for a while and the Females had to light lanterns so that they could wait for him. Well, here's the punch line. Some of those Females were complacent fools so they didn't bring enough oil and they had to go out and buy more. Then, while they were away, the Male came and those foolish lazy Females got left out of the party.

Isn't that a great joke? Can't you just picture your patient being one of the idiots Females who wasn't prepared when the Male came to his wedding feast? Oh my me, I just crack myself up sometimes. Do you know what I would do with any lazy varmints who aren't prepared for the Enemy's wedding feast, whenever it comes? I would come like a thief and take them down to be my feast.

I'm telling you, I like telling jokes like that one better than I like discussing the terrible possibility of your patient learning about the Enemy. Then again, I suppose the best way to keep an imbecile like yourself on track is to constantly lecture you so that you don't disappoint me.

I'm really counting on you, you know. You're such a hard-working capable little demon and I know that you appreciate my concern about the problem that would develop if your patient strikes up a companionship with a member of the Enemy's camp. I mean sure, keeping her free from any interaction with the Enemy's ranks is hard nowadays, but it's far better than the alternative. Believe you me, I can hardly fault you for not having the goods to avoid Poliomy's patient entirely. Well, actually, I can.

It's such shame that you couldn't help your poor worthless colleague out of the trouble that he was in before it spiraled out of control. What with you being such a smart little devil, I was counting on you to help him and then I might have had a shot at both of your patients.

Oh well, now I just have to watch out and make sure that he doesn't drag you down into the pit that he is already in.

So let me tell you how best to avoid further interaction between his patient and yours. It would be helpful if you encouraged your patient to be afraid of being the butt of the scandal that will undoubtedly erupt once the vermin in the capitol city that is named after me figures out what a ridiculous fool Jester has coaxed his patient into being. Personally, I can't wait for that day, but you'd better encourage your patient to fear it.

Just imagine the trouble she could get into if some of her slovenly peers found out about what she did to help Poliomy traitor patient? Just imagine what kind of shape her reputation would be in if someone figured out that she is partially responsible for turning her great leader's little brat into a ridiculous laughingstock? I'm telling you, I'm already quivering with excitement thinking about how she could be encouraged to resent Poliomy's patient—and, with any luck, her new Master—because they are undoubtedly responsible for the hardships that your patient will endure if her recent activities became known to the general public.

Having some varmint tattle on your patient is a pretty devilish idea, don't you think? Only I could devise a awesome scheme so that. I'm sure one of my more venerable overlings would be capable of handling that little project. Of course, it won't be you because you, despite your surprisingly productive record, are nothing more to me than a moronic employee. In fact, I doubt very much that you're capable of moving farther down my Lowerarchy.

At any rate, I've digressed. You should also encourage your patient to be disgusted that Poliomy's patient has joined the Enemy's camp. This should be easy enough to manage, what with there being such a gap between who your patient thinks the Enemy is and who He claims to be. After all, what could Poliomy's patient and yours possibly have in common now? What agreement can be made between the Enemy's light and and my darkness? What truce can be signed between myself and Him?

The answer? None, nothing, nada. Oh my me, I just crack up every time a varmint thinks that the Enemy and myself could ever coexist peacefully. Isn't that the funniest joke ever? Maybe one day I can convince a really stupid varmint to support the idea that the Enemy and myself are like-minded or, even better, one and the same. That would be the best joke ever.

At any rate, I have just one more suggestion and I've saved the best one for last. You should also suggest that your patient doesn't need the Enemy's help. This tactic is great to use on a patient who has as much pride as your varmint does. I mean, can you even imagine why a great Female varmint like your patient should listen to Poliomy's filthy patient lecturing her on what she is doing wrong and how to fix it? I certainly can't. What need does your patient have for a Beast like the Enemy, anyway? After all, does He make it His business to hang out with the scummiest of varmints?

Well, I must say, writing about your patient has made me pretty hungry. I think I'll sign off now and go fix myself a hot steamy drink so that I can toast my very brilliant work. I'm telling you, if it weren't for me, your patient wouldn't be in the shape that she is in right now. Just keep grooming her like you have been and all my great advice won't be wasted. Oh my me, I'm just giddy about the dinner that she is going to make for me as long as you can handle your job.

The Splendid, Merciless, Murderous, One and Only,

Tash

(all honor and glory to me)

**Author's Notes**: I chose Placebo as Lasaraleen's demon name because some years ago, I read about or heard about a medical study done on some new type of medicine. I don't remember the drug's name or what it was suppose to treat, but I do remember that doctors had two groups of people to do the test, one on the drug being tested and one on placebo pills. As it turned out, the drug was so effective that they stopped the study earlier than intended and hurried the medicine through the rest of the approval process.

That made me consider the group taking the placebo pills. They quite possible could have believed that they were getting real treatment and feeling pretty good about it, when, in fact, they were getting nothing but fake treatment and getting sicker. In the same way, Lasaraleen is waltzing through life, under the impression that all is well in her world, when in fact, she is very much in danger.

I think Lasaraleen is an interesting study because she's not on the "good" side, but she's not the villain either. When we first meet her, we don't like her because the character we do like—Aravis—doesn't like her. But then, after we get to know her, we realize that she's not really a threat to the plot and we can relax and "enjoy" her goofiness. She's sort of like "bad" side comic relief and we might even root for her to change, just like we continually root for Corin and his "good" side comic relief, even though he's a little bit rough around the edges.

Who thinks Lasaraleen will end up in Aslan's Country? It's an arbitrary question, I know, but I was wondering.

Do you think it's also worth noting that Tash doesn't mind lukewarm Tash worship?

* * *

><p><strong>Bible verses<strong>: Acts:17:16; Job 38:1-41:34; Psalm 121:4; Acts 17:21; Eze. 36:26-27; 2 Cor. 5:17; Rev. 3:14-17; Mark 12:41-44; Luke 21:1-4; 1 John 3:10; Acts 17:22-23; Rom. 2:11; James 2:9; Eph. 4:14-16; Acts 17:11; Matt. 16:24; Luke 9:23, 10:25-37; Matt. 5:43-48; Luke 6:27-36; Rom. 6:23; Matt. 20:1-16; Acts 17:24-29; Psalm 86:11; 2 Cor. 5:18-21; Rom. 13:14; Col. 3:12-14; Gal. 5:22-26; Matt. 11:28-30; Prov. 6:16-19; Gal. 5:19-21; Matt. 6:24; Luke 16:13; Josh. 24:15; Matt. 25:1-13; Matt.24:42; John 10-10; 1 Thess. 5:2-10; Rev. 16:15; Prov. 27:17; Ecc. 4:9-12; Matt. 18:20; 1 Thess. 5:11; Psalm 7:15-16; 2 Cor. 6:14-17; 1 John 1:8-10; Luke 5:31, 7:36-50


	15. Prince Rabadash

My Dear Jester,

Well done, my diabolical employee, well done. I'm really at a loss for words when I look at the record of awesome sins that you're patient has racked up; the best and, of course, most important, one being when he stood before the Enemy and denied who He claims to be. You have to be really full of yourself or just really stupid to stand in front of Him and say to His face that He isn't who He claims to be.

I mean really, I was just elated when I heard your patient curse His name and position. Do you suppose that your varmint really knows the consequences of rejecting the Enemy's offer of supposed mercy? Well, for my sake, he better not.

I mean sure, I don't have to worry about not believing all the lies that are told about Him, but those pitifully stupid little varmints don't stand a chance against His terrible wrath. That's why it's so much fun to watch a pompous blowhard like your patient. I'm just certain to get a tasty meal out of him.

Of course, I suppose that you think that you're due some sort of kickback now, don't you? Well, I'm not in the habit of giving out freebies, but you're obviously made of a much higher caliber material than what I'm used to dealing with down here, so a promotion just might be in order.

You know the old saying, don't you? To those who I can entrust a little, they will be given more and more.

Oh my me, you've done an impressive job. Despite all the odds against you and all the tense moments—where a lesser demon might have slacked off—I can practically hear your patient sizzling in my ovens. I can practically hear his delightful screams of perpetual torment.

You know, it would also be pretty funny if, once I have him down here, your patient asked me or one of my lowdown dirty employees to go up and inform all his relations about the misunderstanding that my side has been perpetuating regarding the Enemy's character and desires. Seriously? If the Enemy Himself can't get your varmint to repent and accept His self-described status of savior then why in my country would I help out?

Oh my me, it's enough to make me laugh.

But now let me back up a bit and detail your solid showmanship. I'm not doing this to benefit because, after all, you're nothing more to me than an worthless moron. I'm doing it so I can revel in my glorious victory over the Enemy.

At any rate, you did a sensational job when your patient visited the Enemy's chosen country and hid his awesome abominable character from those four awful Human varmints who rule there. It was great to see that hot older Female ruler fall for your patient's smooth deceptiveness. I'm telling you, only I could have done a better job. It's just too bad that your patient couldn't keep up the act once he'd come back to that capitol city that's named after me but, as usual, all lousy varmints are dust and they're just too stupid to not get tripped up by their own lies eventually.

The Enemy tries time and again to warn the foolish vermin about this weakness that they have, but my side has been able to counter Him by encouraging the vermin to feel indestructible. Why, after all, would they need Him, if nothing is going to happen to them anyway?

Fortunately, I don't share their weakness problem. No one will ever punish me for my opposition to the Enemy.

At any rate, it's too bad that the ravishing older Female ruler brought that younger Male ruler along when she came to visit your patient in that capitol city that's named after me. That wretched dirtbag younger Male ruler has become much too discerning under the Enemy's tutelage. He sniffed out your patient's plans for that sensuous older Female ruler and then he proceeded to calmly and coolly concocted a plan take her out of his reach.

I'm telling you, that younger Male ruler is not nearly as promising as I thought he'd be when he first came to the Enemy's chosen country, when he was nothing more than a little brat. That just goes to show you how important it is to win over the vermin when they are young. The Enemy and I have had many a great battle over the young vermin in each generation and we will, no doubt, continue to do so until this terrible world ends.

Oh my me, it was so much fun to watch your patient stare at that gorgeous older Female ruler because I could just see the lewd thoughts spinning around in his brain. His haughty eyes, and, of course, his proud heart, are like an unplowed field, just waiting to be planted with the things that I like.

It's just regretful that he couldn't add one more nice big stain to his record by capturing that stunning older Female ruler, but, unfortunately, she had the Enemy's ranks surrounding her, protecting her from the plans that I had for her.

It's just that things were going so well for my side where your patient was concerned. With all that success, I was thinking that I might get lucky and finally make some headway in the Enemy's chosen country by subjugating one of His best varmints to the whims of a ruler—or in this case, future ruler—from the country that likes me more than Himself.

It's awfully hard for a varmint to ignore the whims of someone who they're with almost all the time. If your patient had that hot older Female ruler living with him, she could probably be convinced to make allowances for some of his demands, even if they go against what the Enemy likes.

But let me get back to a more delightful subject; that is, your patient's utter rejection of the Enemy. You just can't imagine how gleeful I felt when I saw him stand up to the Enemy's threats about loving Him and doing His work. You can never let your guard down when He tries to install a varmint in His camp. He is, unfortunately, capable of, and, unfortunately, has already taken, the most extreme measures to reconcile the prerequisites for entry into His ranks with the qualifications of any low-life varmint, even if that varmint is as delightfully foul as yours is. Oh, I'm so glad that I didn't have to witness or even imagine what might have happened if your patient had been willing to accept the Enemy's so-called mercy.

I'm telling you, with all the recent failings of your shoddy colleagues, I was awfully concerned that you'd blow it at the last minute and your patient would ask the Enemy what He wanted him to do, but you kept your quaking talons under control in front of Him and, as a result, I'll soon have your patient's greasy hide on my table.

Now, that, my fine employee, is what I call justice.

But, on to another matter. While your patient is in his current ridiculously compromising position, he can't really cause much damage to my side because the Enemy took away his voice by making him a dumb beast. So, guess what? I have a special errand for you.

I'm sure you were aware that your bumbling colleague, Placebo, and that idiot, your colleague, Poliomy, and, more importantly, their patients were in the room with you, your patient, and those other Males when they made their plans to invade the Enemy's chosen country and that southern country that He loves.

Well, get this. Unfortunately, with Placebo's patient's help, Poliomy's patient has deserted my ranks and I'm absolutely livid. In fact, I think it's high-time for a little revenge. After all, I've been wronged, haven't I? It's only proper that I should avenge this affront to my authority, isn't it? Of course, it is.

For that reason, I would like you to slither or fly about the capitol city that's named after me and see if you might find a varmint who would be receptive to the curious suggestion of how their future leader came to be a dumb beast without a voice.

If some varmint could possible pin Placebo's patient with this crime then it will really help your foolish colleague out. He is in danger of a big slide and I'd much rather eat his patient along with yours, rather than just yours. Call me greedy, because I am.

Now, isn't that a fitting reward for one as capable as you are? I can't think of any better way to show you my favoritism than by giving you this little reward while your patient is compromised. I hope you weren't thinking that you'd get a break. After all, the Enemy doesn't take any time off so why should you?

Of course, since this assignment is only a temporary gig, I want you to be aware of something.

It has come to my attention-though some of your more unmentionable colleagues-that due to your recent phenomenal success, you've begun to think of yourself as lower on the Lowerarchy than you really are.

So let me make one thing very clear, you worthless little maggot; if you even consider the idea that you're on my level, then you aren't any better than any other imbecilic fiend who crosses the graduation stage at Tempation University.

I can only conclude that your ambitious thoughts could one day turn into open rebellion within my ranks and, I warn you, I won't put up with it. May my bolt fall from above and obliterate you if you don't completely submit to my will and worship me.

In fact, just because I'm all-powerful and have the authority to do so, I'm going to teach you a lesson right now. Don't even think about that promotion that I practically promised you. Why in my country would I promote a little fiend with rebellious thoughts swirling in his head?

But, of course, don't ever forget that you're very special to me and I want, more that anything else, to see you succeed. I'm sure that a smart little devil like yourself doesn't need much help, but heck, you're still a foolish moron and I'm me, so don't hesitate to ask questions when you need me

The Splendid, Merciless, Murderous, One and Only,

Tash

(all honor and glory to me)

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes<strong>: Just a little note, I did a little revamping on "**The Lost File**" letter of Moonwood the Hare and added some verses.

Did you catch the Mr. & Mrs. Beaver quote in Tash speak that I threw in at the beginning of this letter?

I chose Jester for Rabadash's demon because medieval court jesters performed for the royal family and their guests as a form of entertainment. In the same way, Rabadash's actions at the end of The Horse and His Boy (HHB) prove to be highly entertaining for the royal council that had convened.

Also, court jesters are generally associated with clowns and don't you think that Pauline Baynes' illustrations of the Tisroc and Rabadash make them look like clowns? And doesn't Rabadash the Ridiculous sound like a clown name?

As I wrote this chapter, I started to see Rabadash's encounter with Aslan as a Narnian version of a Road to Damascus encounter as opposed to a Final Judgement encounter. Of course, it follows that Rabadash eventually has that final judgement meeting but his HHB encounter is a solid indicator as to where his soul is and I think it's safe to assume that he doesn't change.

Have you ever noticed that most Screwtape (or in this case, Tash) stories end in failure for the demon main character? With Rabadash, and later on with other Narnian villains, I wanted to show that the bad guy can win on an individual basis. My favorite HHB quote is "justice shall be mixed with mercy" but that inherently means that mercy is mixed with justice and when mercy is flatly rejected, all that's left is justice.

As readers, we have a "the bad guy is always doomed" mentality so by the time we get to Rabadash's "Road to Damascus" opportunity, we sought of assume that Aslan has done everything that needs doing for a happy ending because he has appeared to all the characters that we want to get saved. But doesn't the Lion save His boldest most dramatic appearance for the one character we all love to hate? How might things have been different if Rabadash had responded like Saul did in Acts 9? What would have happened to the early Christian movement if Saul had responded like Rabadash does?

**Bible verses**: Matt. 25:14-30; Luke 16:19-31; Psalm 103:14-18; 1 Peter 1:24-2:3; 1 John 1:8-10; Prov. 22:6; Matt;10:16; Prov.21:4, 6:16-19; Gal. 5:19-21; 1 Tim. 6:3-5; 1 John 3:7-10; Luke 22:33-34, 54-60; John 15:13-17, 18:15-27, 20:19-29; 21:4-19; Rom. 6:10; 1 Peter 3:18; Acts 9:4-6; James 2:19; Deut. 32:35; Rom. 12:19; Heb. 10:30-31; James 2:9; Psalm 121:4; Rom. 12:3-5; 1 Cor. 12:15-20


	16. King Ram the Great

My Dear Vichy,

I just wanted to write to you because I've been so satisfied with how things have been progressing lately and I wanted to be sure that you, one of my most precious and treasured employees, are able to celebrate my recent successes with me.

I'm telling you, ever since those four awful Human varmints from another world left the Enemy's chosen country things have started going my way. Oh, sure, they ruled His chosen country and obeyed Him for much longer than I wanted them too, but that time is over and done and my time has arrived. In fact, with all the changes that I've seen lately in Enemy's chosen country, I'm sure that I'm on the verge of my own Golden Age. After all, the last time no Human vermin from another world were in this world, I had a pretty awesome friend and she was able to keep my kitchen staff quite productive.

So, I ask you, why shouldn't I anticipate similar results this time around too?

Have you heard about what's been going on that makes me so excited? I bet that you haven't because you're really stupid but, because I'm full of myself and want to brag, I'll tell you. It all started when the vermin in the Enemy's chosen country were so shocked and depressed about their terrible Human leaders from another world leaving them. I guess they assumed—incorrectly, of course—that the Enemy actually has plans for their future happiness and success.

What a bunch of gullible fools.

At any rate, during that time of great and very useful desperation, all the varmint's in His chosen country knew was doubt and fear. In turn, that enabled some other Human vermin to come in and take over leadership responsibilities in His chosen country.

Oh my me, I'm so excited because the vermin in His chosen country forgot something that is crucial to keeping the Enemy happy. They forgot to simply believe in Him and His self-proclaimed promises.

Now, I know what you're thinking and you're wrong-as usual-but that's beside the point. These Human varmints are actually ones that my side can work with because, get this, they don't believe that the Enemy exists.

Isn't that hilarious?

Now, since I happen to know the Enemy very well, I don't need to theorize about His motives for leaving His ranks to wallow in the darkest valley. I'm just certain that He banished His own chosen leaders from another world because He likes to see His ranks, living in this broken generation, in utter despair and hopelessness.

I mean really, isn't that just like Him? He has always claimed to be for the vermin in His camp, but He is really against them. Never mind the rumors about His scars, or His rope burns, or that He once let my old friend's sidekicks cut His mane off. Never mind about that. It's all lies. Don't you know that the vermin in His camp will say anything to get more vermin to sign up with His army?

But, I've digressed. Tell me, isn't it splendid to see the vermin in His chosen country living in bondage because they've forgotten His promises or only remember the most convenient parts of His promises. Oh, sure, they remember that He assigned Human vermin to be their leaders, but they've delightfully forgotten that the leaders He chooses are ones who keep His covenant.

It's just like when my old friend came to power not so long ago. She worked her way in because the vermin in His camp were living well under the protection of that old tree that was planted on the first day of this awful world and they got distracted and lazy. Ah, those were the days, weren't they? Well, don't blink. Those days are back.

Once again, the vermin in His chosen country have gotten lazy and distracted by their easy lives under the reign of His four awful chosen leaders from another world and I intend to take full advantage of the situation now that those worthless bipeds are gone.

Now, I'm sure that you, being a smart modern little cretin, can understand the advantage that my side has when Human vermin who don't believe in the Enemy or His self-proclaimed status as Savior of the world come to power in His chosen country. Don't you see? Don't you get it?

Oh yes, I remember now, you don't have a clue about what I'm talking about. You, after all, are the idiot who watches over that punky little varmint who leads the southern country that He loves.

While things are turning in a very successful direction in the Enemy's chosen country, your patient has stubbornly refused to stop believing in Him and His disastrous self-proclaimed goal of destroying me and my employees.

How could you be so worthless? How could you be such a moron?

Don't you know that, even with all my recent great advancement in His chosen country, I'll never have complete success as long as there is someone, somewhere, who remembers Him and His claims?

Now, let me be clear. I'm not opposed to your varmint's insistence that the Enemy exists. After all, even my side acknowledges, at least amongst ourselves, in the darkest corners of my country, that He is a living breathing thing, but I see no point in your varmint's idea that He is actually the Savior of this whole wretched world.

Oh sure, I understand that your varmint is simply preaching what he heard an older generation say and I won't dispute that the vermin who reared your patient did need the Enemy's interference to save them from their worthless lives. But they were very simple imbecilic varmints and your patient has been reared in very different circumstances than they were. Obviously, he is much better educated and much more sophisticated than they ever were, so what need does he have for the Enemy and His so-called mercy?

I think that your patient will benefit from being in such close proximity to the vermin who don't acknowledge the Enemy existence or claims. If he struck up a treaty with them, I'm sure that I could make some inroads in his life.

After all, peaceful co-existence is always better than war, isn't it? Of course, it is. I'm sure that a deal can be struck between these two very different ideologies and peace can be had in your patient's time.

Then, with any luck, the worthless vermin in the southern country that the Enemy loves will be able to live in fear and slavery and without justice, security, or liberty, just like the vermin in His chosen country do now.

I'm telling you, your patient is a sappy little fool to continue thinking that the Enemy will help him and the rest of the southern country that He loves resist the pressures brought on by their new neighbors. Doesn't the Enemy have more important things to do than watch the backs of spineless varmints who run around like headless chickens most of the time? Of course, He does.

If He would let me sit on His throne and give me the credit that I deserve then, I'm sure, He would have more time to cater to His worthless creation, but He doesn't seem to think that it's important to share power.

He's such a selfish jerk.

You know, you're really worthless, so I'm sure that you can't imagine how my mouth salivates whenever I think about how things would be different if your patient started believing that he is too insignificant for the Enemy to bother with. Unfortunately, because of your lack of effort, or lack of skill, or probably both, my stomach is aching because your patient doesn't think that way.

If he did, he might start neglecting to converse with the Enemy on a regular basis and then, with any luck, he would eventually forget about Him altogether.

You just can't underestimate how a varmint's regular conversations with the Enemy can lead them farther up and farther into His Lair. I'm telling you, it's pathetic, but a varmint who is in constant contact with Him will start seeing Him everywhere they look and my side has a terrible time with idiots who see Him everywhere.

I mean really, it's as if they think that He can actually be everywhere at once, regardless of time or distance. What a joke.

I can't tell you how relieved I was when that ravishing older Female ruler from another world went away with her despicable relations. She had a very powerful weapon in her possession that helped her stay in contact with the Enemy and, by her example, her imbecilic vermin subjects learned how to stay in contact with Him even more than they already did before she arrived.

Well, guess what? When that gorgeous older Female ruler left, she was stupid and left her weapon behind. Of course, I couldn't have some hapless varmint discovering it and finding out it's power, so I sent one of my more clandestine employees to steal it.

Now, I mention this because, unfortunately, your moronic secret colleague botched his job and the weapon was lost.

Well, hear this and hear it well, you pathetic little wasp, I want you to be on the look out for that sensuous older Female's weapon because your patient has such an ample supply of the disgusting virtues of hope and faith in the Enemy's deliverance—which can only be developed through regular contact with Him—so I wouldn't be at all surprised if your patient somehow found the weapon and is holding onto it until the Enemy's chosen country has been brought down so low that they rediscover it's hideous potential.

Luckily for me, it is completely unprecedented for the Enemy to bring back the same vermin from another world twice so I'm quite certain that I've seen the last of those four hideous rulers. Good riddance, I say. They caused my side horrible problems while they were here.

Oh my me, I'm hungry right now. I just can't wait varmints who now rule the Enemy's chosen country, but don't believe that He exists, to invade and take over the southern country that He loves. I'm sure that, as long as you're doing your job correctly, they'll have an easy time taking control. After all, the southern country that the Enemy loves is smaller, weaker, and less renowned than His chosen country.

Of course, since I'm such a awesome and considerate Devil, I want to help the vermin who don't believe the Enemy exists anyway that I can, so here's what you're going to do.

You're going to suggest to your patient that neither he nor his hapless subjects have anything to worry about when the vermin who don't acknowledge that the Enemy exists takes over the southern country that He loves. I'm sure that they'll accept your patient as their puppet governor.

I'm sure that, if your patient tolerates the actions of the vermin who don't believe that the Enemy exists or looks the other way whenever he finds them intolerable and, especially, if he pays homage to them and doesn't make waves by talking nonsense about the Enemy or war, then everyone will be quite satisfied with the arrangement.

Well, at least, I'll be satisfied with the arrangement.

Of course, unfortunately, you've got your work cut out for you because you've been a real moron and your varmint is the sort who would jump at the chance to defend the Enemy against such a benign threat as the vermin who don't acknowledge His existence and claims. It's just terrible for my plans when the Enemy's ranks make defensive maneuvers against ideas that I like.

Most of my employees have turned out to be to stupid to counter Him.

But, no matter. I'm sure that when I finally choose to make my appearance on the battlefield things will be different. I'm sure that I'll gain the smashing victory that I've always said I'll have against Him and His employees.

At any rate, it shouldn't be hard for you to entice your patient with this suggestion. After all, he is a king and undoubtedly has many problems in his own realm. Why should he care if the vermin in the Enemy's chosen country sell themselves into slavery? What is that to him? Is he their keeper? What is a neighbor anyway?

Another thing that will make this suggestion easy for you to use is the fact that, at least nowadays, most vermin have an aversion to war and bloodshed. Luckily for me, His ranks have forgotten that the Enemy Himself, as their self-proclaimed Royal Master, leads His army into battle with His banner before them. And, unfortunately, He also equips them with all sorts of terrible armor when they go off to war.

Well, let me make something clear. My Research Department is working feverishly to figure out how to penetrate the armor that He gives His ranks and, mark my words, one day we'll discover His secret.

Now, let me pause right here and tell you something that's really quite amusing and very useful for my side. Even though the Enemy has assembled His ranks into one huge army, they like to squabble amongst themselves. They like to think that their own particular unit is the most important one and that the make and model of the weapons their unit uses are the most useful and the location where they train is the best. It's just hilarious because the Enemy's army isn't made up of particular weapons or training facilities but, unfortunately, His army is made up of vermin who go out and do His bidding on the battlefield.

I'm just relieved that most varmints don't like to acknowledge that His army is really made up of everyone who accepts His commission. Fortunately, it's rare that His ranks think about the fact that they are one in the hope they have in their Leader, in the basic instructions that He gives each unit, and in the requirement that they do good deeds of service during any time of war.

Don't you dare ever forget your Temptation University lessons; the Enemy Himself declared war on me and my side on the very first day of this terrible world, but if His army is divided amongst itself, it won't stand.

On the other hand, don't worry about the hideous rumors about Him. They are simply lies that His camp has spread around to confuse the vermin who haven't signed up with Him yet. In fact, His love hasn't invade this terrible world and my side will prevail as long as His army forgets how to live loudly by proclaiming His self-proclaimed status as Savior wherever they go.

Say, here's an interesting and very timely message just in from the clandestine employee that I assigned to watch you. It seems as though your patient is talking about something very dangerous.

Were you aware of a recent speech that he gave to his worthless varmint subjects? If you were aware of it, then you should have told me immediately because he talked about a very dangerous but, fortunately, correctable, idea.

Of course, since you didn't let me know ahead of time, I can only conclude that you're a lazy rotten pig who isn't doing his job. Well, mark my words, you'll pay for your ineptness.

At any rate, the message from my secret employee states that your patient has been talking to his moron subjects about doing what is right as far as he knows right to be. Now, unfortunately, when your patient speaks about rightness as he sees it, he is talking about what the Enemy has brainwashed him to believe is right and you can be sure that it's a very intolerant, exclusive, and cliché-ish message.

To my way of thinking, all the vermin should be allowed to do what is right in his own eyes, but your patient, like so many other vermin in the Enemy's camp, insists that His way is right and everyone other way is wrong.

This little note also says that your patient has the audacity to lecture his subjects on standing calm, firm, and united against the Humans varmints who don't acknowledge that the Enemy exists because His power will deliver them, whenever He chooses too. In other words, your patient actually wants his subjects be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and continue to faithfully communicate with the Enemy, no matter how long it takes for Him to respond to them.

I can't stand it when a varmint is as optimistic, intolerant, and stubborn as your patient is. He just can't look at a situation—even when my side is clearly in control—without fearlessly proclaiming the Enemy's victory and exalting his compatriots to fight against me, my side, and all the awesome varmints who have ideas that I like. I'm telling you, your patient is driving his subjects to fight, at whatever cost, the Human vermin who don't acknowledge the Enemy's existence on the seas, in the air, in the fields and hills, and in the streets of the southern country that He loves and it's making me see red.

Don't you know that lots of times a varmint who stands up against ideas that I like is eventually lauded for his so-called greatness?

So, how could you let this happen?

You know, you're so inept that I'm seriously beginning to wonder whether you have the goods to successfully suggest that your patient surrender to the Humans varmints who don't acknowledge the Enemy's existence and claims.

Maybe I should take you out of the field and invite you down here for dinner. That would be just like me, wouldn't it? I'm such a nice Devil that I'd invite you—a worthless inept slob—down for dinner, tell you about everything that you've done wrong, and then eat your worthless hide.

Now, one last thing that, with any luck, will prove useful to you, and, more importantly, me before you completely botch your assignment. I know that your brat has gone on and on about service, sacrifice, determination, and reliance, but don't give up. Like most varmints, he most likely likes to flap his jaws about being tough in the face of opposition, but then folds when the going gets tough.

Fortunately, leaders have a way of doing that. They say that war is always an option to put down threats, but they don't really means it. It's the funniest thing in the world to watch the Human vermin in leadership positions grasping at straws to make peace when a time for war has arrived.

There is a time for both war and peace, you know, and, let me tell you, if it's a war the Enemy wants, it's a war He shall gets.

I'm perfectly prepared to ride out and meet Him, leading all my worthless employees into battle, but it is certainly to my benefit that His ranks like to think about Him as being all about warm loving goodness and about His self-proclaimed status as the Prince of Peace, while conveniently forgetting about His untame and unsafe nature.

Now, don't get foolish and let your guard down like some of your colleagues have done in the recent past. The worthless vermin in this despicable world may not know where the Enemy is unless He is visibly around them but, unfortunately, I know all too well that He is lurking in the most unexpected places. Therefore, you must warn me if He does something that my side didn't anticipate.

Also, because I care about your worthless hide, I demand updates on your progress-or lack thereof. As always, I'm ready to help any stupid employees who ask me.

The Glorious, Talented, Cruel, Fearsome,

Tash

(all honor and glory to me)

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes<strong>: Well, once again, we've come to a new era in Narnia, so I changed the closing salutation. King Ram is, like King Gale, Queen Swanwhite, and Moonwood the Hare in **The Lost File**, a character who lives in an in-between time.

I'm sure that you've already guessed that I wrote this letter as if the Telmarines invaded Narnia during Ram's reign which is, of course, debatable. The reason I did so was because I've come to the conclusion that there are only two ways for a leader to become "the greatest ever". The first is if they rule at a time of great prosperity and happiness and, if there are any serious threats, they are put down quickly and decisively. The Narnian example of this is the Pevensies' Golden Age.

The second way to become "the great" is if they lead during a time of great trial and adversity and, through their leadership, their country triumphs. I think this is what Ram does because, if the Telmarines invaded Narnia during his reign, living in Archenland would be akin to living in Britain as Hitler's Third Reich gobbled up the rest of Europe.

That brings me to my demon name, Vichy. He gets his name from Vichy France, which was formerly known as the French State from July 1940-Sept. 1944. The government, led by Philippe Petain and set up in the town of Vichy, was given full sovereignty, at least on paper, over two-fifths of France, while the rest of the country was occupied by the Nazis. In reality, however, the Vichy government was pro-Nazi and allowed them to carry out their policies in within Vichy's borders, so they were more of a puppet government. Giving King Ram "greatest leader ever" status is akin to calling the generation that fought in WWII "the greatest generation".

Also, I think, they aren't the greatest generation because of the enemy they faced, but because of how they fought their enemy. C.S. Lewis himself gives us an example by contributing to the war effort by reading, on live BBC Radio (the most prominent social media of the day), the first rough draft of his famous book, Mere Christianity.

Besides the usual Bible citations, I used various lines or phrases, from several speeches:

1. Abraham Lincoln's 1858 speech to the Republican State Convention after being selected to run for the US Senate;

2. Neville Chamberlain's "peace in our time" speech on Sept. 30, 1938 and his declaration of war speech on Sept. 3, 1939

3. King George VI's speech to the nation and Commonwealth following the declaration of war on Sept. 3, 1939;

4. Winston Churchill's "we shall fight on the..." speech to the House of Commons on June 4, 1940.

I also used lines from several songs. Hawk Nelson's "Drops in the Ocean"; Newsboys' "We Believe"; Sabine Baring-Gould's "Onward Christian Soldiers" and Richard K. Avery's "We Are the Church".

Did you catch a reminder of the prophecy about the end of the White Witch's rule replayed in this letter? How about a version of the White Witch's quote about Aslan from the 2008 movie?

Susan's Horn (first mentioned in her letter in **Screwtape on the Pevensies**) got a heavy mention because it's presence, or lack thereof, will figure prominently in at least the next two chapters. Has anyone ever thought about where it was while it was "lost"?

**Bible Verses**: Deut. 30:16-20; Jer. 29:11; Judges 2:10; Heb. 11:6; Psalm 23:1-6; Matt. 9:36; Isa. 1:21-23; Rev. 12:9-12; Acts 17:24-28; James 2:19; Prov. 22:6; 1 John 1:8-10; 2 Cor. 6:14-16; Psalm 46:5; 1 Chron. 16:11; Psalm 4:1, 145:18; Jer. 29:12-13; Matt. 7:11; Luke 18:1-8; Rom. 8:14-17; Heb. 11:1; Isa. 1:26; Eph. 6:12; Gen: 4:9; Luke 10:25-37; Psalm 18:34-35; Eph. 6:13-18; James 2:14-18; Matt. 28:18-20; Isa. 7:9b; Matt. 7:24-27; Judges 21:25; John 14:6; Rom. 12:12, 5:3-5; James 1:2-4; Ecc. 3:8b, Isa. 9:6-7


	17. Dr Cornelius

My Dear Quisling,

Is the report that I just received correct? I really don't understand how it could be because I've spent the last millennia and a few centuries grooming the vermin in the Enemy's chosen country to think and behave just how I'd like them too and I know that you—begin a smart, capable, diligent little demon—would never be so careless as to let all my hard work go to waste,

Of course, I expect verification. I want to see results.

You understand, don't you? After all, even with all the productivity that my side has seen during the past centuries, I still can't let my guard down. The Enemy has been searching for a way to disrupt my great plans for His awful world ever since I set them into motion.

I'm telling you, it has been so satisfying to watch your colleagues successfully exploit this new modern era by suggesting that the dynastic regime of vermin who don't acknowledge the Enemy—yet, delightfully, rule over His chosen country—should pass laws, decrees, and form cultural biases that make it illegal or taboo to talk about Him or with Him.

Of course, right about the time that I should be gorging on the fruits of my labor, I find myself having to remind an imbecile like yourself to not get lulled into a false sense of security. After all, that is just what the Enemy is banking on. Well, let me tell you, I've infiltrated too many of the government and civil institutions in His chosen country to have some worthless moron in my Lowerarchy waste all of my effort.

Naturally, this brings me back to the disturbing rumors that I've heard about your patient locating the most terrible weapon that the Enemy ever gave His side. Don't try to deny knowledge about this indiscretion; after all, you know how much I loathe a liar and I know that you're not dumb enough to displease me.

So, tell me, how is it that your patient slipped away from you long enough to find this hideous weapon and how is it that you didn't prevent him from passing it on to Pavo's patient?

Haven't you heard about the rumors of unmitigated disaster for my side that are associated with this weapon? I mean really, they are terrible rumors about the Enemy's self-proclaimed ability to usher in a new era of His favor if the vermin in His camp use this weapon.

Well, don't you believe them. My position is as secure as it always has been in the Enemy's chosen country. I'm in no danger of being kicked out.

You know, I couldn't be more livid that you let this happen. I've sent employee after employee to find this terrible weapon and destroy it before something like this happened but all of them failed—as usual. Then, seemingly out of the blue, a report comes across my desk that states that one of my most hapless employee's patient found the weapon in question because said employee—that's you—was to worthless to stop him.

Didn't you know that the weapon that your patient found and passed on to Pavo's patient is one that will allow the Enemy and His ranks to communicate directly with one another? Didn't you know that this weapon even translates the vermin's gibberish so that the Enemy knows what they mean, even if they don't? Didn't you know that with this weapon in hand or paw the vermin will be able to relearn all that long-forgotten hearsay about what the Enemy supposedly did a long time ago and how He can help them today?

You know, I don't know for sure—because I don't care enough about you to bother finding out—but I bet that you were asleep or just skipped your history classes at Temptation University because if you'd been paying attention you might have been able to stop your assignment from unraveling. Didn't you know that the weapon that your patient found and passed along is the very same one that helped the Enemy's ranks undermine the work of my imbecilic employees many centuries ago?

I mean really, that's what you get when you have an Enemy who doesn't change with the times. He just uses the same old tactics in every new era to twist my words and attempt to ruin my plans. I'm telling you, if my employees weren't so stupid then it would be easy to defeat Him since He isn't very creative.

Say, did you happen to hear the lecture that your esteemed History professor gave about the day that one of the Enemy's minions gave the weapon that your patient found to that ravishing older Female Human ruler from another world who used to rule His chosen country with her terrible relations?

I'd bet that you didn't hear that lecture because you're a brilliant little demon who wouldn't be stupid enough to get caught attending his classes.

Well, let me tell you, I'm ecstatic that those four terrible Human varmints from another world haven't come back and I really doubt that they will. Whenever the Enemy has brought in Human vermin from another world to foul up my great plans, they've never been the same ones that He brought in before.

But, I've digressed, so let me get back to the point of this letter. How could you let this happen? Don't you know that when the Enemy starts communicating with His ranks, His goal is to monopolize all their time and attitudes? The more regularly a varmint uses the weapon that your patient found and passed along to communicate with Him, the more difficulty my side has with them. I mean really, didn't you learn that no varmint can serve two masters in your Logic class at Temptation University?

You know, if I were handling your patient's case, he would be well on his way to my dinner table by now. Why didn't you use the tactic of Fear to waylay him? Surely, you knew that Fratri's patient gave your patient very specific instructions for keeping his employment and status so Fear is the most obvious tactic that would work very well. Are you really so worthless that your patient was willing to endure many terrors from Fratri's patient's administration and even parish in order to communicate with the Enemy and teach Pavo's patient to do the same? I'm telling you, if I was working with your patient instead of enjoying all the perks of my low position, he would have undoubtedly kept his head down and his mouth shut like I wanted him too.

Why didn't you use the tactic of Indifference when it comes to how your patient feels about his suffering compatriots? I mean sure, the native inhabitants of the Enemy's chosen country are living under extreme duress—which I prefer—while your patient works at his nice cozy little job in Fratri's patient's administration, as Pavo's patient's tutor, but why should your patient care about the rabble? What business is it of his? Unfortunately, the Enemy has always claimed to have other ways in which He could deliver His ranks from my talons, so why should your patient be the one to risk his life?

Why didn't you use the tactic of Doubting the Enemy? That should have been the greatest weapon in your arsenal because of the delightfully despairing times that your patient lives in. Haven't the Enemy's ranks been crushed, persecuted, and killed in every way for a very long time? Of course, they have. So, isn't there only one logical conclusion? Obviously, the Enemy doesn't care about the vermin in His camp or, even better, He is powerless to help them.

So, how could you allow your patient to get the idea that he could trust Him? How did he come to believe that His weapon will work? After all, the Enemy has been absent for a very long time so how could your varmint possibly think that He has His ranks' best interest in mind unless you simply got lazy?

He certainly doesn't have my best interests in mind.

And what about the tactic of Bitterness? I really enjoy watching Bitterness come to fruition—at least when it's applied correctly—because it generally takes a long time to ripen and I get years and years of laughter out of it. I'm telling you, you should have used your patient's interest in history to suggest that he pine for the horrible old days of superstitious Enemy-dependence and be disgusted and dissatisfied with his life among varmints who don't acknowledge the Enemy's existence.

Of course, I see that you attempted to use the tactic of Bitterness, but you completely bungled it. Instead of making your patient feel depressed and hopeless, like a proper rendering of the tactic would have done, you allowed him to be galvanized into action to return to those terrible old-fashioned days of reliance on the Enemy.

And that, you imbecilic cretin, is why your patient sought out that hideous ancient, but unfortunately still very applicable, weapon that he found and passed on to Pavo's patient.

I mean really, how could you be so stupid?

Now, just one more thing before I sign off. I really can't help but to remind you of the fact that your record is absolutely shameful for a little demon who watches over a varmint in a teaching position. Don't you know that since your patient watches over and instructs a younger varmint, it must be on your head if either your patient or your colleague's patient fails to end up on my dinner platters? Didn't you know that you're responsible? _Didn't you know that_?

I bet that you didn't know that because you're as worthless a cretin as I ever gave a diploma too.

You know, whenever I compare your work with Fratri's work, I feel like exploding with rage. Unlike you, Fratri has done a marvelous job of convincing his patient that his house doesn't need to be built by Enemy's specific instructions. By comparison, due your lousy work, Pavo's patient continue in his superstitious beliefs about leading his own family to believe in the Enemy.

I mean seriously, because of your atrocious work, Pavo's patient has the hideous idea that the Enemy should watch over His own chosen country instead of me. I'm telling you, Fratri has done a brilliant job of keeping that terrible idea out of his patient's head. Because of Fratri's work, no military in this horrible world could ever keep me from infiltrating the Enemy's chosen country as long as his patient is in charge.

I just crack up when a varmint thinks that their own strength can keep me out. I mean really, what a joke.

So why didn't you follow your colleague's lead? I mean seriously, the possibility of Pavo's patient's leadership makes me livid with rage and you can be sure that I'll be writing to both he and Fratri about my plans to prevent that scenario from happening.

Of course, it would be much simpler for me if you'd taken care of business on your own because then I wouldn't have to write as many letters to avert the possibility of impending disaster that you created and I wouldn't have to write to you to correct your mistakes.

On the other hand, did you know that I'm always willing to communicate with my worthless employees whenever they need my awesome assistance? After all, I'm not like the Enemy, who remains silent while His ranks cry out for His help year after year and, even better, I'll always tell you what you want to here.

Of course, right now, I'm sick and tired of telling you about all the things that you've done wrong and about how you're such a moron. I mean really, do you suppose that I have endless patience? Do you actually think that I care if you succeed?

I'm telling you, it's only because I care about you so much that I'm willing to put up with all the headaches that you've given me. Well, that and the fact that I want to have a complete record of your stupidity written out for the dinner party that I'm inviting you to be eaten. Now, pardon me, I must get my ovens ready. Your patient is old so I'm sure that you'll be coming down soon.

The Loathsome, Frightening, Power-Hungry,

Tash

(all honor and glory to me)

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><p><strong>Author's Notes: <strong>Before I move on to this letter's notes, I wanted to answer an anonymous reviewer's point about King Ram's chapter. I don't think that we can definitively say that there were only ten generations between Caspian I and Caspian X because the three descendants that we know about after Caspian X are named Rilian, Erlian, and Tirian. I was just assuming that there could have been other non-Caspian kings before Caspian X.

Now, back to Dr. Cornelius. First off, please note the change in the closing salutation. We've come to a new Narnian Era so, as usual, I changed it. I'll use this one throughout the reign of Caspian X (Prince Caspian, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, and the Silver Chair).

Next, Fratri is Miraz's demon and Pavo is Caspian's demon. As Tash states, they'll both get letters so I'll explain them when I get to them.

As promised Susan's Horn plays a significant role in this chapter. I think that while Dr. Cornelius plays some role in the story after the Pevensies return, his most significant contribution is finding the Horn so I wrote the letter from that perspective. I picture him looking out over his homeland and desperately wanting to return to the Golden Age of yesteryear. As he begins plotting a way to return to that era, he discovers that the first step to be taken should be prayer (which is what the Horn represents). He realizes that whatever the second, third, and fourth steps are, they would be useless if first step wasn't prayer. Thus the Horn is found before the Pevensies return or the prayer is offered up before the answer is received.

I think that Dr. Cornelius represents a mix of Mr. Tumnus and the Beavers in the Caspian Era and thereby connects the two eras together and gives more fluidity to the Tash Files. Like Mr. Tumnus, Dr. Cornelius goes against the specific instructions of the evil regime that he "works" for in hopes of bringing a better future to Narnia and suffer the consequences for their actions. Yes, Tumnus is martyred while Dr. Cornelius is not, but I don't think that anyone would disagree that he would have been killed if Miraz had ever gotten around to it.

Like the Beavers, it doesn't appear that he ever met Aslan but he believes that He is who He says He is and he mentors the future leader, who knows next to nothing about the Great Lion, and teaches him to pray.

I also think that he is the Narnian Queen Esther because he lives in the palace, is of a different nationality than the ruling Telmarines, and has to hide that fact in order to get his job.

This brings me to my demon name, Quisling. He is named for Vidkun Quisling, a Jewish Norwegian politician and officer during WWII. He held various government positions during the interwar years and helped form a national-socialist party in Norway that was structured similarly too and sympathetic with the German Nazi party. When Germany invaded Norway in 1940, Quisling was the first person in history to announce a coup during a news broadcast after the Norwegian King, Haakon VII, was forced to flee. Given that his party held Nazi sympathies, Quisling hoped to be given a high position in the new Nazi government and he was named Minister President (as opposed to Prime Minister) in 1942 because it was thought that having a Norwegian in a high position would help pacify the general population. For his collaboration with the enemy government, Quisling was executed by firing squad in 1945 and has become one of WWII's most infamous traitors. I think Tash would have wanted Dr. Cornelius to collaborate with Miraz's government instead of teaching Caspian about Aslan and the "old" way of doing things.

**Bible verses**: Jdg. 21:25; Luke 21:34-35; John 8:44; 2 Chron. 7:14; Isa. 61:1-4; Luke 4:17-21; Psalm 145:18; Prov. 15:29; Phil. 4:6; Rom. 8:26-27; Matt. 26:26-28; Mark 14:22-24; Luke 22:19-20; Rom. 6:8-11; Heb. 9:15; Matt. 10:29-30; Luke 12:6-7; Heb. 13:8; 1 Cor. 2:9; 2 Cor. 10:5; Matt. 6:24; Luke 16:13; Est. 4:12-16; 2 Cor. 4:8-9; Psalm 121:1-2; Eph. 3:20; John 16:33; Eph. 3:17-19; Matt. 18:6; Luke 17:2-3; Psalm 127:1; Matt. 7:24-27; 2 Cor. 12:9-10


	18. Trumpkin 1

**Author's Note**: Trumpkin is the first of three characters who appear in multiple books. Due to the extreme difficulty of dealing with such characters with one letter apiece, I'm splitting them up according to how many books that they're in. This letter deals with Prince Caspian Trumpkin; Silver Chair Trumpkin will be dealt with later on.

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><p>My Dear Pyrrho,<p>

The report that I just received from you can't be correct. I refuse to believe it. I mean really, I just knew that you'd pull a dumb unrealistic joke like this when you racked up all those years of truancy at Temptation University.

Now, don't get me wrong, I get it, I really do. Undoubtedly, you got bored with your previously productive work so you decided that you'd liven things up a little by sending a bogus report about the return of the four hideous Human varmints from another world who used to rule the Enemy's chosen country.

Of course, I applauded your great lie, but I can't condone the calamity that your note caused down here. I'm a very busy Devil and I run a tight ship so I can't tolerate such insolent behavior. I mean really, everyone down here knows that the Enemy can't bring someone back to this world after He sends them back to the other place.

At any rate, given the inconvenient nature of your message, I immediately dispatched one of my secret henchmen to determine just how good at lying you really are.

Well, much to my rage, I discovered that you had, in fact, been very truthful in your report and, even worse, the Enemy has indeed broken with His longstanding precedent by returning those four despicable Human varmints from another world who used to rule His chosen country. Then, to top it all off, you got lazy and allowed your delightfully skeptical patient to meet them.

May my bolt fall on you from above for this terrible indiscretion.

Don't you know what could happen if your patient spends any time with those four Enemy-indoctrinated Humans? Can you even fathom the terrible superstitions that they could fill his head with?

Well, never mind all of that. I want to reassure you that all is not lost. You can still bring this unfortunate situation under control and successfully bring your patient down to my dinner table. Naturally, of course, I'm willing to lend you my awesome advice so that you can do just that.

I'm telling you, it's only thanks to my terrific advice and timing that your patient hasn't believed all the folklore about the Enemy or the four loathsome Humans from another world who used to rule here. Unfortunately, His chosen country has always been a cesspit for His terrible influence but, when it comes to your patient, He is "out of sight, out of mind".

Of course, now that your patient has met those four loathsome punks from another world who used to rule here, it'll be impossible for you to convince him that they're a myth. Well, no matter, he hasn't met the Enemy and it is His existence that is critical for you to keep out of his mind. If he starts believing all those terrible rumors about the Enemy and His past activities, then you'll be in serious danger of blowing your assignment and I'll have to invite you down for dinner.

Well, let me begin my corrections with a little history lesson so that you might be able to comprehend how you went from doing a decent job to having your assignment start to crumble before my eyes. I mean really, watching your recent activity has been like watching your patient start to become a horrible stench for the Enemy's enjoyment.

This atrocity reminds me of how my last great productive era was waylaid by the Enemy's interference. I'm telling you, no varmint in His chosen country had seen or heard from Him for a whole century and I was able to capitalize on that splendid circumstance by gorging on many tasty varmint souls. Well, do you know what happened? The end result was actually quite similar to your own situation so you would have done well to invest in your Temptation University History book.

Well, since I know that you never bought any books or attended any classes during your years and my most prestigious school, I'll tell you why this situation reminds me of what happened to my last great productive era. After a whole century of my side making headway in the Enemy's chosen country, two of your moronic ancient colleagues got overconfident and slacked off on their assignments. Their apathetic attitudes allowed their patients to fix their eyes of the Enemy, even though they'd never actually met Him.

I'm telling you, isn't that the dumbest thing that you've ever heard of? I mean, why would a stupid varmint trust someone who they'd never met? I'm telling you, I have long suspected that because your two ancient colleagues got so lazy, their patients were secretly communicating with the Enemy and thus, in fact, had actually made His acquaintance.

I mean really, that's the worst part about being in charge of inept employees. If the Enemy doesn't seem to be right up in your face, threatening you at every moment, you decide that He is taking a nap and then you decide that you can rest on your talons.

Don't you know that when the Enemy seems inactive, it's the perfect time to make headway against Him? And, don't you know that He never actually takes naps? It's a very mundane elementary fact, so why didn't you learn it, even though you never attended class at Temptation University?

I mean really, it's the vermin of this awful world who ought to believe that the Enemy takes naps and doesn't care about their troubles or dreams and that I take naps and won't bother them or harm them, but even my most imbecilic employees should know better.

I intend to prowl around this horrid little world and eat every varmint soul that I can get my talons on.

And do you know what makes your laziness even more egregious? The awful weapon that Pavo's patient used to incite the Enemy's interference used to belong to that sensuous older Female ruler who just returned with her despicable relations.

I'm telling you, I exploded with rage when your patient finally accepted that those four awful Human varmints from another world who used to rule here were who they claimed to be because of the signs and wonders that they performed in front of him. I mean sure, it's not every day that the Enemy sends vermin into this world from that other place, but didn't the vermin who don't acknowledge the Enemy's existence come from that other world too? So, why didn't you suggest that the four terrible Human varmints who used to rule here are just more of the same crew?

Surely your patient wouldn't have stuck around to learn what they had to teach him if he believed that they would harm him or make his life even more miserable.

Or you could have suggested that their reappearance was just some crazy coincidence. I certainly don't see any reason for him to learn that the vermin who come from the other world can only come here if the Enemy Himself calls them. I mean, any excuse would have been better than your patient connecting their reappearance with that horrendous weapon that used to belong to that gorgeous older Female ruler.

I mean really, what if your patient decides to try using that awful weapon to communicate with the Enemy about his own problems and dreams? I'm telling you, you'll be under one of my dinner platters so fast that you wouldn't know which way is up and which way is down if that happened.

Of course, given your recent record, I suspect that you've forgotten which direction that I want your patient to be moving in anyway.

Now, given the vast difference in our intelligence levels, I know that for me to suggest these tactics and for you to implement them are too different things. You have always had a pretty spotty record when it comes to suggesting alternative opinions for your patient to follow. I mean, there are just some varmints who he doesn't need to hang out with and others who he should hang out with more.

For instance, Ream has done an absolutely pathetic job with his patient. I have long suspected that he has forgotten everything that I taught him about being a modern progressive little tempter because his patient remembers and, even worse, actually believes the old superstitions about the four horrid Human varmints from another world who used to rule here and, worst of all, the ones about the Enemy and His past activities.

On the other hand, Carios's has been doing some very productive work with his patient. I'm telling you, your tiny colleague has done a fantastic job of sucking the life, faith, and virtue out of his patient. Of course, I must warn you, while his patient is a strong example for your patient to learn from, Carios has been so productive that if your patient continues to hang out with his patient, you could actually end up ruining his fine work.

If that happens, you can be assured that fireballs would explode from my beak.

Of course, above all varmints, you must keep your patient as far away from Oxiana's patient as possible. I'm telling you, it just infuriates me that your colleague's bite has failed to poison his patient and weaken his spirit and his influence on everyone who meets him.

Well, mark my words, I'll be writing to all of your colleagues so that your efforts will be more synchronized. After all, when do my little demons every work together? They don't. They just do what I tell them to do.

At any rate, with the return of those four infernal Humans from another world who used to rule the Enemy's chosen country, you'll have to really be on your talons. Unfortunately, they've met the Enemy on numerous occasions and they will, undoubtedly, be obnoxious in their attempts to sway your patient to believe all the things that He brainwashed them to believe. The best way to counter this is to suggest that your patient accept that the Enemy did indeed exist during their disastrous reign and taught them all sorts of despicable things, but that He either died long ago or is so old that He is no longer active, much less productive.

It shouldn't be difficult to make this suggestion believable because, quite obviously, His influence nowadays is delightfully lacking.

You should also suggest that your patient pity those four terrible Humans varmints from another world who used to rule here when they spout off all the things that they remember about their long ago pitiful reign; if he pities them for their simply ways then he'll be less likely to become interested in learning from them.

I mean really, nostalgia is quaint, but what good is it? Isn't the Enemy's chosen country a much more savage place now? So what could be practical about remembering a more pathetically Enemy-influenced era? Certainly, there is no value in your patient finding out that the Enemy has remained the same in every era. Certainly, there is no point in him discovering that the things that He did to interfere with my last great productive era are the same things that He will try to use to thwart me now.

I mean really, the past is in the past, right? Why dredge it back up? Who cares?

I'm telling you, this great new modern era is such a fruitful place for my designs to flourish. So many varmints in today's society have forgotten about contacting the Enemy and, thanks to my vigilance, you're patient is one of them. Luckily for you, I'm sure that he thinks that talking to the nonexistent Enemy is the same as talking to the ceiling.

Another reason that makes this society a fertile place for me to operate is because a varmint's actions depend on their opinion about what is right or wrong or good or bad or true or false. Since most vermin in today's society know that nothing is ever always good or bad or wrong or right or true or false they are, quite naturally, unable to act in favor or opposition to anything. And, of course, if they are forced to act, they do so in accordance with the laws, customs, or prevailing opinions of their country which are always obliged to change from era to era while the things that the Enemy likes and dislikes have remained the same from the very first day.

Now, this brings up a critical flaw in your patient's behavior. I'm concerned about your lack of ability to fully convince him that there is a real difference between right and wrong and good and bad and true and false. I'm telling you, I just cracked up when Carios's patient suggested that the Enemy's ranks call up the old friend who I had leading my ground attack during my last great productive era. But I'm furious that your patient disagreed so vehemently. I'm telling you, fireballs exploded from my mouth when that happened.

Do you know what else infuriates me about your patient? He is entirely to willing to follow orders, even when he doesn't agree with them. I mean seriously, you wouldn't even be in this mess if you'd had the brains to enact a little Arrogance into your patient's attitude. Didn't he tell Pavo's patient that he didn't believe in the existence of the Enemy or those four terrible Human varmints from another world who used to rule here? _Didn't he_? Well, how come you were too inept to suggest that he simply walk away when Pavo's patient failed to be understanding about his legitimate opinion?

I mean really, how judgmental of Pavo's patient. That young Human brat thinks that he should rule the Enemy's chosen country instead of Fratri's patient, but he isn't the least bit sensitive towards opinions that are different from his own. Don't you think that a leader should take everyone's opinion into account instead of leading in a way that he was brainwashed to believe the Enemy would like? Didn't the Enemy create a free country? Surely, He would understand if some varmint disagreed with the way that He ordered things to be done on the very first day. Surely, He wouldn't want the Human varmints who lead His chosen country to run roughshod over everyone else.

I mean, that's why I've fought so long and hard to keep the vermin who don't acknowledge the Enemy's existence in charge of His chosen country; His own ranks are much too intolerant to lead such a modern nation.

But, of course, in the unlikely event that the Enemy is lucky enough to one day slip someone back on the throne of His chosen country who likes Himself more than me during your patient's lifetime, you should still suggest that your patient follow that despicable varmint's orders to the letter. After all, no varmint has ever been able to figured out the Enemy's logic so if your patient does exactly what he's told every single time then, at some point, he'll probably get in the Enemy's way and, with any luck, His plans for this horrendous world will be ruined.

But, I'm getting ahead of myself. I'm telling you, It would have been really funny to watch Pavo's patient and the other vermin in the Enemy's camp just sitting around waiting for that gorgeous older Female's weapon to work while your patient went home to kick up his feet and smoke his pipe. It would've also been funny to watch those four awful Human varmints from another world coming back to their old stomping grounds without a clue as to what to do because your patient went home instead of meeting them? I mean really, if I had even the smallest bit of luck, they would have hooked up with Fratri's patient's side and killed Pavo's patient for being the usurper that he is.

Of course, you can still encourage your patient to walk away. After all, it's never too late to walk away from the Enemy's side. But you'd better move fast because if he gets taken in by the ridiculous stories about Him, it will be difficult to encourage him to walk away.

You have three options when it comes to suggesting reasons for your patient to walk away. First, you could suggest that he not only privately believe that the Enemy is dead or impotent but also regularly make his opinion known. With any luck, he'll exasperate the four Human varmints who know Him so well and then maybe they'll decide to dump him. I mean really, why should they hang out with an uppity little snot who keeps talking about things that he knows nothing about? Oh my me, it would be so hilarious if the four terrible Human varmints from another world who used to rule here had forgotten all about the Enemy's instructions to treat the vermin who don't believe in Him gently.

I mean really, He has this dumb idea that someone who doesn't believe in His existence or deeds might change their mind if His ranks don't ridicule them for their delightful ignorance.

I don't think that it's unreasonable for them to have forgotten either. Oh sure, the Enemy seems to have the power to call them out of their own world, but He is certainly not in their world to remind them about what He taught them here. I mean, isn't it enough for Him to run this world? He can't run more than one of these terribly lame planets.

Of course, it is curious how those four horrid Human varmints from another world who used to rule here have come back under the guise of innocent children, isn't it? Well, they don't fool me; I know that they are very dangerous Enemy agents.

At any rate, secondly, you could suggest that your patient become angry with their tiresome patronization. I mean really, why should he put up with that kind of treatment? He is not a child like they so obviously are. What's that name that they've labeled him with again? Something about DLF? And, why do they force him to address them as if they were royalty? I mean, they're only children.

Thirdly, you could suggest that your patient become disenchanted with their childish squabbles. I've noticed that they aren't always in agreement, particularly on the subject of what the Enemy wishes for them to do. Now, doesn't it seem as if His ranks should always agree on everything because that would be the most obvious proof that He was actually leading them? If His own followers disagree about the direction that He is leading them then I would say that He is, in fact, far away from them.

Isn't that just like Him anyway? Far away when His ranks need Him.

Of course, unfortunately, squabbles amongst His ranks are not, in and of themselves, evidence that He is far away. After all, He is their head and, unfortunately, He is not easily separated from His body. It may be fun to provoke these types of fights among His ranks, but it's not always particularly productive. And, of course, those four despicable Human varmints from another world who used to rule the Enemy's chosen country know His habits, moods, and instructions far too well to be swayed away from His path for very long. You better be on you're on your talons, you worthless fool, because they will lead your patient right to Him if you don't watch out.

Do you know what will happen if that happens? Outrageously large fireballs will explode from my beak. I'm telling you, you'll be roasted alive even before you get to my ovens.

Well, anyway, I'm pretty sick of writing to you because, well, just because. So let me leave you with this word of warning: you'd better get your patient back on the wide and crooked path before I get another daily update from my secret employees. I've been salivating over that delectably skeptical varmint for a long time and I'll be absolutely livid if he doesn't eventually wind up on my dinner table.

The Loathsome, Frightening, Power-Hungry,

Tash

(all honor and glory to me)

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><p><strong>Author's Notes<strong>: First off, I must apologize for the outrageous delay in getting this chapter up. I've been insanely busy with life stuff.

Next, to answer an anonymous reviewer: Yes, I admit, I went more movie verse in the King Ram chapter. It was necessary and, I believe, completely plausible. The Telmarines were in the Narnian world before the Pevensies came (according to the timeline) and the Narnians would have been stunned by their tetrarchs' disappearance and ripe for the taking. I think that you have to take the timeline with a grain of salt, even though Lewis created it. Using Swanwhite as an example, the Last Battle places her before the Great Winter while the timeline has her after the Pevensie's Golden Age.

Ream is Trufflehunter's demon, Carios is Nikabrik's demon, and Oxiana is Reepicheep's demon. I had some fun by giving you hints as to these demon's personalities, physical attributes, and how they'll tempt their patients. Think about it and see if you can figure it out before I write their letters.

I decided to approach Trumpkin, Trufflehunter, and Nikabrik by looking at their potential prayer lives (or how they react to Susan's Horn). I think that Trumpkin represents someone who doesn't pray or believe in God so, quite naturally, he would discount using the Horn, even when things got tough.

When Caspian blows the Horn and Trumpkin goes off to see if the Pevensie appear, it's like a Christian leader sending up a prayer and the patriotic unbeliever going off to find the answer, even though he assumes none will come. In other words, he goes out of duty to Caspian not because he expects Aslan will answer the prayer. Can you just hear him snickering and scoffing and questioning Caspian's leadership qualities/skills as he makes his way to Cair Paravel's ruins?

Of course, then the most stunning thing happens to him. Caspian's prayer is answered and answered in such a way that he can't contribute it to anything but an answered prayer.

I also think that Tumpkin (the first creature that the Pevensies meet on their second trip to Narnia) is meant recall, by contrasting them, the Beavers (the first creatures that the Pevensies meet on their first trip to Narnia). Both live in a country that has outlawed the worship of Aslan and His followers face persecution, often to the point of death—but there reactions to the Pevensies is opposite.

The Beavers know all about Aslan, even though they've never seen Him. They also know the ancient prophecies concerning the end of the White Witch's rule and, upon the Pevensies' arrival, immediately recognize them as the fulfillment of those prophecies and the answer to their, no doubt, many prayers for deliverance.

Trumpkin, by contrast, appears not to have learned about and communicated with Aslan and thus, when the Pevensies reappear, he doesn't recognize them as the answer to Caspian's prayer for help; they have to prove themselves to him.

Another thing that I think is interesting about the Prince Caspian book is the growth of the Pevensies. When they meet the Beavers, they're clueless about Aslan and the Beavers function as their mentors. However, on their return, it's Trumpkin who is clueless about Aslan and tetrarch become his mentors. The students have become the teachers.

Pyrrho was a Greek philosopher (360-270 BC) who founded the school of skepticism. He taught that it is impossible to arrive at a knowledge of truth because everyone has a different idea of what truth is, as if was a matter of opinion.

For Pyrrho, this philosophy extends beyond regular daily issues unto theological ones too. His ultimate goal was a state of apathy (or tranquility, since Tash likes those nice soft words). Although, he does allow for the necessity of not getting in trouble with earthy authorities, he would say that since no belief, like belief in the existence of God, is a certainty, acting on that believe is futile.

By contrast, the philosopher, St. Augustine (354-430 AD) says that we can know that God exists and what His character is via our senses, our rational, and the testimony of others and ourselves. He also notes, our "inner knowledge" that is our conscience. In other words, our conscience tells us what's right and wrong, true and false, and good and bad, our senses and rational often proves that our conscience is right, and testimonies from others confirm that both our senses, mind, and conscience have not lied to us. Then we go out and confirm others' Christian belief with our own testimonies.

Telmarine Narnian culture legitimizes apathy among the "Old Narnians"; if they want to stay safe, they make as little noise as possible. At the same time, Trumpkin's conscience tells him to make noise. He may not acknowledge Aslan's existence in the beginning, but Aslan is close by waiting, as He did with Prince Cor, for the opportunity to speak with him. The opportunity comes when Caspian prays and the Pevensies answer.

More explanation to follow in the later Trumpkin letter.

**Bible verses**: 2 Cor. 2:15-16; Heb: 11;1, 12:2-3; Psalm 121:3-4; 2 Peter 1:21; Psalm 91:15; Isa. 58:9; John 4:48; 2 Cor. 2:17; Matt. 6:9-13; Luke 11:1-4; Ecc. 4:9-12; Matt. 18:20; Heb. 12:1, 13:8; John 17:1-26; Rom. 15:4; 1 Cor. 2:9; Luke 23:39-43; 1 Cor. 3:18-20; Heb. 5:12-14; Eph. 4:2-3; Col. 4:2-6; Matt.18:2-5; Acts 2:42-47; Eph: 4:3-6; Col. 1:18-20; 1 Cor. 12:12-27; Rev. 2:1-7; Matt. 7:7-8; Rev. 3:20; Matt. 7:13-14


	19. Trufflehunter

My Dear Ream,

Do you remember the great speech that I gave when you and your despicable colleagues graduated from Temptation University? I told you all that my splendid goal for this terrible world was to one day convince all the vermin that the Enemy created to forget His noxious qualities and supposed past activities and to finally realize that He and I are very like-minded and that, in fact, we are actually one and the same.

I'm quite sure that you remember my great speech because, quite frankly, who could forget anything that a great Devil like me would say? Also, I remember quite vividly that you and all my other employees jumped right up and gave me the standing ovation that I so obviously deserved. Thirdly, I remember that you were the one who cheered the loudest.

Of course, ever since my glorious speech, I see that you've forgotten everything about it because your haphazard on-the-job performance is the shame of my country. I mean really, if you'd been taking care of business, your patient wouldn't remember the old-fashioned simple ways of a bygone pathetically Enemy-influenced era.

I'm telling you, if only you had the sense to take advantage of the leadership that the vermin who don't acknowledge the Enemy's existence provide for His chosen country. They've done such a fabulous job for my side by creating conditions where worship of Himself is either taboo or downright illegal so if you'd worked more closely with your brilliant colleague, Fratri, you might have been able to retrain your patient to hold onto more temporary tangible things.

I mean really, give me perishable substance to believe in any day.

You know, I was livid when your patient embraced Pavo's patient as the heir to the Enemy's chosen country's throne when that Human brat showed up with one of the Enemy's favorite weapons. Your tiny colleague Carios tried to help you out by inciting his patient against Pavo's patient, but your patient actually fought against the idea instead of amicably accepting the opinions of his two roommates and so-called friends.

I'm telling you, I just crack up when the vermin confuse the horrible virtue of Peace with the more productive ideas of Tolerance or Indifference.

Why didn't you suggest that Pavo's patient was just more of the same crew as Fratri's patient? After all, it's a perfectly legitimate assumption because they are, in fact, related, aren't they? Of course, they are. I mean really, Pavo's patient would be six feet under if you'd followed Carios' lead.

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't mind your patient's historical idea that the Human vermin should rule the Enemy's chosen country just as much as the next nostalgic fool but I also remember that my best era came about when my old friend, a non-Human, mind you, ruled His chosen country with a wand and lots of stone statues.

I also know all that stuff about the magic from before the dawn of time and all, but I don't see any reason why your patient needs remember it. It's all just a bunch of silly nonsense anyway. Why should he waste his time? It would be much more convenient for me if he only bothered with the magic that started when time dawned.

And, really, is learning about the past necessary at all? Isn't it enough for the measly vermin to just slog through their own terrible lives in the here and now? Is the past even relevant in today's savage world?

It's just so pathetic and useless for your patient to remember and live by the rules of a bygone Enemy-influenced era but, to make matters even worse, your laziness has allowed him to go around trying to convince other vermin to believe the same nonsense that he does. It would be much better if he had just gotten tired of all his compatriots' delightful Faithlessness and decided to leave society to live out his days in solitary confinement. If I had it my way, he would have kept all his faith, hope, and love to himself, instead of being a bothersome badger to all the other vermin.

After all, clearly the Enemy has forsaken His ranks because they've done something terribly wrong, so why should your patient waste his time by continually suggesting that his compatriots also have the terrible virtue of Patience and all the other awful things that are associated with it? I mean really, if you weren't such a blithering idiot, your patient would realize that the Enemy's relationship with His ranks has changed.

Undoubtedly, over these last centuries, He has made it clear that He won't be making Himself so accessible anymore and I intend to keep on taking full advantage of that.

But now let me make another point about your patient's roommates and so-called friends. Fortunately for me, your small colleague Carios knows that my wrath is far worse than anything that the Enemy can dish out so he works overtime to drain off all that despicable living water that, unfortunately, refreshes your patient each and every day.

On the other hand, your colleague Pyrrho has been struggling lately and, unfortunately, it's your fault. If his patient hadn't been subjected to your patient's constant harping about his own silly personal beliefs, then maybe his patient would still be a splendid doubter.

Of course, your shoddy work isn't the only thing that as recently interfered with my great plans for the Enemy's awful creation. I'll bet that you didn't know this because you're such a diligent capable little demon that you just haven't taken time to pick your nose up off the grindstone but, unfortunately, the Enemy has broken His promise to never return to this world Humans varmints from another world who have been here before.

Yes, that's right, you moronic little fool, He has brought back Human vermin from another world who have been here before and, unfortunately, it's the four terrible Human varmints who used to rule His chosen country.

I'm telling you, I don't understand it at all. The last time that those worthless punks were here, rampaging though His chosen country, they were terrible loathsome warriors in His army but now that they've reappeared, they're only puny children. Well, mark my words, if you're so worthless as to ignore the very serious threat that they pose to my great plans, then I'll have you plucked and boiled in sulfur and brimstone.

O my me, can you imagine what your patient will think if he gets the chance to meet the four awful Human varmints who used to rule here? Because of your lacks attitude, he'll probably think that their reappearance is a sign of the Enemy's so-called mercy and justice because that is the pretext that He used the last time that He brought them here and He is too pathetic to create a new excuse for their return.

Of course, if I'm lucky, then those four awful Human varmints from another world who used to rule here will have forgotten about the Enemy's past activities just as much as your patient remembers them. Wouldn't that be a splendid shock for him if it happened?

You know, if you weren't such an idiot then you wouldn't have forgotten the most basic rule in devilry: the Enemy's willingness to tell lies about what He has supposedly done in the past and break His promises about the present and the future is something that you have to constantly guard against. I'm telling you, how could anyone call me the Father of Lies when He has recently proven that He Himself deserves that title.

Won't it be hilarious when my side convinces the vermin in His camp that He and I are actually one and the same?

But I digress. Let me move on to a third point of correction. I'm just positive that the old weapon that Quisling's patient found and Pavo's patient used has something to do with your inability to do your job effectively. After all, possession of this weapon allows a varmint to have direct secret conversations with the Enemy, regardless of the laws of the land and, quite frankly, I've never ruled out the fact that your patient might have gotten his paws on it before Quisling's patient did.

What with your lazy conduct, I'm sure that such a dubious task would be simple for such a disgustingly brainwashed varmint like your patient.

Do you remember when, in your old History class at Temptation University, your esteemed professor taught your class that the weapon in question used to belong to that sensuous older Female who used to rule here and just returned with her terrible relations? I bet that you don't remember because no employee of mine would be so dumb as to sit in a desk at my most prestigious school. Well, just because I care about you so much, let me give you a little review.

After that hot older Female ruler and her horrible relations left many centuries ago I, being the smart Devil that I am, realized that she'd left her frustratingly potent weapon behind for anyone to stumble upon. Well, do you know about the great plan that I devised? Of course, you don't. You're much to stupid to have bought a History book and studied that awful chapter. Well, anyway, I hurriedly made plans for one of my secret employees to retrieve and destroy the weapon before it could cause my side any more aggravation but, unfortunately, it mysteriously disappeared before my idiot employee could find it.

Can you imagine the fireball that exploded from my beak after I got that horrid news?

Now here's the curious part. For many centuries, I suspected that the weapon was hidden away in the southern country that the Enemy loves because the rulers of that terrible weakling country have remained well-acquainted with Himself and His old-fashioned ways even as His chosen country opted to let go of their memories of Him.

Isn't that why Quisling's patient directed Pavo's patient toward their leader before he ran into that tree and was found by your patient and Pyrrho and Carios's patients? Didn't Quisling's old patient say that those awful leaders in the southern country that the Enemy loves would sympathize with Pavo's patient if he tried to return His chosen country to the all that nonsense that He likes.

Well, you know who else sympathized with that Pavo's little brat? Your patient sympathized with him, that's who. I'm telling you, the only conclusion that I can come up with is that your patient, or one of his horrid relations, found out where the horrid weapon was being hidden and then decided to burrow under the border to obtain and then saved it for a time when someone like Quisling's old patient would come poking around after it.

And, of course, while your patient and his kinsmen were waiting around for some varmint to come looking for that ghastly weapon, and actually expecting this whole horrible new episode to start, they must have had time to get familiar with the weapon and, who knows, they probably used it too. Who knows? I bet that you don't.

I mean really, isn't that a cheap shot? Undoubtedly, the border controls that Fratri's patient has set up along the pass leading to the southern country that the Enemy loves would have stopped Quisling's washed-up patient but, with your lazy effort, I bet that your patient could tunnel under the border and back before you even knew he was gone.

Well, you can take this to the bank, you worthless moron, if I ever find out that your patient or any his kind had anything to do with Quisling's patient's recovery of that despicable weapon, then I'll skin you alive, boil your bones, and fry your flesh. In fact, just now, I'm going to send one of my most formidable secret employees to check for holes near the border that your patient might have dug.

Then I'll know just how good a liar you really are.

I'm telling you, the secret communications with the Enemy that your patient has undoubtedly had is precisely what confounds my side about vermin in His camp. Didn't Fratri's patient and his mighty ancestors create a perfectly scrumptious country without bothering about the Enemy opinion? So why does your patient and his relations continue to hold onto the boring notion that the Enemy is a control freak who likes to bother about His ranks?

If you were worth your salt, you'd have convinced him that he too could get through his measly existence just as well, if not better, without being concerned with the Enemy's opinion or His cumbersome old ways.

Now, before I sign off, I want to make sure that you don't misunderstand me, I really completely understand why you thought that you could slack off on your assignment. After all, the Enemy hasn't been a physical threat to my side in His chosen country since long before you graduated from Temptation University so it's completely reasonable for you to think that you could take it easy.

Then again, that also proves how inept you are because the Enemy is always lurking and you must always be ready to stand up against Him.

Of course, I, being the enlightened Devil that I am, have not slacked off, especially on my letter writing. Let me tell you, when one of my employees blows his assignment, I'm always the first one to tell him exactly what I think.

That being said, let me reassure you that this little mess that you've made can easily be mopped up and your future tempting can still become a shining example of how great I am. You only need to do exactly what I tell you.

I bet that patient thinks that he is really smart for trusting the Enemy to interfere with all my great plans in His own time? Am I right? Of course, I am. I also bet that he is congratulating himself for holding on to the Enemy and interpreting His plans correctly even though so many of his compatriots didn't do that. I'm right again, aren't I? Of course, I am. Let me tell you, I applaud him for his aptitude.

But I also suggest something. Why should he continue on with his silly notions about the Enemy and those dreadful superstitions about His past activities? I mean, hasn't this latest episode proven that he can rely on his own wits and cunning? Does he really need the Enemy to lead him now that he has pulled through my latest great productive era? Isn't he smart enough on his own now? I mean sure, when your patient was just a stupid little brat, he needed to remember the Enemy because he couldn't go on alone, but hasn't he progressed beyond the point of needing to rely on the Enemy for his daily bread?

I'm sure that, if you play your cards right, you can still deliver your varmint into my talons.

Of course, I must stress that these are only suggestions for you to repeatedly whisper in his ear. You are in no way obligated to believe them or enact them. I'm a very fair Devil so if you can come up with something better that will accomplish my goal of one day having myself seated on the Enemy's throne then, by all means, drop me a note and then attempt to pull it off.

Oh, my me, I just crack myself up sometimes. Imagine you, one of my most worthless employees, coming up with an idea that will get me seated on the Enemy's throne? I mean really, what a joke.

Well, so long loser, I've got more important things to do than trying to coach one of my most inept employees. For instance, just now, my ovens need stoking for the great meals that I'm currently anticipating. No doubt, one day, you'll join me as my dinner.

The Loathsome, Frightening, Power-Hungry,

Tash

(all honor and glory to me)

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><p><strong>Author's Notes<strong>: Trufflehunter tells us that the badgers remember the old ways and hang onto the past. He represents Narnia's memory and therefore, I think, is comparable to the Beavers, who remember the prophecies concerning the first coming of the Pevensies and recognize them when they arrive. Does anyone doubt that, had Trufflehunter been sent to Cair Paravel instead of Trumpkin, the Pevensies would not have had to prove who they were?

Ream is named for Retrograde Amnesia, which causes someone to lose their preexisting memories beyond ordinary forgetfulness, even though the person may still be able to create new memories of things that happened after the onset of the amnesia.

The idea here is that Ream would suggest that Trufflehunter forget the old ways and learn to live by the new Telmarine rules.

Relationship is a critical component to making memories whether it's with family, friends, co-workers, acquaintance, or someone else; you don't create memories with someone that you don't have any relationship with. Now, when we're talking about our relationship with God, our most fundamental relationship building tools are prayer and Bible study and since Aslan is seemingly not tangibly present during the in-between period and up till His return in PC, we have to assume that Trufflehunter, and the rest of the Badgers, have faithfully continued to pray despite the legal problems that might arise in Telmarine Narnia by doing so.

**Bible verses**: Matt. 6:19-21; 2 Cor. 4:18; Matt; 18:5; Rom. 12:13; 1 Cor. 13:13; Rom. 5:3-5; John: 4:14, 7:37-38; 2 Cor. 4:16; Matt: 18:3-4; Heb. 13:7-8; John: 8:44; Jere. 33:3; Rom. 8:26-27, 12:12; Lam. 3:22-24; 2 Cor. 4:17; Psalm 121:1-2; Matt. 11:28-30; Psalm 121:3-4; John 10:10; 1 Peter: 5:8; Matt. 7:1-5; Prov. 16:18; 1 Cor. 13:9-12; Eph.4:11-16; Heb.5:11-14; Matt. 6:9-13


	20. Nikabrik

My Dear Carios,

Well, done, my little parasite, well done. You fought the fight that I assigned to you and crossed the finish line with a scrumptious meal for me. Now your patient's soul is waiting out back in the darkness, where all the delightful weeping and gnashing of teeth takes place, while I write to you. When I'm finished, I intend to personally go and supervise his cooking to make sure that his suffering meets my expectations.

Then, obviously, I'll eat him.

Now, don't get me wrong, I haven't always been thrilled with your patient's downward progression. In fact, I was livid when he moved in with your idiot colleague Ream's patient because of the recent rumors about that varmint or one of his horrid kind bringing one of the Enemy's most frustrating weapons back to His chosen country.

I mean really, how could you have slipped up and allowed your patient to strike up a relationship with a varmint from the Enemy's camp?

Of course, due to my great interest in eating your patient, I was very concerned that you'd be consumed by all the pressure that comes with working for me in such an intense situation so, obviously, I moved in quickly to help you out.

Worship me for my benevolence, you foolish idiot, worship me.

Well, at any rate, for a time, all the reasons for my concern played out just the way that I suspected they would and your patient became interested in, not only, playing with the Enemy's weapon but also what He had to offer him.

Of course, luck was on your side because armed with my great experience, which I so benevolently shared with you, you were able to hide yourself well and hang onto him through all his superb struggles and he never actually found out that the Enemy's so-called love is, unfortunately, very wide, long, high, and deep.

I'm telling you, I've been screaming for generations about how just a little Doubt, Despair, Hate, and Bitterness is all that's needed to start degrading a varmint all the way down to my dinner table. Now, finally, an industrious little employee like you comes along and does a halfway decent job of making me look as great as I really am.

That proves that I was right all along; the amount of vice that it takes to start a varmint down the wide and slippery slope is equal to your own very small stature. Never forget how just a little depravity can work its way in and encourage a varmint to become Angry, Spiteful, and Vengeful toward their enemies and eventually, with any luck, their so-called friends as well.

Do you know how hard I laughed when your patient finally began to doubt the usefulness of the Enemy's terrible weapon and ridicule Ream's patient for his continuous insistence that the weapon was actually working, even though he could never offer any tangible proof?

I mean really, for how many centuries have the vermin who don't acknowledge the Enemy's existence ruled His chosen country? So why does Ream's awful patient keep insisting that his overactive imagination is right and your patient's eyes are wrong?

Some varmints are so naive.

Let me put it another way: Have you seen any lightning bolts striking down those great brutes who don't acknowledge the Enemy's existence? Have you heard of any curses raining down on them from His Country? Have you heard of any devastating plagues that wiped them out? Have you ever seen any other great malady that drove them away? Of course, you haven't. But isn't that what your patient asked for during that tense time when he was interested in playing with His old weapon?

So, of course, it's no wonder that he finally accepted the factual suggestion that I told you to give him about the Enemy's weapon being broken down. I mean, you know how these old toys get, don't you?

Luckily for you and, more importantly me, your patient was so taken in by that suggestion because he now sees the Enemy as more of a renown historical figure who is unable or unwilling to help His ranks in this much more savage modern era.

And I never saw any reason for your delicious-looking patient to find out that the Enemy isn't tame and, therefore, follows His own whims when He answers His own aggravatingly potent weapon. Sometimes He makes it His priority to interfere dramatically by calming the stormy situation that the vermin in His camp have gotten themselves into and, at other times, He chooses to interfere quietly by calming His pathetically whiny ranks.

Isn't that ridiculous? I mean really, my side had better be ready to take advantage of His whims. After all, what varmint in his right mind wants to be quietly calmed in the midst of a storm when the Enemy claims to be able to literally and dramatically calm the storm itself? I'm telling you, I have long suspected that the Enemy is a fraud and His claims are only a cover-up.

A second thing that made me laugh really hard is when I saw how easily you attached yourself to your patient because he wasn't wearing the Enemy's armor? I'm telling you, I bet that your patient's set of His armor is either sitting in his closet, completely rusted, or in some dump somewhere because he wouldn't wear clothes that don't fit for him.

I bet that you wouldn't have such an easy time holding onto Ream's patient because he never seems to forget to cover his whole body and he's constantly examining himself for little parasites like yourself.

Of course, your patient's choice of clothing isn't the only reason that I'm gleeful; his dietary choices are absolutely hilarious too. I mean really, he claims to be perfectly healthy because he eats a very balanced diet but that's the best joke around. Unbeknownst to him, you've been siphoning off his best nutrients for years.

Now, don't get me wrong, I think that it's perfectly scrumptious that your patient is a sick fool. In fact, sick fools are the only thing that is fit for consumption at my dinner table. But isn't it the funniest thing ever to watch as the Enemy provide him with the most sustaining meals that he could ever have and then you're allowed to drain it all away because your patient is both blind to your presence and the Enemy's presence.

I'm telling you, because you followed my brilliant advice, your patient finally stopped listening to the advice that Ream's hideous patient badgered him with and started walking with other varmints of a more splendidly despicable quality.

Who ever told Ream's know-it-all brat that your patient needed his help anyway? Doesn't he himself need help? Of course, he does. I mean really, everyone needs my help. So why did he feel the need to tell your patient all about what he was supposedly doing wrong?

You know, before your patient came down to my country, I was going through Ream's latest report, looking for something that your patient could throw back in that awful punk's face but, unfortunately, I think that your colleague forgot how to fill out the reports that I send out hourly because I saw nothing in them but incoherent rambles about how angry I'll be if he can't turn his patient down to me.

I'm getting hungry just thinking about that worthless employee of mine.

But, I digress. After your patient started walking out with those more detestably flavorful characters, you were able to use my suggestion that he just stand back and wait, although not for too long, to see if which side—mine or the Enemy—would win instead of being a loathsome brat like Quisling's old patient and actually trying to implement certain conditions in which the Enemy could, unfortunately, thrive in. After that, he got delightfully lazy and sat down to mock the vermin who continued on with their nonsense about the Enemy's eventual return.

Oh, what a delightful downward progression that is. Now, your patient is like savory chaff and he has blown all the way down to my dinner table.

Oh my me, I bet that you're too stupid to know about the catastrophe that recently almost befell me concerning your patient. Luckily for you, and more importantly me, my great wrath was appeased by your studious response to my Current Events Department's memo. I think that this department has been very critical to your productivity because your patient has always been swayed by what is beneficial to himself at any given moment; and, of course, if something stops being beneficial to him, he moves on very quickly instead of sticking around and developing certain terrible virtues.

I'm telling you, it was very satisfying to watch as you got my note about bringing things to a head quickly and then act on it as if your assignment depended on it. I mean, doesn't your very existence depended on yourself responding correctly to my always timely warnings? Of course, it does. After all, I'm a very hungry Devil and my time waits for no little worthless employee. By me, I deserve to have a meal and I want your varmint.

At any rate, my suggestion that your patient call up my old friend—who brought me many a great meal during her so-called unlawful reign—was the best one that I've ever had. Don't you think so? Of course, you do. Political issues always sway passionate responses from vermin who care about which direction their country is going in and how that direction benefits themselves. I mean really, who made up the rules for leadership in the Enemy's chosen country anyway? As far as I'm concerned, my old friend did the job far better than anyone before or since and she was certainly great for my always gluttonous diet so, I ask again, what was so bad about her leadership?

I mean really, I just wonder if I'll ever find another friend who could possibly fill up my table the way she did?

But, anyway, back to you. Did you know that your studious response to my recent memo also helped to mitigate another great catastrophe that has happened recently? I mean, I know that you were probably celebrating my stunning victory over the Enemy, but did you happen to notice who the vermin are who came in and sent your patient and his great unsavory companions to my country?

Well, let me just say how furious I am with your idiot colleague Pyrrho. You see, when his patient went off on that ridiculous errand that Pavo's patient sent him on, he just happened to run into the Enemy's dramatic interfering answer to all my years and years of laborious work. I'm telling you, his varmint is becoming just as bad as Ream's patient.

I mean really, He chooses to interfere now? Well, isn't that just like Him.

Of course, I could be irate about His whim to intervene now, but I'm actually going to just celebrate my smashing little victory. After all, isn't it just like the Enemy to ignore the request of a loathsome downtrodden varmint like your patient but then turn around and grant the same request when a really important punk like Pavo's patient asks for the exact same thing?

I'm telling you, He is the biggest hypocrite that I know.

Oh, my me, His interference is the worst thing to happen to my side in many generations. Can you fathom why He broke His long-standing promise to never return Human vermin from another world who have been in this world before? Can you fathom why the vermin who He brought back are those four hideous varmints who used to rule here?

And, most terribly of all, can you fathom why He Himself showed up to lead them? I mean, didn't those terrible jerks prove that they could get along without Him when they ruled His chosen country for so long many centuries ago? Why does He feel the need to show up?

I'm telling you, I bet that He came back because He is tired of hearing the vermin in His camp whine about their great difficulties. I mean, it couldn't be because He cares for them. I mean, I certainly don't care for them.

You know, the Enemy is the worst liar of all. Didn't He say that things never happen same way twice? Yet, here He is, leading His ranks into battle against me again.

I'm telling you, I'm delighted that your patient is about to be prepared for my dinner instead of meeting the Enemy and His loathsome agents from another world who used to rule His chosen country. If he'd met them then he might have been persuaded to really join His camp and thus lost to my side forever.

Of course, luckily for you, and more importantly me, I'm going to be laughing for eons to come because your patient ended up coming to my country on the sword blade of some varmint who, no doubt, intended to save him from me.

Isn't that hilarious?

Oh, what a glorious meal I'm about to feast on. I'm telling you, your patient will be especially tasty for me to gnaw on after so many of your colleagues have slipped up and failed me recently. In fact, I would invite you down here to feast on his soul with me but, as a studious little demon like you should know, I always feast alone.

I guess that means that you're out of luck, just like so many of your worthless colleagues who came before you. I mean really, why would a great Devil like me share anything with a snotty little upstart Overling like yourself?

Of course, a great Devil like me can never really take any time off, even for dinner. After all, the Enemy, unfortunately, doesn't take a moment off and I have to stay alert so that I can get off warning letters to all my idiot employees in the field.

In fact, just now, I must sign off and write another letter to your splendid colleague Fratri because that lousy older Male from another world who used to rule here is already making plans to fight a duel to the death with his despicably great varmint.

I'm not sure which little varmint I would like to win this fight. You see, if that horrible older Male varmint from another world who used to rule here kills Fratri's patient, then I'll get to have a double helping at dinner tonight. However, if Fratri's patient kills that renowned older Male from another world who used to rule here, then it's very likely that all the vermin in the Enemy's camp would give up on Him and I'd have many meals for generations to come.

Oh, decisions, decisions, and hardly any time to think. I'm telling you, no one could do this job as well as I'm doing it. I mean really, why aren't I sitting on the Enemy's throne yet? Undoubtedly, it isn't my fault.

The Loathsome, Frightening, Power-Hungry,

Tash

(all honor and glory to me)

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes<strong>: Did you catch the lines that point to the events of The Silver Chair and The Last Battle?

I used the song "Sometimes He Calms the Storm" by Scott Krippayne to fashion some of the lines. Can you pick them out?

In both the book and the movie, Nikabrik is described as one who "would have been a good dwarf in peaceful times" or as one who "lost hope" so I think that, at one point or another, he was interested in Aslan and His promises. Perhaps that's why he moved in with Trufflehunter; he was attracted to the badger's compassion and hopeful spirit. But then life under the Telmarines happened and that life didn't square with all the things that his roommate kept on about so, after a while, he started thinking that belief in Aslan wasn't any better than belief in fairytales.

After coming to that conclusion, he went shopping around for something that matched the reality of his today instead of a theology that looks forward to the everlasting future. That search led him to the wrong crowd and he followed a bad philosophy to his death. The sad part is, Nikabrik was moments away from finding the salvation that he craved when he died.

Carios is a taxonomic genus name in the subfamily Ornithodorinae, which is ticks. I must credit **Jesus' girl 4ever **for the name since Nikabrik wasn't originally going to get a letter. The story behind the find is pretty interesting so PM me if you'd like to know it.

When I started thinking about ticks, I thought about how the most basic form of protection is to cover your body (long sleeves and pants and hat) and how that's similar to the Armor of God protecting us from Satan's schemes.

Another way we protect ourselves from ticks is to check our bodies. That's similar to examining our lives so we can find those "ticks" that need removing. Then, to take this idea a step farther, we can talk about how it's important to have someone to hold us accountable in our struggle to remove the "ticks". I think that we've all had times when we're not aware of something that we've done that hurt someone, but that same hurt is plainly seen by another person. That's comparable to having someone else helping us search ticks and finding one that was hidden in a place that we couldn't see.

**Bible verses**: Matt. 25:14-30; 2 Tim. 4:7; Lam. 3:22-23; Matt. 7:21, 13:5-6, 20-21; Mark 4::5-6, 16-17; Eph. 3:16-19; Matt. 7:13-14, 13:31-33; 1 Kings 19:11-13; Psalm 46:10-11; Matt. 11:28-30; Eph. 6:10-18; Col. 3:12-14; Deut. 8:3-4; Matt. 4:4, 6:11, 9:12-13; Mark 2:17; Luke 5:31; John 4:14, 7:37-38; 2 Cor. 12:9; Ecc. 4:9-12; Matt. 7:3-5; 2 Chron. 7:14; Psalm 1:1-6; Eph. 4:14; James 1:6-8; Rom. 5:3-5; Phil. 2:1-11; Matt. 23:1-12; Luke 14:7-11, 18:1-8; Ex. 3:7-9; John 8:44; Heb. 13:8; Matt. 11:3-5; Luke 7:20-22; 2 Tim. 4:8; Psalm 121:3-4


	21. Miraz

My dear Fratri,

Well done, my little protégé, well done. Unlike so many of your worthless colleagues, you've managed to bring a very delectable meal down to my dinner table and now I get to gorge on him. I'm very glad that you successfully completed your assignment because your patient has been marinating in the great vices of superstition, hate, greed, envy and, most importantly, unbelief in the Enemy for a very long time so I would've exploded with rage if you hadn't been able to cross the finish line with his wretched rotten soul in tow.

Fortunately for you and, more importantly, me, the Enemy's recent interference in his life was rather benign and it came far too late in the game so your patient didn't recognize Him work.

I wonder if the Enemy thought that, if your patient was forced to acknowledge the reality of those two horrid Males from another world who used to rule His chosen country and have recently returned with their two Female relations, then he might have considered the possibility that the Enemy Himself exists too?

If so, your varmint's soul will taste much tastier because I've obviously pulled one of the greatest coups ever against his power.

I'm telling you, if I hadn't forwarded that Current Event Department memo about the Enemy being on the move and His demolition of that great school that taught young varmints ideas that I like as quickly as I did, your patient might have actually lingered alive long enough to met Him and then my next meal wouldn't be in the oven as I write.

Naturally, that would have made me explode with rage.

But, of course, I don't want to dwell on that awful idea, especially since it didn't happen. I would much rather dwell on my hitherto great success at controlling the Enemy's chosen country for over a millennium.

Say, since you've just finished off some decent workmanship and your succulent patient is still screaming and writhing in my hottest oven, why don't I give you a little review of my success? Wouldn't you like to know how I turned the event that the Enemy and the vermin in His camp claim as His so-called greatest success into my own smashing victory?

I'm telling you, I still remember those great productive early days. The Enemy had suddenly and arbitrarily kicked those four hideous Human varmints from another world who used to rule His chosen country and have recently returned out and I took control by using your patient's gullible ancestors.

Naturally, I'm only taking all the credit because I had successfully coaxed His ranks into growing quite lazy during the time of great prosperity and supposed peace that was initiated by those four meddlesome Human varmints from another world who used ruled His chosen country and have recently returned. I'm telling you, those awful Humans never forgot to tell everyone who crossed their path about the Enemy's old-fashioned lines and they constantly lied about His actions that they supposedly witnessed a long time ago so I very energized when they left.

I had a terrible time when they were here because, unfortunately, many varmints believed them and joined the Enemy's ranks.

Well, anyway, once those four maniacs were out of the picture, I worked quickly to reestablish myself in the Enemy's chosen country. Naturally, my first efforts were concentrated against the youngest varmints because, regardless of what the Enemy says about those brats being closest in temperament to His own country, they usually prove to be quite susceptible to my great cunning lies.

By using some of your most skilled ancient colleagues, I encouraged the young vermin to concentrate on their own busy schedules and their own particular desires and just enjoy all the things that the older generation provided for them without focusing too much time on things like learning the Enemy's out-dated lines and putting their so-called wisdom to practical use, or taking so-called pleasure in His provision and talking to Him incessantly, or being wary around vermin who express negative viewpoints about the Enemy, or just trying to become more like Him.

Of course, I could have started off by suggesting that they do something grandiose and shocking like killing some other varmint, flippant consent to their breeding urges, or breaking any of the other unrealistically stringent laws that the Enemy has saddled them with. However, starting off with really great suggestions like that can more be more complicated in a country that claims to be in the Enemy's service. When working amongst His ranks, it's more productive to ease them into awesome depravity slowly, with as little molestation to their sensibilities as possible.

After all, it has never been my intention to harm anyone.

Now, because I'm confident that you're a smart capable little demon, I bet that you've already realized that it wasn't very long before the vermin in the Enemy's chosen country were more focused on themselves than the Enemy. Oh sure, from time to time, there were a few annoying varmints who badgered their compatriots about their lazy selfish lifestyles but, thanks to my incredible efforts, they were simple decried as old prudes and babblers.

Now, here's where the fun starts. I bet that you're thinking that your patient's most lauded ancestor won a great military battle over the Enemy's distracted ranks and forced them to submit to his superior will.

But, guess what, you buffoon? You're utterly wrong. Obviously, I'm clearly craftier than you.

You see, I know all about how the Enemy set up His chosen country to be run by His own laws and how that dreadful little nation would fall apart if His established rules aren't followed so, naturally, I suggested many ideas so that your patient's succulent ancestor could utilize the correct propaganda and effectively bring the Enemy's chosen country under my control.

Now, by correct propaganda, I mean that I suggested that he emphasize the fact that he is, as per the Enemy's requirement for leadership of His chosen country, a Human. At the same time, I suggested that he not mention anything that would conflict with the Enemy's lording will. You know what I mean, don't you? I didn't want him to talk about the fact that he didn't acknowledge the Enemy or the Enemy's covenant with His chosen country.

My reason for not encouraging a military battle was because fighting and violence have been very taboo in this great productive era and, besides, it wasn't even necessary. Because of the great ground work of moral depravity that I'd laid down in His chosen country, there was barely a whisper of protest when your delectable patient's awesome ancestor walked in and, quite reasonably, declared that he was the Enemy's next chosen leader for His chosen country.

Isn't that hilarious? I mean really, if the vermin in the Enemy's chosen country hadn't been filing their days with lazy debauchery, then they might have caught on to the inconsistencies between that varmint's speeches and his delightfully sordid lifestyle.

It's just unfortunate that the terrible ruler in the southern country that the Enemy loves picked up on those inconsistencies because I'm sure that I could have won the battle for that tiny backwards nation if your ancient colleague had done his job. I have long suspected that, right under his worthless nose, his varmint carried on a clandestine relationship with Enemy and, unfortunately, encouraged the other vermin in the southern country that the Enemy loves to have a relationship with Him as well.

I'm telling you, I'm positively livid that such misplaced faithfulness still resides in the varmint who rules the southern country that the He loves because, given the fact that your patient is simmering in my hottest oven, Pavo's patient has a shot at taking over the leadership responsibilities for the Enemy's chosen country.

Oh my me, if Pavo doesn't get his assignment under control, his little brat might strike up a close relationship with the ruler of the southern country that the Enemy loves and learn all sorts of dangerous ideas from him.

You can be sure that I'll write to your colleague and tell him to not neglect that disturbing possibility because that very disastrous thing happened a long time ago, when those four terrible Human varmints from another world ruled here.

But I digress, so let me continue with my enthralling story. Once I had a more malleable Human in the leadership position and the Enemy's ranks had withered into lazy selfish morons, I knew that I had it made. I was just certain that I could get away with anything that I wanted to do. Of course, being the brilliant Devil that I am, I understood that subtly was still the best way to achieve my goal of one day sitting on the His throne.

Accordingly, my first suggestion was that your patient's great-tasting ancestor pretend to be a member of the Enemy's camp by paying lip-service to Him and attending to all the various rituals, festivals, and holidays that His ranks use to honor Him.

Naturally, I had a suggestion ready for whenever some snot-nosed little punk got it into their head to question him about the inconsistencies that are bound to pop up when a varmint falsely claims to be a member of the Enemy's camp. I suggested that he say that he wasn't always completely sure about the Enemy's stories but that his opinion was evolving every day. I also suggested that he sharply remind any snot-nosed little punk who dares to question him that the Enemy Himself tells His ranks to be patient with new believers.

Well, after your patient's great ancestor lived a double life for a while, I progressed to the suggestion that he promote the idea that it would be acceptable for himself, as the leader of the Enemy's chosen country, and any other really enlightened varmints who wanted to follow him, to not bother about paying homage to the Enemy in everything they did.

Of course, the worthless uneducated masses would still be allowed to pay Him homage, but why should the really smart vermin, who know that He is nothing but a fraud, have to put up with Him in their daily lives? I mean, haven't the well-educated vermin evolved to the point of not needing Him to lead them down the dark path that is their worthless lives?

This particular phase of my plan was greatly facilitated by the false sense of security that the vermin in the Enemy's camp had been lulled into by having a Human, as per the Enemy's own requirement for leadership in His chosen country, in charge of them.

I still get a huge kick about how I used their great Fear about having another leader like my old friend against them.

Of course, you must understand, even though my plan to take over the Enemy's throne was progressing forward each and every day, I still couldn't take a break. After all, He never takes breaks. In fact, I bet that you'd like me to tell you how He tried to thwart my great leap forward? It was really funny because nothing that He tried was ever successful.

For instance, unfortunately, my suggestion that your patient's renowned and tasty ancestor be allowed to stop honoring the Enemy caused quite a bit of discontent amongst His unreasonable and very prudish ranks.

I never understood why they got so up in arms about the changes that I suggested. After all, there are so many different opinions about the Enemy's existence-like about His character and personality, and what exactly pleases Him, and how to get into His own awful Country-that I don't see what the big deal is if some varmint adds the opinion that He is simply a myth conjured up by the superstitious rabble to make themselves feel better about their own worthlessness. Why should His ranks' opinion be called truth based on fact and everyone else's opinion be nothing but a bunch of misunderstandings and lies?

I mean, doesn't each varmint get to judge for themselves what is supposedly good and right and just and true? Who judges them if not themselves? I've certainly never been ask to judge.

Of course, that has never stopped me from passing judgment.

Well, anyways, to quell the unfortunate rebellion that brewed against my authority, I suggested that your patient's esteemed ancestor begin removing the Enemy's ranks, and by extension, Himself, from public life. Naturally, subtlety was still my game so I didn't say that His ranks couldn't go on living in His chosen country.

Obviously, His chosen country is a free nation and I'm not at all interested in taking away His vermin's' life, liberty, or happiness.

But why should the foreigners—your patient's tasty ancestor and the other Human varmints who were like him—have to be subjected to prudish viewpoints and wild superstitions that His ranks espouse? I think that my suggestion created a much better way of life for everyone in the Enemy's chosen country, whether they were on His side or witlessly helping me, because I can roam around with much greater freedom when there is no one around to point out my lurking presence.

After all, if the Enemy and His ranks are banished to the forests and beaches and no one else goes there, how will any foolish varmint pick up on the scratches that my talons make all over their government and civil society?

Don't you think that my suggestion is a fair arrangement? The Enemy can have his sphere of influence and I can have mine. Naturally, they must be separate, but they are entirely equal.

Well, do you know what happened after I coerced all of His ranks into hiding? It's one of the most hilarious parts of my story and I'm sure that you can't wait to hear it, so here it is. No sooner had I convinced your patient's moronic ancestor to expel the vermin in the Enemy's camp from public view, then many of His ranks actually wanted to come back into society, even if it meant giving Him up. Isn't that great? I still get giddy when I think about it.

Oh, to be sure, there were some stupid ones who tried to lead double lives, worshiping Him in the privacy of their own homes and then disowning Him by their actions in public, but I stayed on top of that and there was many a great beating, defiling, enslaving, and killings done during my great purges so that His despicable ranks learned that they could not serve two masters.

I'm telling you, I don't think that I've ever seen so many varmints in the Enemy's camp decide to cut corners when they wanted to be seen honoring Him or interpreting His covenant to suit their own purposes as I did after I suggested that His ranks be banned from public life.

I'm telling you, it is His rank's willingness compromise on His covenant with them that has made this era so productive for my side. Sometimes it's just amazing to work against such a rigid Enemy; He just refuses to give the vermin any allowances for situations that are clearly beyond their control, even though He claims to remember what He made them out of.

But, oh my me, that's why the last few days have been so infuriating and many fireballs have exploded from my mouth. The Enemy's reappearance could, if my moronic employees don't start doing some spectacular work, reestablish the unfortunate authority that His covenant as historically had within His ranks.

Mark my words, I've spent far too much of my own precious time to have my incredible dystopia torn asunder.

Of course, I'm not saying that this inconvenient situation has anything to do with your own tremendous performance. You've done everything that I ever asked you to do and more. Naturally, all the fault lies with your worthless imbecilic colleagues. Clearly, it's Ream, Quisling, Pavo, and Pyrrho who botched their assignment, lost control of their patients, and let you and, more importantly, me down.

I'm telling you, if I ever forgave anyone, it wouldn't be them.

But be assured, as I've just stated, I promise to never lay a talon on your worthless hide because of their clumsiness.

Of course, as it happens, my position at the bottom of my Lowerarchy dictates that I must always hold something against you and, naturally, it didn't take me long to find many excuses. After all, I pathologically look for excuses to destroy all my employees.

Let me start by asking you a few questions.

Didn't I tell you to suggest that your patient dispose of Quisling's old varmint before he got to close to Pavo's inquisitive and fanciful little brat? What stopped you from carrying out this important order? You followed directions well enough when I wanted that old Female gone. Why did you have a problem the second time that I wanted a varmint to disappear? Did you stupidly suppose that some varmint might actually be offended by that old half-breed's permanent disappearance and start an investigation into your gullible patient's great crimes?

And didn't I suggest that your patient kill Pavo's patient for insubordination when he kept telling those ridiculous old wives-tales about the Enemy and those four awful Human varmints from another world who used to rule her and have recently returned? I mean, so what if your patient had no little brat of his own for my side to groom until just recently? Didn't I send you daily reminders that he was a lusty breeder of Females? Wasn't it almost a foregone conclusion that he would probably have a little brat for my side to groom before he came down to my country? Why did you panic?

Did you think that I would be angry? Well, congratulations, you worthless moron. Now, I'm livid.

And finally, didn't I suggest that your patient dispose of Pyrrho's patient immediately and publicly instead of having him hauled off through the forest and down to the coast, where the Enemy has always been known to infiltrate from? I mean, who cares if that varmint's execution is shocking and, perhaps, offensive to the general public. Sometimes the rabble just doesn't understand that I'm always working for their own good.

Oh my me, now, thanks to everything that you didn't do, the Enemy has judged the thoughts and attitudes of everyone in His chosen country and, unfortunately, what He has to say is sharper than the double-edged sword that sent your patient down to my dinner table.

Well, I'm done with you, you pathetic fool. Your patient has cooked long enough and now I'm going to have a quick snack before I watch the battle that is unfolding as I write. With any luck, I'll have many more souls to eat before very long.

The Loathsome, Frightening, Power-Hungry,

Tash

(all honor and glory to me)

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong> I thought that since Miraz is our only look at a Telmarine's regime, I would take this opportunity to explore how Narnia could have possibly gone from the peace, prosperity, and, undoubtedly, close relationship with Aslan during the Pevensie's Golden Age to the hate, fear, suspicion, and abandonment of the Lion's covenant and the consequences thereof during Miraz's reign.

Fratri got his name from Fratricide, which is killing one's own brother. Obviously, this is exactly what Miraz did to obtain Narnia's throne so Fratri represents the demise of morality in Narnia.

I think that a head of state is the most visible representation of a nation's heart. If the person in power espouses support, either overtly or tacitly, for policies that discriminate or cause fear and hated, then the general population will follow their lead. On the other hand, if a leader espouses policies that reflect love, perseverance, and faith the citizens will follow that too.

The famous German pastor and theologian, Dietrich Bonhoeffer (1906-1945) once said that the church's duty is to function as a moral accountability partner for the government. It's the church's (the people's) duty to speak out against government policies that go against the faith. Of course, if a government suppresses the church, then it's a very human thing for the people to keep their heads down and mouth shut and hope to just survive. On the other hand, if the government encourages the church to act on the principles that Jesus taught, then the society will be a vibrant healthy one.

I portrayed Caspian the Conqueror's takeover as more akin to the Austrian Anschluss in 1938 than to a military battle in which Narnia is conquered with bloodshed.

Hitler's stated goal for his Third Reich was unite all German-speaking Europeans into one grand state. Interestingly, the idea of one huge German-speaking state had been toyed with in Austria and Germany since the 19th century, but never happened due to rivalries between their royal houses and various treaties with other European nations that were aimed at keeping any one country from becoming outrageously stronger than everyone else. That being said, when the Nazis marched unopposed into Austria, there would have been at least an uneasy historical sympathy with the idea of the Anschluss (union).

Similarly, Narnia, a generation or so removed from the Pevensies' sudden vanishing, could have had an uneasy historical sympathy with a Human coming in and saying that he was Aslan's answer to all their problems. And if some of the "leading" Beasts objected to his rule, I'm sure that Caspian the Conqueror wouldn't have minded a little closed-door saber rattling, just as Hitler bullied the Austrian Chancellor, Kurt von Schuschnigg.

As I toyed with ideas for this chapter, it occurred to me that the Telmarine regimes are similar to the Communists regimes of 20th century that Lewis would have known because of their militantly atheist government policies. As such, I added 2 small references to some Communist persecutions of Christians (and anyone else that they didn't like). Can you find them?

I know this is obscure, but can you pick out a paraphase that I took from one of John Adams' (2nd US president) quotes?

Can you find my mentions of Gwendolyn's school, Kings Ram, Nain, and Lune of Archenland, and Caspian's old Nurse?

**Bible verses**: Matt. 25:14-30; 2 Tim. 4:7; Psalm 107:2; 1 Chr. 16:23-24; Matt. 28:18-20; Acts 1:8, 2:41-47; Matt. 18:3; Eph. 4:14; James 1:6; Deut. 6:10-12, 8:6-18; Josh. 1:8; 2 Tim. 3:16-17; 1 Thess. 5:16-18; 2 Cor. 6:14-7:1; Rom. 8:29, 12:2; Ex. 20:1-17; Matt. 7:12; Jdg. 21:25; Jer. 26:1-9; Acts 2:40; 1 Sam. 8:1-9; Col. 4:5-6, 3:23-24; Psalm 119:105, 121:3-4; John 14:6; Deut. 32:35; Rom. 12:19; Matt. 7:3-5, 6:24; Gen. 4:1-7; Rom. 5:6; Psalm 103:14; 2 Kings 23:1-3; Col. 3:13; Matt. 6:25-34; Phil. 4:6-7; Rom. 8:28; Heb. 4:12


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